Out Of The Depths : De Profundis
by Bailieboro
Summary: From the depths of despair to acceptance, Merlin learns to cope.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1: DAY ONE **

Merlin opened his eyes to the sound of the birds, he felt well-rested.

Slowly the realization of his situation surfaced, paralyzing him. He glanced at the figure beside him, his friend, lifeless. He turned further towards him as tears again streamed down his cheeks. He'd cried so much that he was surprised that his body could produce any more tears.

Arthur looked so peaceful after the months of fevers and pain. Was his release worth the agony that Merlin was experiencing? He leaned forward, took Arthur's hand and kissed it.

He remembered kneeling on the bed, cradling Arthur in his arms, waiting for his next breath, counting the time between his gasps. As the time between them lengthened, he'd understood what Gaius had meant when he'd asked, "How will I know when the time has come?"

...and the physician had put his hands on his shoulders, looked into his eyes and kindly said, "You'll know, Merlin."

Before the gasps became so weak that he doubted he would ever hear another, he recalled leaning forward, hoping that his friend could hear him as he whispered, "It's time, Arthur, you can let go..."

He waited, no rasping breath; he felt his chest, no heartbeat...and so Merlin sat there holding Arthur as tears fell onto the blonde hair.

Finally chilled, he slid Arthur into the middle of the bed. He brought a sheet up to his waist and then pulled the blankets up to his shoulders. Exhausted, he fell asleep beside him.

With Arthur dead, he had spiraled into the deepest depression that he had ever imagined. He couldn't think; he even questioned that he was alive. The world had moved on and left him stranded in the hellhole of his mind!

There was nothing there; everything was slowed down to inactivity. He felt burned out, useless. He'd lost his ability to plan; his thoughts were zooming in and out, making no sense. He couldn't move. He couldn't get away from the situation or make it go away. Even his magic had failed him when he had most need of it! It was so dark; he could find no light to show him the way.

To cope, Merlin had shut himself down for three days, taking the castle into a state of timelessness. Nothing mattered, he had even considering letting himself go with Arthur. Maybe it would have been easier than facing this... but he tried to remain strong, it might at the time have been an easy way out but if he had been alive, Arthur wouldn't have condoned it.

He was scared of the impending separation of the two of them. How could he leave him to the ministrations of others? He'd nursed him day and night, as had been his responsibility as manservant and his privilege as friend.

But, he was clearly more conscious today of his surroundings; to a voice in his head, telling him it was time to remove the magic; urging him to open not only his mind but also the chamber door. Gaius would soon be coming to see how they were faring. His eyes took on hues of gold but when he blinked, they were again blue.

Gaius had finally decided to find what had happened with Arthur. He trusted Merlin implicitly, knowing that he would have come for his help if warranted. He'd expected to hear from him three days ago as he had not expected Arthur to last the night.

Merlin swung off the bed and bent down to put on his boots. He turned to face the door as the grey haired figure walked in. Gaius walked half way into the room, glanced at the figure in the bed and stopped. His eyes sought Merlin's and he opened his arms.

Merlin knew he needed to feel arms around him and he half ran whimpering into Gaius's. He was freezing cold and Gaius reached over and removed the fur-lined blanket which Merlin had placed on Arthur.

Merlin moaned, "No, Gaius, please!"

"Merlin, he doesn't need it anymore, you do!"

Merlin shuddered as Gaius wrapped it around his shoulders and held him tightly. Now was not the time to argue, Gaius needed to get him back to his quarters. He led him silently to the door. As they crossed the threshold, Gaius's heart was torn by Merlin's strangled sobs.

In his capacity as Court Physician, he nodded at the sole guard on duty who turned to carry the sad but not unexpected news to Uther.

Gaius slowly guided Merlin down the steps...

Gaius opened the door to their quarters which were warm.

When he hadn't seen hide or hair of Merlin in three days, he guessed that Arthur's condition had worsened and Merlin was keeping a deathwatch. Before leaving to check on them, he'd lit the fire and left some broth in a pot on the hearth.

He settled Merlin in his usual place at the table and checked his pulse. He smiled down at him but received only a vacant stare so went to check on the broth. Getting Merlin to swallow any was a battle of wills but Gaius won and followed the broth with a strong sleeping draught.

As the shivers subsided, Gaius helped Merlin up the little flight of stairs into his room and sat him on the bed. He left him wrapped in Arthur's blanket and rolled him onto his side. He pulled off Merlin's boots, put on some warm socks, covering him with another blanket, before tucking him in.

Gaius whispered as he stroked the dark hair, "Now is not the time to worry, go to sleep, Merlin." He waited until Merlin's breath had slowed and was even ... until he slept.

Gaius sighed as he left, leaving the door open to keep an eye on his patient. He slowly walked down into his own room. He felt tired and oh, so old. He put his head in his hands and sobbed not only for the loss of Arthur but for Merlin who would be facing life alone, his future in shambles...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: THE BURIAL**

Three days later, a barque filled with fir boughs was on the shore; men loosely grouped on the beach, awaiting their Crown Prince.

Slightly further to the left, two men, one grey-haired and one dark stood close but distinctly separate. Gaius had steered Merlin across the beach to the far side away from the other mourners.

His patient's health was improving daily but his mind was still fragile and needed to be protected. He often retreated into himself and was unaware of the goings on around him and he came out of it suddenly, looking frantically for Arthur until his eyes teared up as he remembered.

Gaius was certain Merlin would conquer all these feelings and become even stronger but at this moment he did not intend to allow Merlin to cause mayhem, unintentional as it might be.

So he stood on the beach by him, even though as Court Physician and old friend of Uther, he could have, by right, stood near the King in a supportive role.

From the forest, came the beat of a muffled drum and approaching men. Lancelot was the first to come out of the trees onto the beach and he was acutely conscious of the charged but controlled atmosphere as wave after wave of uncontrolled sorrow emanating from Merlin. He glanced in Merlin's direction but made no eye contact as Merlin stood, impassively gazing into the lake in a world of his own.

Merlin suddenly became conscious of Lancelot and turned to see him leading six knights with the Prince's bier upon their shoulders. Arthur was in full armour minus his helmet and as in a proclamation of denial, the knights' red cloaks billowed, whipped in a sudden gust.

Beside him, Merlin shuddered violently, seeing Arthur's body which he had last seen in bed and Gaius, worrying, glanced at him. The boy had emotionally exhausted himself insisting on cleaning the armour and clothes for the burial but that was the extent of his involvement as it was the knights who had dressed the body. The first time in many years that Merlin had not done it for the Prince.

The knights reached the barque and laid the bier into it.

Sir Leon, carrying Arthur's helmet and his red cloak, reached the water's edge. He handed both to Lancelot who climbed into the barque, placing the helmet in the bow and wrapping Arthur's red cloak over his inert form.

All that was now visible to Merlin was Arthur's head, his golden crown and blonde hair which was ruffled by an errant breeze and Merlin could see Arthur shaking his head, laughing and saying, "0h, come on, Mer-lin, out with it, what have you done this time?"

A guard lit a torch and handed it to Uther, Gaius felt Merlin sway against him but remain upright. Uther, his eyes tearfilled, handed the flaming torch to Lancelot who lit two small fires in the barque then, holding the flaming torch high, said, "For the love of Camelot!"

The red-cloaked knights echoed his words with raised swords, as almost with a caress, he gently placed the lit torch on Arthur's chest.

Gaius turned as Merlin with a strangled cry fell to his knees. He gently placed his hand on the young man's head . . . he wanted to keep him grounded until they were alone. He didn't want to lose both of them.

Lancelot left the barque to join the knights who walked it into deeper water. It drifted slowly away from the beach, black smoke rising gently as Arthur's body set off on its final journey. The wind picked up and again the knights' cloaks unfurled.

After minutes which seemed like hours, the King turned and stumbled up the beach supported by Lancelot and Sir Leon. Gaius as a physician shifted his weight to follow but that shocking idea was hardly formed when he realized that never could he leave Merlin alone today, even if ordered under penalty of death.

The knights and mourners left the beach, to the two solitary figures as the smoking barque slowly floated further out onto the lake.

Once the beach was deserted, Gaius felt safe in removing his hand from Merlin's head. He did so and walked back fifteen paces leaving Merlin on his knees.

When Merlin realised that he was alone except for Gaius, he felt safe; he stood, opened his eyes which had turned golden and held out his right hand towards the smoke engulfed object.

He inhaled, his voice broke, he lost concentration, he closed his eyes. He tried again but only one word, could he manage; so, he just cried in anguish, "Arthur!"

The barque burst into a fireball surrounded by a rising pall of black smoke. The lake surface opened to receive Arthur's body, then closed upon itself.

Clouds formed overhead, thunder rumbled, lightening flashed and a vortex formed in the shape of a waterspout, stretching upwards to the cumulus clouds and dancing over the lake towards Merlin.

Gaius stiffened, flaunting with the powers of nature was dangerous, "What in heavens, was Merlin thinking?"

The waterspout faded and all that remained was a rippled effect which spread across the lake until it reached the beach at Merlin's feet, as little wavelets which kissed his boots, filling the indentations previously made by his knees.

Merlin's eyes were again blue as he lifted them to the clouds. He smiled sadly, Arthur felt so close, so he whispered, "To the ends of the earth and back again!"

Reality hit him like the broad side of a sword. He gasped for air, his heart began racing. He saw all the plans which they had hoped to fulfill dashed upon the beach. There was such a large hole in his being that he literally tingled with magic as he focused his mind on Camelot. . .

A vicious storm hit the castle. Rain pelted down, sending the returning mourners scurrying. Lightening such as had never been seen before lit up the sky. Thunder deafened man and beast alike. The wind shrieked like a banshee. The wing with the royal chambers seemed to be the target. Hail hit the windows, damaging many of them. Stones fell from the battlements, crashing into the courtyard. The pennants on the towers were ripped and tiles showered down.

Merlin felt more in control, he was breathing normally and the clouds over the lake dissipated. Reaching his arms above his head, he stretched; turning he looked back and the corner of his mouth lifted and he gave Gaius a little smile.

Gaius nodded his head and waited patiently. . .

* * *

><p>As they arrived closer to the castle, their pace slowed as Merlin's feet began to drag. When they saw the destruction, Gaius put his arm around Merlin's shoulders. As exhausted as he felt, he would never regret knowing this young man.<p>

Maybe one day, they could laugh about it but not today


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3: RECUPERATION **

Following the occurrences on the beach, Merlin slept for two days with Gaius checking him periodically. Arthur's funeral has seriously set his convalescence back.

The first day that Gaius felt that he was well enough to leave his bed; Merlin refused to open his eyes and pulled Arthur's blanket around him, kicking out as Gaius tried to get near him. Gaius patiently asked him to get out of bed and he replied, "I don't need to, I don't want to and I won't because I can't!" Gaius recognized this as a variation of the theme, I can't feel, move, think or care, what's the use of getting out of bed.

But Gaius had dealt with more than one recalcitrant patient and Merlin soon found himself lying on the bed without the blanket which Gaius had taken down into the lower chamber and placed on a chair. Gaius sat down at the table and had breakfast, hearing a sound behind him, he waited and a disheveled Merlin sat down before him. Gaius became solicitous once more and made sure that Merlin had a small serving of porridge, some tea and took the tonics and herbal medicines he'd specially concocted for him.

Gaius was shocked at Merlin's appearance, he was almost street-worn. His eyes lacked any depth or brightness, his skin was pallid, with grey overtones. His face had a cadaverous likeness, hollowed cheeks and dead eyes. He had the look of someone who had experienced major physical suffering but Gaius knew it was all mental. He was in a world of his own or was it more correctly, a world of _their_ own.

Gaius was not Merlin's favourite person at this point by any means. Merlin still felt desperate, he felt hopeless, he had no friends, he had no interests so why did Gaius get him out of bed. He was happier if it could be called that, living alone in the hurt and darkness of his own mind. Everything was hopeless. He couldn't do anything right and suddenly he remembered Arthur who had depended on him, trusted him and he had failed him. Gaius realised that Merlin's mind was descending, crumbling again and he looked at his young assistant and felt his pain.

Gaius decided that a regular schedule was needed. He made him get out of bed daily, he insisted that he change his clothes regularly, keeping clean laundry available for him. He tried to get good wholesome food inside him and he never pestered him with questions of how he felt. Gaius was wise, he bided his time, he knew when Merlin was ready, he would want nothing more than to talk about how his friend had died and reminisce. Now was not the time.

* * *

><p>The physician was impressed with the good wishes which he received from the townspeople and castle staff , wishing Merlin a speedy recovery. Gaius after he finished his rounds, would always stop by the kitchens and everyday, there was a linen covered basket full of tidbits to tempt Merlin's appetitie. With tears in her eyes, one of the cooks confided that Merlin always came to her seeking foods which he felt might tempt Prince Arthur and she only wanted to reciprocate as she felt the prince would have done, if he had been here. Gaius was impressed with her simplicity and kind heartedness as inevitably, there were two portions included everyday.<p>

People offered to drop by and visit but Gaius knew that he was doing a disservice to Merlin allowing them to see him in his current condition. There were two exceptions however, Gwen and Lancelot. Lancelot was visibly shaken the first time he saw this post-Arthur Merlin but he was capable and sat with him, should Gaius be called away on an emergency. Gaius trusted him.

* * *

><p>One afternoon, Gaius was working at the table, purifying water for mixing his herbs and he knew that Merlin was messing with some dried flowers and pebbles.. He was conscious of a voice repeating his name. He said, "Mmmm?" then he mind focused it was Merlin's voice.<p>

"... Gaius?"

Gaius's head snapped up and he was looking into Merlin's eyes. Bright eyes! This was the first time in three weeks that Merlin had initiated a conversation. So, he smiled and said, "Merlin, it's you!"

"Gaius, what happened to me? I mean, I know Arthur died but what happened... to me?"

Gaius simply said, "You were exhausted, both physically and mentally."

"Because I let Arthur die, you can say it. I remember..."

Gaius immediately grabbed Merlin's hand, getting his full attention. "You did not, are you listening, you did not_ let_ Arthur die. You were not to blame. Arthur had health problems. You were there and you helped him so much, you prepared him for his death. You did a great job." Gaius looked at him, realising once again the tormented state of the young man's mind.

"But why am I now sick? Do I have Arthur's illness?"

"No, you do not have his illness. Your mind has had a little problem, it has been overworking and it needed a rest so, it closed itself down. By resting, it will rebuild itself. Some of the herbs such as gorse, sweet chestnut and mustard have helped relieve some of the symptons but, Merlin, as in many other things time will be a factor."

"Am I well again?"

"Getting there..." said Gaius smiling. "But you must continue with the good food, the tonics, and keeping yourself active and involved. You will have more and more days where you're lucid and interested in things but I cannot promise that there will not be setbacks."

"...and my magic?"

"Once you are well, it will come back." He laughed as he looked into Merlin's eyes which were beginning to dull, "You can't take magic out of a Merlin, can you? You will be a warlock until the day you die!"

Suddenly, the effort that this little conversation had taken on Merlin was apparent. His eyes were getting dimmer and he was becoming unfocused. Merlin was beginning to slip away again. He looked tired. He asked Gaius if he could go and rest. Gaius told him that he could lie down for a couple of hours but that he'd expect him up and tidy for supper.

Merlin walked slowly to his stairs, he turned and said sadly, "When I am really well, Gaius, I will clean out that leech tank!" With that, he walked up the stairs, turning to give the suspicion of a grin.

Gaius looked at his hands, they were trembling. "Welcome back, Merlin," he said to himself quietly, "You have a long way to go but you have taken the first step in that direction."

* * *

><p>Merlin was slowly getting better. The twenty-four hour nursing shifts which he had been doing as he had been unwilling to let anyone, save Gaius and Gwen help him look after Arthur, had exhausted him.<p>

His mind was often in playback mode but he was able to overcome the panic he had experienced the first time it had happened. He remembered the afternoon when after freshening him up and trying to make him comfortable, Arthur had seized his wrist, pulling him down and had asked, "Is this a dying thing, Merlin?"

Merlin had settled on his knees and had removed Arthur's hand by slipping it into both of his own and pulling it closer to his own chest, nearer to his heart. Dying inside himself, he had looked into Arthur's eyes and answered a question that he had never expected to hear for many a year, "Yes...Arthur."

Arthur whispered, "Merlin, I'll miss you!" Closing his eyes, he fell asleep under the drugs, Gaius regularly administered to keep the pain in check.

A tear rolled down Merlin's cheek, he felt so fragile. He felt bad thinking of himself but he whispered, "Arthur, please don't leave me here alone!"

* * *

><p>Gaius had his share of memories. He remembered going into Arthur's chambers and saw the two of them fast asleep. Arthur was cuddled into Merlin who had an arm protectively around his shoulder. Not wanting to disturb them, Gaius quietly picked up the medicine bottles which Merlin would normally have returned to him by this time of day.<p>

He turned to leave and saw that Merlin's eyes were open, he lifted his hand beckoning him over. Putting his finger to his lips, he whispered, "Arthur had a bad night, restless, crying and wanting to talk. It was after dawn, before he got to sleep."

Gaius told him, not to disturb him but let him sleep and he'd be back with some food. He left, telling the guard on the door that there were to be no visitors for Arthur, unless cleared by him.

* * *

><p>There was a daily improvement in Merlin's health. He ate well and regularly went outside into the little courtyard off Gaius's chambers. He would sit on a bench wrapped in Arthur's fur-lined blanket and think.<p>

Gwen had just left him and his mind slipped back, he remembered a visit Arthur had had from Lancelot. Merlin trusted him and had taken the time to go to the kitchens to see if there was anything special for Arthur to eat.

When he returned, Arthur was still propped on his pillows talking, he was getting tired, his voice was hoarse and his breathing laboured. He smiled at Merlin and turning to Lancelot, gasped, "You'll see to it then?"

Lancelot stood, and with a strangled voice said, "Sire, you can count on me." He turned to leave, acknowledging Merlin with a nod and whispered, "Just keep looking after him, Merlin, please!"

One night at supper, Gaius mentioned Uther. Merlin flashed back to his last encounter with the King.

Uther had come to see his son. Arthur was no longer speaking, as when his pain was intense, Gaius had him sedated. As the king walked in with Gaius, Merlin stood up, bowed and left the room for the ante chamber. His senses were heightened and he could plainly hear the hushed conversation in the adjoining room.

The King was distraught and in pain. He accused Gaius of not trying hard enough and after a three minute tirade, during which Gaius stood silently, head bowed. Uther walked to the bed and stood looking at Arthur's emaciated body as it gasped for every breath.

He swung around and stormed out of the room, seeing Merlin as he left. He turned to Gaius, pointed at Merlin and in a strangled voice, hissed, " ... and keep _him_ out of my sight! I never want to see him again!"

Merlin was crushed.

Gaius had later tried to explain that it was his grief speaking. Merlin knew that one day he would forgive but not forget the outburst yet most of all, he had missed hearing Arthur's voice standing up for him as he always had done.

* * *

><p>Even under a light sedation, Merlin would have nightmares and Gaius would sit by his bed, watching that whenever he became physical, trying to scratch, pinch, hit or bite himself, it didn't get too violent. He knew Merlin was blaming himself for being alive. He let him work through his nightmares, just sitting there monitoring him.<p>

Some mornings, he remembered the nightmares, others he did not. He would look at the scratches on his body and the bite marks on his arms and hands and lift his head pleadingly to Gaius, no need to ask why, and Gaius would whisper, "In time, Merlin, in time..."

Other nights, he would waken, sobbing and crying. If he didn't settle quickly, Gaius would go into his room and hold him till he relaxed. . He would only ever say to Gaius, "He was here, Gaius, I felt him beside me."

Merlin was now suffering mentally as much as Arthur had physically. The only difference being that Arthur's pain was over and Merlin's would last his lifetime. Sometimes fading, other times hitting him so suddenly that he would have to gasp for breath.

As the months passed, the intensity of the nightmares lessened. No more physical self-abuse, just the dark circles under his eyes and the lack of energy, proofs that he had had a troubled night.

Gaius and he would often talk of Arthur, or rather Merlin would talk and Gaius listen. These conversations were beneficial to him. Although the end result would always be the same, he was beginning to slowly accept his new life without Arthur.

The dragon had been wrong! His destiny was not with Arthur.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4: ONSET OF ILLNESS**

Slowly, Merlin was able to recall things, without having to use magic to prevent falling completely apart. The pain was intense but he needed to keep things straight in his mind.

Before he could start the next episode in his life, he had to go through all the things which he and Arthur had sone together, the happy and unfortunately the sad.

He sat in Gaius's chambers one rainy afternoon, with Gaius working around him. Since Arthur's death he preferred not to be alone. Gaius was his first choice but he would also accept Lancelot or Gwen in a pinch. But for today's memories, he needed to know that Gaius was nearby. He wrapped himself in Arthur's fur blanket and sat near the little window. Carefully, he cast his mind back six months to those fateful days...

* * *

><p>Camelot was sick, everyone knew someone who was sick. Gaius was run off his feet. He couldn't be everywhere so an infirmary had been set up in the armoury. The symptoms were the same, headaches, intense muscle pain, lack of appetite and a slow recovery. The young and the old were the worse afflicted.<p>

Gaius had his hands full when Uther and Morgana were sick. Arthur seemed to have been spared as was Merlin. Slowly, fewer people arrived at the makeshift infirmary and Gaius was relocated to his own chambers.

Three months after the sickness had hit Camelot, Arthur felt rotten. He ached all over, he had no appetite or energy. Gaius took a look at him and advised bedrest, liquids and one of his tonics. Merlin was at his beck and call! Yes, he'd have some chicken broth. No he couldn't take more than a spoonful. Merlin had had enough...

Arthur didn't bounce back as the others had. He looked pallid, breathing still laboured and his lack of interest and energy was obvious. He begged off training and even attending Council Meetings. His father was unsympathetic and told him to get on with it. "I won't have a molly-coddled son," he'd said. Arthur had nodded and slowly left the Council Room, Merlin trailing him.

Merlin was acutely aware of the effort it took Arthur to climb two flights of stairs. He was breathing unevenly and upon entering his chamber, collapsed immediately on his bed, eyes closed, chest rising erratically as he gasped for air.

Merlin watched uncomfortably, he was frightened. He crossed to Arthur throwing a blanket over him and removed his boots. His feet were freezing so he threw another blanket over his legs. He said, "Arthur, I'm going to get Gaius!" and he ran as fast as he could. Something was seriously wrong with Arthur; Gaius had to see him while he was having trouble breathing.

In short time, both Gaius and Merlin were standing by the bed watching Arthur's laboured breathing. Merlin felt sick as he saw intense worry flit over Gaius's face.

The physician approached the bed, rolled down the blanket, undoing Arthur's jacket and pulled up his shirt. He rubbed his hands together to warm them and lightly placed one hand flat on Arthur's chest and the other on his wrist.

Arthur's frightened eyes flashed open but his breathing didn't alter. He just looked at Gaius with something resembling fear tempered with relief. Gaius stayed listening to his heart. Finally, he rearranged Arthur's clothes and whispered to Merlin to bring extra pillows. Between them, they got Arthur undressed and into a nightshirt. Gaius placed the pillows and the two of them hoisted Arthur up so he was raised almost in a seated position. There was no reaction by Arthur to any of the foregoing, but his breathing did seem to be less loud.

Gaius and Merlin spent the night with Arthur. By false dawn, his breathing was fast but unlaboured, he was relaxed and asleep. Hopefully the attack or whatever it was, would not reoccur.

Merlin could no longer keep his eyes open, Gaius told him to go to bed but he wouldn't, just wrapped a blanket around himself and curled up on a chair. Neither slept.

Merlin was an emotional wreck. His friend was seriously ill, Gaius sick with worry and it made him feel overwhelmed. It was a dream, this couldn't be happening!

Unable to leave Arthur, Gaius sent word via Sir Leon to notify Uther that Arthur was seriously unwell. Sir Leon returned to report that the king sent word hoping that Arthur would soon be better. Merlin was shocked, Sir Leon obviously upset and Gaius chose not to relay the insensitive words to the king's only son.

Next morning, Arthur's heart sounds were normal; he was tired but had his colour back and he was able to drink some fluids.

Gaius kept Arthur on a strict routine of rest, good food and finally minimal exercise. Slowly Arthur regained his energy and started riding, light training and mercilessly teasing Merlin again. Merlin was never so happy to receive the retorts and participate in the bantering while still remembering that frightening episode even though Arthur never seemed to realise its extent.

Gaius however, was worried, he was at a loss to explain what had happened. He hoped that whatever it was that had affected Arthur was in the past...but was it?

* * *

><p>Merlin's mind continued the race against time. He needed to find a direction to the future. Double guessing all the events of these last six months; desperately wanted to find himself guilty of some part of Arthur's death, he forced himself to rerun the events leading to it. It was painful and exhaustive but he had to make his way, step by step through his grief to a brightness which he knew lay beyond it.<p>

Arthur seemed to have suffered no real lasting ill effects with his previous health problem, so, Merlin went about his regular duties,

One day, Merlin barged, as usual unannounced, into Arthur's chambers and happily saw Gaius there. Great, he'd have company as he sorted things. He dumped the laundry on a stool and swung around to Gaius, suddenly aware that they were not alone. Arthur was at the table, his head in his hands with Lancelot at his side.

Merlin sidled over to Arthur and could see the sweat on his face. Gaius was talking to Lancelot, saying, "Did you see what happened?"

"He just seemed to go wobbly and grabbed my arm, telling me to get him back to his room," Lancelot said. "He could hardly make the stairs, I half carried him and he insisted on sitting here even though I thought he should have been on the bed." Lancelot glanced apologetically at Arthur and turned to Gaius, "Then, I called for you."

"Will you stop talking about me as if I'm not here!" Arthur murmured. "I'm fine now. Just something I ate...I feel fine." But Merlin noticed that Arthur's words were tempered with a fleeting glance at Gaius, possibly seeking reassurance before becoming his usual demanding self and ordering, "All of you, leave me!"

Of the three of them, only Lancelot moved to obey the order and Gaius nodded at him that he could go, saying, "Thank you, Lancelot, you did the right thing." Arthur didn't acknowledge him at all.

Merlin noticed that there was uneasiness about Gaius. He picked up on it immediately and he felt it like a stone in the pit of his stomach. 'Not again. Oh, please, not again...' he thought.

Gaius then took over saying to Arthur, "It's into bed for you. I want to have a closer look at you."

As Arthur had been looked after by Gaius all his life, he moved to obey him. He stood up and suddenly Merlin staggered, realising he had his arms full of Arthur. It was instantaneous, he'd just grabbed him as the prince had started to slip to the ground. On any other occasion, it would have been funny but now it wasn't.

Arthur was heavy, yet the last thing Merlin intended to do was drop him. He summoned all his strength and as Gaius rolled down the sheets he managed to put, well really unceremoniously dump, Arthur onto the bed.

Finally, for the first time since he'd barged into the room, he caught Gaius's eye and whispered, "Gaius, what's happening?" There was no response and Merlin felt the seriousness of the situation once again grip at his insides. He turned, pleading, "You've got to help him!" and with that Merlin slipped onto his knees beside the bed.

He looked at Arthur lying quietly in a world far away from him. This couldn't be happening, he'd been fine, his usual unbearable self and Merlin would have given anything to feel a cuff across the back of his head or to hear a disparaging comment. This quiet Arthur was scaring him and he whispered to anybody and nobody, "No, please, not again...he doesn't deserve this!"

Gaius suddenly said, "While you're not doing anything, get up and help me with him." For the second time in three months, Merlin and Gaius got an unresponsive Arthur into a night shirt and covered him with blankets. With no medicine at hand, Gaius left to collect supplies.

Merlin was alone. He chatted to Arthur as if he were conscious only hoping that wherever he was, he could hear him. He touched Arthur's face with his fingers, even his ears were burning. "You're so hot, Arthur, it's obviously a fever. Don't worry, Gaius has gone to get you some medicine. You'll be feeling better soon."

Doubt was gnawing at his mind, 'Was this more than a fever?' He put his palm over Arthur's heart. It didn't seem any faster than his own but maybe his was racing as well. Could Gaius help again?

"Stay where you are," he felt stupid saying that to someone who was unconscious but he continued anyway, "I'm just crossing the room to get some cold water and a cloth to make you feel better" He returned, putting his hand softly on Arthur's brow, again feeling the heat. He pushed his hair back and placed the folded damp cloth on his forehead. He glanced down, "Arthur, does that feel any better?"

Apart from fluttering his eyelids, Arthur had not moved since Gaius had left. Merlin said to himself, 'Oh Gaius, please come back soon, I'm really scared...' He hated seeing Arthur suffer.

Gaius returned during this one-sided conversation and marvelled how Merlin in his own simple way, often seemed in control of the situation in which Arthur and he found themselves.

* * *

><p>Once again, Arthur rallied following days of high fever which Gaius seemed at a loss to explain. Each session of illness, was a setback as he never completely regained his former level of energy.<p>

Merlin spent most of the day with Arthur when he was confined to his chambers. On the bright side, the castle stable hands were now responsible for their horses, a chore which Merlin had no trouble relinquishing.

One morning, Gaius had breakfast with Uther. Merlin was in his room when the court physician returned looking exhausted and shaken. Gaius had spoken to the king about Arthur and the outcome was less than satisfactory. Uther would not accept that his heir was sick.

Once again, Merlin could feel the stone in the pit of his stomach. He didn't want to know. Heaven knows, he didn't want to know! But he felt that he had to ask, to give Gaius the opportunity to explain himself, which he obviously had not received from Arthur's father.

"What's wrong with him?"

"It's his heart, Merlin. Somehow it has been damaged maybe by the reoccurring fevers. It isn't doing the job which it should and that is why, he is unable to do all his regular activities without being breathless."

Merlin's eyes opened wide, "I knew there was still something wrong. He won't lie down to rest. Sometimes when I go in, in the morning, he's fast asleep in bed but sitting up."

He breathed a sigh of relief, now they knew the problem, he was confident that Gaius could fix it. He looked at Gaius expectantly, but Gaius couldn't meet his eyes. The pit of his stomach was really hurting now, but he couldn't give up for Arthur's sake. "So, what do we have to do? You can fix it can't you?"

The silence was unbearable, finally Gaius lifted his head and said, "I'm sorry... Merlin...no!"

"No?" Merlin's eyes flashed but remained blue, "What will happen to him?" Something was squeezing his heart as well as his stomach, he couldn't breathe properly, he was floating away. He suddenly was conscious of Gaius's arm on his shoulder.

"He will slow down, getting weaker and weaker and then..." even Gaius couldn't say it. This was the man who had looked after Arthur since he was born.

"Then...what?" Deep down, Merlin knew the answer but he had to ask it even though he could hardly form the words, he owed it to Arthur. He managed to whisper, "Gaius, what will happen ... then?"

"His heart will finally stop." Gaius lowered himself to his chair.

Merlin was determined to know the worst, he had to plan, Arthur was his responsibility. He had to know. He blinked rapidly but finally the tears won and they ran down his face, sniffing loudly, he whispered, "When?"

His tears were contagious. Taking a handkerchief out of his robe and wiping his eyes, Gaius said with a cracking voice, "Months..."

Sobbing uncontrollably, Merlin jumped up bolting for the door.

* * *

><p>Gaius knew Merlin had to work it out himself but it hurt him to see, his young friend, having to relive these tragedies. He moved quietly around him until all his work was finished. He'd been keeping an eye on him for hours, waiting, knowing that Merlin would need to talk.<p>

He made a cup of tea, then pulled a chair over to the alcove where Merlin sat huddled. He understood the intensity of Merlin's memories; memories which now had him shuddering uncontrollably. Gaius pulled Arthur's blanket closer around Merlin's shoulders, waiting for the inevitable...

Suddenly with a pain-filled gasp, Merlin came back to the present. His eyes were still golden but as the tears began to flow they turned blue. Gaius sat waiting...


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5: OF FALCONS AND GOBLETS

Gaius tried to encourage Merlin to take a step away from Arthur's death and consider happier times.

Merlin could see the sense in this but told Gaius that he didn't yet have enough control of his memories. His mind was still too jumbled, cataloguing had not yet taken place as the memories were still too fresh.

Gaius knew that if Merlin had been a less sensitive person, and he thanked God that he was not; he would have coped better but those were not the cards which he had been dealt.

He explained to Gaius that his mind was his. He accepted that, he'd live with it to the best of his ability. Gaius was proud of him. He knew that in being able to say that, Merlin understood more of the goings on in a human mind than many people would ever learn. He still advised him to let his mind gravitate towards happier occasions but he agreed, the final decision would be made by Merlin's unconsciousness.

* * *

><p>Merlin, seated at Gaius's little window, watched a hawk circling above the castle. He remembered going hunting with Arthur and the Master of Falcons, the royal falconer.<p>

Arthur to whom everything came so easily, was hopeless. He met his match in a white gyrfalcon, the King's royal bird. To the falconer's embarrassment, it refused to cooperate with the Prince. As Arthur released it, it would lift off then go to a lone tree and preen itself. Poor Arthur, no amount of persuading would get it back to his arm. Furious, he threatened the bird who peered at him with beady eyes as it ruffled its feathers. "How dare you, you stupid bird!" he muttered. The whole exercise resulted in nothing more than a stalemate between Arthur and the falcon.

As usual, Merlin couldn't contain himself and suggested, "You need to be compassionate, 'sweet talk' it!"

"Since when did _you_ become an expert? I'll 'sweet talk' you when we get back!" He paused, got a gleam in his eyes and said, "_Mer_-lin, I'd like to see how well you'd manage!"

However, the falconer refused to allow anyone but the Prince to fly the royal bird, which finally becoming bored, returned to the falconer not to Arthur. So, the falconer offered Merlin a little hawk, which worked beautifully. She spend along low, skimming the trees and caught her prey in flight. She returned to Merlin's hand and graciously accepted her reward.

The falconer smiled when he saw how well they worked together. "She's in love with you, not surprisingly as she's a merlin, a handy bird that is popular with the ladies. Your namesake, congratulations!"

"I'll take the punishment; let him fly the gyrfalcon." insisted Arthur, seemingly annoyed at Merlin's receiving praise.

Hesitantly, the falconer checked around him. "Sire, if anyone should see, it would mean my job..."

Arthur did not take a refusal well. "Are you listening to me, my man? Do it!" He snarled, "That's a command, not a request!"

The falconer, turned to Merlin raising his eyes, then acknowledged Arthur by saying, "As you wish, Sire." before going to get the gyrfalcon from its perch.

Merlin took a deep breath, a merlin was small weighing only eight ounces, the gyrfalcon was closer to three pounds with a forty-five inch wingspan. Why was Arthur setting him up for failure? He'd be ending up with a week of lukewarm meals, dirty laundry and an untidy room, if he wasn't careful!

The gyrfalcon sat quietly on his arm, he removed the hood and it looked at him imperiously. He released his hold of the jesses. It was spectacular, it lifted off and started to circle. It took Merlin's breath away; he felt emotional. Rising in ever widening circles, the falcon's speed increased. Such beauty. Such power. Suddenly it saw its prey, it plummeted and there was the hare. It dived. The hare stopped struggling.

Merlin glanced at Arthur, whose jaw had dropped, a look of astonishment on his face, disbelief even... The falconer was grinning as the bird returned to Merlin. It looked him in the eye, challenging him. Merlin was thrilled, he put back his head and laughed.

He glanced uncomfortably at Arthur. The falconer took the bird and stood to one side. Arthur came over, slapped Merlin on the back of his head, put his arm around his shoulder, swearing him to secrecy, only Gaius could know.

Merlin realized at that moment that Arthur's pride in him was genuine, he felt that he was so happy, he would burst.

The three of them rode back to the mews at Camelot. The falconer proud of his birds. Arthur genuinely pleased grinning to himself; ever so often glancing back at Merlin, smiling at him and raising his eye brows as only Arthur could. Merlin riding along proudly with the little merlin which kept chittering to him as it rode on his hand.

Merlin smiled, turned to Arthur to tease him again, then reality hit, he was alone.

* * *

><p>Memories we're flooding back of happier times. The overpowering urge was still to dwell on Arthur's and his last six months together. Every now and again, something would happen and his mind would take a detour finding a hint of happiness; something he had almost despaired of ever experiencing again.<p>

Sitting at the table in Gaius's workshop, he glanced at the square based goblet which Arthur had given him before he died... He wrapped his fingers around the stem, feeling the weight.

Goblets had always played an important part in his life. He recalled the yellow-flowered goblet as he liked to call it. He still couldn't believe that knowing it was poisoned; he had drunk the contents. At the time, it had seemed the right thing to do. Furthermore, he knew that he would drink it now, if it meant that Arthur could still be here.

Suddenly, he could hear and smell the ocean. The rock was flat, the bench hard and the table solid. Arthur was sitting opposite him. Merlin had tried to take the goblet as he was insignificant; his loss would be felt by few. On the other hand, Arthur was indispensable; yet as he crashed to the ground, a feeling of indescribable disbelief flooded through Merlin, someone loved him enough to give his life for his.

He raised his hand to wipe his eyes, as his gratitude for and love of Arthur surfaced.

He was again in the courtyard, it was a warm day. For company, he had one of the kitchen cats curled up fast asleep and sharing the bench with him. His mind was wandering...

He had become adept at avoiding thrown objects, especially goblets. He remembered one day ducking as Arthur hurled his at him because he'd given a smart retort after being ordered to get more wine. It had a squared base and he'd ducked instead of turning, so it hit him with a resounding clunk below his right eye. He stopped dead and put his hand to his face. He swung on Arthur ready to take him on but he'd already crossed the room towards him. Merlin could feel stickiness on his fingers and a stinging pain below his eye.

Arthur grabbed his hair and pulled him to the window, turning his right cheek to the light. He pulled Merlin's hand away and wiped away the blood with the pad of his own thumb. As fresh little droplets again beaded the surface of the cut, he said, "You'll live! Your pretty face will look good with a scar. Mind you, good thing that your cheek bones are so prominent, I could have taken out your eye!"

Pushing him ahead of him, by a hand on the back of his neck, he plunked him into a seat at the table, handing him a serviette to staunch the blood. Raising his eyes, he continued, "Honestly, Merlin, do I have to look after you the whole time!" and Arthur bent down to pick up the offending goblet.

The cut still hurt but Merlin couldn't help smiling, this was the closest he was going to get to an apology.

With a start, he opened his eyes, he was back in the little courtyard. Merlin raised the same goblet to the sky, acknowledging its previous owner, mentally nodding to his friend, he whispered, "Arthur, I'm still here and I think, I'm going to make it!"


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6: BY RIDING AND LYING**

Trying to be involved with his recovery, Merlin set himself a daily task to think about a positive incident in Arthur's and his lives. He would allow his mind free rein and let it take him where it wanted.

What was the worst that would happen? He was safe with Gaius, he was improving and if his head insisted on returning to Arthur's dying moments, he would cope. He already had in real time!

Each morning, he wracked his brain for positive episodes. Gaius approved and these mental exercises, Gaius's keeping him busy, good foods and the herbal medications which he was taking regularly seemed to be helping.

Merlin decided that thinking deeply was not unlike meditating; it would slow his heart down and bring into focus good times on which to build a tomorrow. Yet, if it were a negative force that had taken over then he would come to with a racing heart and a sadness that took the whole day to ease. His mind had a will of its own and he had been learning to accept that...

* * *

><p>Merlin whistled and two horses threw up their heads and left the group lazing under the trees. They were palfreys, riding horses stabled at Castle Farm, used for pleasure riding instead of the destriers from the Castle Stables.<p>

Leading the way was a mare, the rare colour of newly minted gold with a flaxen mane and tail. This was Siani, _the bright one_. She cantered straight at Merlin who stood in the pasture with legs slightly apart, arms slightly raised with opened palms.

In a show of spirit, as she got closer, she swung her neck from side to side, challenging him. She slowed, stopping short of slamming into him, nickering in welcome. She stretched out her neck and explored his body from head to toe, snuffling. Merlin surrendered to this with a soft smile. Finally satisfied, she puffed into his ear and rested her head on his shoulder, reminiscent of horses resting their heads on each other in a field.

Merlin recalled the first time she'd raced at him. He'd braced himself standing his ground as he knew he couldn't outrun her and was sure she was going to savage him and he'd come out of it, the worse for wear. Yet even as she barreled towards him, he felt overwhelmed, mesmerised by her.

Now, he laughed wrapping his arms around her neck and she lifted him off the ground. He let go and stood at her shoulder marveling at how happy she made him.

Arthur watched feeling stupid as he realized, he was envious of Merlin's unabashed delight in the attention he received from this little horse, but then Arthur recalled, Merlin was loved by everyone from castle dogs to village children, servants to knights, even Arthur himself.

Merlin, oblivious to Arthur's thoughts, buried his head in Siani's neck.

Arthur was now conscious of the second horse approaching. It came at an extended trot which always took his breath away. It was dish-faced, with small ears and large soft eyes, a coppery chestnut, desert stallion called Gaznih, who when he reached the future king, lowered his head, stretching out his muzzle to touch Arthur's knees as if in homage. Arthur smiled and ran his hands under Gaznih's forelock and scratched his forehead and the base of his little ears. He could feel the horse leaning into his hands and chuckled.

The plan was to ride around the lake. The riders bareback, a pleasure ride, no armor, no outriders just two friends taking a gentle ride as anything more strenuous had become too tiring for Arthur.

They had almost completed the circuit which had included a race through the lower meadows, which Arthur won and were heading back for lunch; when they came to an open beach, where Merlin and Arthur slid off the horses leading them into the water to drink.

Arthur suddenly said, "Rudd and I loved this beach, if we got a day off from the tutor and it was warm enough, we swam here. We used to have such a great time... "

"Rudd...?" Merlin queried as he had never heard Arthur mention that name.

Arthur stood silently looking at the water. He sighed, explaining, "When I was around six months old, another baby was born at Camelot a little boy named Rudyard, whose parents were Sir Rupert, the present Court Treasurer and Lady Allyse. Sadly, his mother also died and Uther decided that we should be raised together by my nursemaids."

Arthur continued explaining that he and Rudd thrived and had a wonderful time living in a castle, where they had the run of the place as their playground. They ate in a little room off the kitchen and one of their favourite places was under the big kitchen table, where they were often slipped treats by the kitchen maids. He laughed, "We were spoiled rotten by the knights and villagers. The only person to call us to task was our tutor and Gaius."

Gaius often figured in Arthur's stories and Merlin knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Arthur loved and respected him. There was an unexplained bond there.

"Life was good to us," continued Arthur, "we had no understanding of how hard life was going to be." He stopped for a moment but picked up again with, "If we had had to list our favourites, they would have been Sir Rupert, after that here, Castle Farm with its assorted animals and people, the Castle Stables, most of the Camelot knights, the Knights' Training Ground, the blacksmith's and the castle attics."

"I didn't know there were attics!"

Putting his arm on his shoulder and pulling him towards him, Arthur mimicked in the same tone, "See, _Mer-_lin, you _don't _know everything!" and lightly patted his head which action soon turned into cuffing the back of it. Merlin shook his head in disgust, playfully batted away Arthur's hand, managing to dodge a follow up punch. Arthur laughed threatening a surprise retaliatory attack later in the day and Merlin suddenly hoped that there would be many more days like this.

"One very hot summer day," Arthur carried on, "We brought a picnic here. We'd been swimming and lay on the sand drying off. Typically, the next thing, we were fooling around wrestling; we heard horses and stood up. It was Rudd's father and Sir Talbot a young knight. Sir Rupert told us that if we brushed off the sand, and got dressed, we could ride back to Camelot with them. Neither of us wanted to ride with Talbot who was the one knight we really didn't like! So..." Arthur smiled remembering, "We both clambered up on Sir Rupert's horse and rode triumphantly back to Camelot."

Arthur's face fell but he continued, "The following morning, when we went to the tutor, he told Rudd that his father wanted to see him in his chambers. Rudd left happily, as he was getting off lessons to be with his father."

Arthur then explained that he never saw him again. As a nine year old, he couldn't understand what had happened. No one would talk about it. He asked Gaius but got no satisfaction so finally, he got up the courage to visit his father, who bluntly told him what Sir Talbot had reported that he had seen at the beach and so Rudd had been sent away.

Arthur said, "I was confused, Merlin, frightened and upset. I tried to find Sir Rupert but he was also away from Camelot, so I trooped off to find Gaius and repeated what my father had said."

"Gaius, will I get sent away too?" I asked him, "What was my father talking about? What did he mean? I remember that as usual Gaius understood and was kind."

Merlin could imagine Gaius looking at the broken-hearted boy who didn't really understand what Uther had said to him thinking, 'What had Uther been doing repeating such gossip to his son?'

He imagined Gaius hugging the sobbing Arthur, telling him that nobody would ever send or take him away from Camelot. He could hear him saying, 'You belong here! This is your home and we all love you very much...Everything is all right. Just remember that not everyone can be trusted, some people tell lies.' Gaius must have wondering if any of this was making any sense to the young Arthur.

Merlin realised that Gaius even in those days was worth his weight in gold.

A couple of days later, Sir Rupert was back and he also explained that Talbot had lied about what they had been doing on the beach but that Rudd was now a knight-in-training, a squire at his uncle, the Earl of Warwick's castle. "He asked me to tell you that he is quite happy there..." he kindly said.

Arthur remarked, "I was shocked but I remember that Sir Rupert had become very serious and continued, 'Promise me, Arthur, when you become King and have children, you will always be a father first and then a king.' I think I just nodded at him."

Arthur looked straight at Merlin, gave a slight shrug of his shoulders and sadly said, "Anyway, I won't have to worry about that now, will I?"

Merlin felt that someone had clutched his heart but he said quietly, "Come on, Arthur..." and thought to himself, 'Why is dying so hard?'

Arthur continued, "I was frightened of Talbot. If I met him alone in the corridor, he would sneer at me and purposely push me into the wall as he strode by. Sometimes, it really hurt! I had no one to tell, just Gaius, but my father told him I was being too soft and it was time I grew up. Shortly after that I was allowed to spend time training with the young Camelot squires."

"Why haven't I ever met a Sir Talbot?"

"You were lucky not to! However, a couple of years later," Arthur casually said, "Talbot went out with Sir Kay on patrol and that evening, Sir Kay returned leading one of Camelot's horses behind his own with the body of a knight slung over the saddle. I never did learn what had happened... I wasn't interested. I was by then eleven and I hated him!

Anyway," he smiled, "the horses have had enough to drink, let's go."

* * *

><p>Arthur never spoke of Rudd again, but after he died, Merlin mentioned him one day to Gaius telling him what Arthur had said. The Court physician wouldn't be drawn into it, he only said, "Talbot was a lying toad, a troublemaker and a disgrace to the knighthood."<p>

"But what happened to him?"

Gaius, looking him straight in the eyes, said, "I don't know!"

To which Merlin immediately retorted, "...so, we have another lying toad!" and Gaius laughed...


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7: THROUGH FIGHTING TO FORGIVING**

Funny things flitted through Merlin's mind when he was able to think clearly.

He was up early and the rising sun caught his eyes and momentarily blinded him and he suddenly remembered walking out the main door of the palace into the rising sun.

* * *

><p>Three days rain, no training and excessive energy led to an annoying, irritable, insufferable, pampered, demanding prat. Things got out of hand when he purposely jostled Merlin who had his arms full of clean laundry. The shirts and underclothes went flying onto the yet to be cleaned floor.<p>

That was the start of a shoving match which quickly escalated into blows, until Arthur placed his hand on the charging Merlin's head and by straightening out his arm held him at bay as Merlin swung in vain trying to make contact.

Unfortunately, Arthur's rear met the edge of the table and put him off balance. Merlin made contact, left to the upper body, right to the face.

The howl from Arthur was as much from shock as pain. He grabbed his face, blood oozing between his fingers.

Merlin for once feeling no remorse, backed up and waited fists at the ready for a second bout. Arthur had been outboxed and more than that, outboxed by according to his previous comments 'a weak girl of a servant'. He was furious, he stomped towards Merlin and yelled a muffled, "You are fired!"

Merlin sauntered to the door and his parting shot was heard loud and clear, "Fuck you, Arthur Pendragon!"

* * *

><p>Gaius had upon seeing Merlin, gone to check up on Arthur. His nose wasn't broken but he would be the owner of a couple of black eyes. Arthur refused point blank to discuss the incident and as Merlin had not enlightened him further than stating that Arthur could do with his help, Gaius decided not to interfere. It would blow over.<p>

Neither combatant was willing to withdraw his last words. People wondered why Merlin was not at Arthur's side especially as according to the castle gossip; Arthur had received those black eyes when his manservant had accidentally opened the door into the prince's face.

By the end of the week, things were still not settled. Two damaged souls were hiding out in Camelot. Merlin had Gaius but on the other hand, Arthur could only simmer by himself as he couldn't; he wouldn't acknowledge to anyone that he had lost not only a stupid fight but also his only real friend.

Gaius tried to talk sense into Merlin but years of dealing with Arthur had clouded his perception of master/servant fairness. Yes, he acknowledged that he was wrong to hit Arthur but...

Gaius had on a subsequent visit to check Arthur, tried to reason with him but to no avail, they were both as pigheaded as each other.

Time supposedly heals all wounds but not this one.

* * *

><p>Merlin realized how sick and tired he was of pampering a spoiled brat. He wasn't a happy warlock at the moment; he was tending his wounded pride.<p>

Did Arthur not understand his abilities, his feelings? How long was he supposed to kowtow to an insufferable badly behaved royal? Had he not proven to be trustworthy and reliable, albeit a little late in the mornings? Things would have to change if he was ever going to _even_ _acknowledge _Arthur in the street.

But he thought, 'He is Arthur, supposedly my destiny, some destiny! He has stood up for me on innumerable occasions and in a pinch I would trust him with my life. I don't really need him to do that but it is nice to have someone care. But oh, he is insufferable...yet I really miss him!'

Merlin said to himself, 'Did I really say fuck to him?' laughter bubbled up inside him, 'Oh, if we ever settle this, I'll be paying for that retort for ages!'

* * *

><p>Well, he can easily be replaced, he wasn't that great a manservant, was he? Moody, interfering, idiotic and all those other annoying things that made him Merlin. He couldn't handle a horse, a sword or even a pile of laundry if it came to that. He was hopeless making a bed and as to mucking out stables, well, forget it!<p>

Things had changed for the better without him, he'd show that bumbling fool how little he needed him around.

But he thought, 'He is Merlin, and when he smiles the world is a nicer place. I know he'd give every ounce of his being for me. Not that I can't look out for myself... He's made my life in the palace bearable. He brings out the best in me, I think. But oh, he is exasperating...and I really miss him!'

Arthur thought to himself, 'Did he really say fuck to me?' laughter bubbled up inside him, 'Oh, if we ever settle this, he'll be paying for that retort for ages!'

* * *

><p>Merlin's hurt feelings of being taken advantage of, were lessening and Arthur's black eyes fading but each was still feeling sorry for himself. They had not seen each other since the fight.<p>

Gaius had to step in...This had to stop! An unhappy Merlin was no fun to have around his chambers and Arthur had been threatening anyone and everyone who got near him.

Gaius had to get the two dunderheads back together again...but how? He decided to take matters into his own hands; he would settle it one way or another.

And so... the two combatants were notified that their presence was requested on neutral grounds. The location was the courtyard of Camelot before the large flight of steps up to the palace, with dawn being the time decided upon. There was to be a non-combative verbal challenge with seconds. Gaius threatened under pain of death that Merlin and Arthur had no choice but to attend!

The next day dawned clear and chilly. Arthur with a bored look but a heightened demeanor, and his second were present when Gaius arrived in the courtyard. As the rays of the sun gently caressed the spires of Camelot, Arthur cleared his voice and commented in his usual style, to nobody, "Typical, late as usual!"

Gaius admonished him with the words, "Arthur! Give him a few minutes he will come."

As the fingers of the rising sun illuminated the main door, out stepped a tall thin servant clothed in the ceremonial dress of the Royal Household. Making no eye contact with the three persons below him, he descended the stairs, the swaying of the tall feathers on his hat, echoing his every movement. Head down, he walked to within three paces of Gaius and stopped.

Gaius's face showed surprise and then slowly understanding. He hoped Arthur would realise and accept what was was about to happen.

Merlin turned slightly towards Arthur, eyes still cast down; he lifted his head, allowing his eyes to wander across the cobbles to Arthur's boots, up his body to his chest. His demeanor reflected his clothes.

His face relaxed slightly and by the time he was looking into Arthur's face, his eyes were bright, and his lips had the suspicion of a beseeching smile.

Gaius couldn't see the prince's face, so when Arthur took a step towards Merlin, he immediately intervened to stop further fighting. Then facing Arthur, who actually seemed shaken, he asked him to identify himself and his second.

Arthur complied saying, "I am Arthur Pendragon, Crown Prince of Camelot."

"And your second?" prompted Gaius.

Glancing over his shoulder, he continued "My second is Sir Leon of Camelot."

Gaius turned to Merlin asking the same questions.

Merlin looked straight at Arthur and bowing his head, replied, "I am Merlin, manservant to the Crown Prince."

"And your second?" Gaius again prompted.

Merlin looked deep into Arthur's eyes and hopefully reaching his heart, said quietly and humbly, "My second is Merlin, the friend of Arthur."

Arthur gave an audible gasp. He knew that was the essence of Merlin in those two little words.

Merlin.

Friend.

The person, he had hated with a passion since being punched in the face, had succinctly and truthfully summarised their relationship. At that very moment, Arthur's heart was aching and his mind wiped clean of any negative feeling towards the person facing him, eyes pleading that he be accepted...

Arthur took two steps forward and placed his hands on both of his shoulders. Not letting him go until he had managed to quietly, yet with a catch in his voice, say, "Fuck you, Merlin!"

To which a visibly relieved Merlin, had replied with a grin, "You too, Arthur!"

"...and for heaven's sake, remove that ridiculous hat!" This being said in louder voice for the benefit of Gaius and Leon, who smiled at each other shrugging.

The reunited prince and his loyal servant walked to the stairs. Arthur jostled Merlin a number of times. At the door, Merlin stood back, holding it and with a flourish of his hat, bowed low and said, "Sire!"

To which his Sire answered, "Idiot!" Grabbing him by the neck, they entered the palace side by side, equals! At least, until the next time Merlin made reference to his superior fighting ability...

Gaius watched satisfied that he had intervened. He was so proud of Merlin, again marveling, at his ability to deal with Arthur.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8: WITH CAKES AND CELEBRATIONS **

Arthur's illness still plagued him. Some days he was comparatively active, able to walk, slowly climb stairs and practically manage by himself. Other days, his feet dragged, he huffed and puffed over the slightest exertion. Even bending to put on and take of his boots was beyond his ability. At those times he was happier, sitting in his chair, watching the activities in the courtyard.

* * *

><p>At the end of the Autumnal Equinox Council meeting, Uther rose and announced, "Camelot will not be celebrating the birthday of the Prince this year. There will be no castle-wide birthday celebrations." Stunned silence greeted this news.<p>

True, Arthur was not well but he would still be having a birthday. The Council, the Knights and the castle staff were expecting a toned down celebration with maybe an appearance by the Prince if he was well enough.

Sir Leon stepped forward and said, "But, Sire, surely..."

He was cut off immediately by a furious Uther, "Leon, it is no concern of yours!" and turning to the assembled knights, he motioned for them to leave.

Geoffrey de Monmouth and Gaius remained in the Council Hall. Geoffrey approached Uther and quietly suggested that maybe an evening meal and some little special event for the castle staff might be appropriate.

Uther turned on him as well, "I will not celebrate the day of my wife's death! Regardless of what other might think! You may both leave."

Gaius seeing the look of determination on Uther's face and remembering back thirty odd years, clenched his teeth, bowed and followed Geoffrey out of the Hall.

* * *

><p>Geoffrey and he returned to the Library. They sat in front of the fire, goblets in hand relishing a quiet moment and a well deserved drink. The two old friends discussed times past and particularly times present.<p>

Gaius had been instrumental in getting any celebration of a birthday started when Arthur was five years old.

One birthday, Gaius gave Arthur a book with the drawings of all the jobs which were done daily in the castle. It was a hit! But Gaius was saddened when with the curiosity and forwardness of a four year old child; Arthur asked him, "Does the King know that today is my birthday?"

Gaius had always given Arthur a little present. Sometimes it was just a special trip to Castle Farm or mixing chemicals that bubbled and fizzed, enchanting the child. The staff had always lifted a glass in their Crown Prince's honour at their evening meals but nothing from Uther.

One year, Gaius knew that the time had come to broach the subject with the king.

The conversation had been difficult. Uther did not like the child and wanted no part of him as he reminded him of his dead wife. Gaius fought on Arthur's side for at least recognition of his birth right. Uther conceded and agreed that the boy could, on his birthday, be brought into the Grand Hall prior to the evening meal.

Gaius breathed a sigh of relief; it was at least a step in the right direction. This status quo existed for Arthur's childhood years. Once the eleven year old began training as a knight, he was then expected to be present in the Grand Hall for all important functions.

* * *

><p>Leon and Lancelot had gone straight from the Council Room to find Merlin. As usual he was with Arthur, who brightened up seeing his two brother knights. Lancelot stayed and visited with him while Leon pulled Merlin into the corridor.<p>

Merlin could see that by the look of consternation on Leon's face that there was trouble brewing.

Without any preliminaries, Leon rushed into it, "I've had it with the way the King treats Arthur. He has cancelled all Camelot celebrations for the Prince's birthday!"

"He...what?"

Merlin could not belief his ears. He had no love for the King but to blatantly insult Arthur who was seriously sick... That was the action of a sick minded man. Merlin was furious and could not imagine Arthur's pain on hearing this. He probably would not have been able to attend the festivities but he would have enjoyed thinking that everyone was having a good time.

Merlin who usually acted before he thought things out, did what any friend would have done. He made a decision. Arthur would have a birthday celebration here in his chambers. He'd invite just a few of the knights, Gaius, Geoffrey and the senior knights Sir Rupert and Sir Kay. No armour no weapons, no fanfare, they would just celebrate Arthur and his still being with them.

Leon agreed to take care of the invitations to Arthur's party. Merlin would approach Gaius and Geoffrey. He would also approach Gwen to help serve, no strangers were needed. The meal would be simple, an early autumn meal of roasted boar and wild salmon, beverages as desired and some suitable sweets. He would approach his favourites of the kitchen staff and he knew they would be in agreement.

And so it came to pass! Everyone had been notified that the get together would only last until Arthur seemed to be getting tired. No gifts were expected but 'good wishes' were welcomed.

Gwen had brought special flowers to decorate the chambers. The food had arrived via the back stairs and Arthur was well rested for the event.

As the guests arrived, they were greeting by Arthur in his chair near the fire. Merlin could tell by the look on his friend's face that he was pleased to see each and every guest. It was like old times!

Gaius had his physician's eye on him the whole time but everything went according to plan. Merlin and Gwen giggled seeing Lancelot and Leon help clear the table. Soon everyone was just relaxing, drinking and talking about times gone by. No sadness just the happiness of memories that could be shared.

Later in the evening, Merlin noticed Gaius raise his eyebrow, nodding at him so he glanced at Arthur, and realised that he was beginning to get tired. Merlin nodded as arranged, at Leon who stood up and announced that, as they had an early sortie the following morning that it was time to leave. The knights stood, Lancelot asked them to again raise their glasses and he said, "To Arthur, a Prince, a Knight and a Friend! All the best...!"

With warm goodbyes, the Knights left the chamber, little realizing that in nine months they would be repeating this as a final farewell to their prince...

Merlin could see that Arthur was ready for bed but Arthur was still re-living the evening so he put more wood on the fire and sat opposite him enjoying the warmth and listening to Arthur's comments on the wonderful birthday celebration.

Finally, Arthur agreed that he was tired and allowed Merlin to get him ready for bed.

* * *

><p>Merlin was not yet ready for sleep, so he was sitting cross-legged on the bed beside the sleeping Arthur, looking at a book on weaponry, when suddenly the bedchamber door burst open.<p>

Uther stormed in...

"Get off my son's bed!

How dare you!

Who do you think you are?

You're nothing but a servant!

I really don't understand how my son can bear to have you around! You are undisciplined, insubordinate, unsatisfactory, irresponsible and an idiot!

Why he keeps you as a manservant is beyond me?"

... Merlin had come flying off the bed

He felt rather than saw Arthur's body tense and slightly shift position.

He glanced back at him, seeing no further reaction. Merlin knew that Arthur must have heard his father's yelling and felt him jumping off the bed. But he was not responding to any of it, he just lay there with his eyes closed, softly breathing. Arthur had not taken anything from Gaius that night as the physician was wary of mixing drink and medication. Merlin came to the conclusion that Arthur was play-acting!

"Wake him!"

Merlin learned over Arthur, his hand already reaching out to touch the prince. Just in time, he stilled his hand. For some time now, he had been waking Arthur by gently ruffling his hair and lightly running his fingers across his face. Arthur then woke up slowly and usually smiling. Tonight was not the right time to be doing this!

Uther seemed oblivious to the aborted action, yet Merlin's heart was pounding. He pulled back and stood upright, trying to pretend that he had leaned over the prince just to see if he was awake. He said in a normal voice, "Sire, your...The King wishes to speak to you, Sire!"

No response. He repeated it louder and from his position, saw Arthur's eyelids flutter but no other movement. His breathing remained steady but he was unresponsive.

Merlin glanced at Uther, "Sire...? He shrugged and stepped aside.

"Get out, leave us!" Uther roared. "Tomorrow you will be replaced!"

Merlin retreated no further than the antechamber. He sat on the servant's bed, his head in his hands. He felt as if he should have stood up to Uther but maybe not this evening. He had to think first of Arthur's needs. For insubordination to Uther, he could be driven out of and exiled from Camelot or worse. That would have accomplished little but hurting Arthur, when he needed him the most. His mind was racing, he felt an over-powering need to get _that man_ out of the bedchamber!

* * *

><p>Uther went over to the bed. He put out his hand but on second thought pulled it back, never actually making physical contact with Arthur. Merlin heard him mumble something but only caught, "... do I even bother?" before Uther turned and left the room.<p>

Merlin walked back into the main chamber and dropped the wooden beam over the supports to bar the door.

He made his way over to the bed, glancing down at the silently crying Arthur, teardrops caught on his eyelashes. He sat back down on the bed, reached over and gently pushed the hair off Arthur's forehead,wiping away the tears.

As he felt Merlin beside him, Arthur opened his eyes. "I couldn't talk to him. I knew about the cancellation of my birthday celebration. The castle maids were talking in the corridor.

He paused and sniffed, "I had a lovely birthday, Merlin. Thank you, for making this day special."

Then he announced, "I can't sleep _now_... I'm getting up!" Arthur had had a full day, so any activity because of his heart ailment was even slower and took a lot of energy. Merlin helped him sit up, putting his dressing gown on him and he knelt down to put on his slippers. He took Arthur's blanket, wrapped it around him, helping him to his chair before the fire and put on an extra couple of logs.

Merlin knew it was going to be a sleepless night for both of them. He drew up another chair close to Arthur. They both sat looking into the flames, appreciating the warmth.

For the longest time, they sat in comfortable silence, staring into the blazing fire; ever so often talking quietly above the crackling sounds. The fire started to go out. The logs were collapsing into orange and yellow embers, eventually turning grey. Dying like future kingdoms without rulers. Like Camelot!

* * *

><p>Merlin chuckled, he thought that Arthur and he were like an old married couple-sitting by the fire in silence. Each one occupied with his own thoughts, which unknown to either, were about each other.<p>

He told Arthur what he had thought.

"Where do you get these ideas? Honestly, I can't keep up with you!" He paused and Merlin could see by that far-away look in his eyes, that he was running that same thought through his mind.

He finally smiled sadly saying, "You know Merlin, I'd have liked that! We would have accomplished all our plans and we'd just be old men, sitting around with our memories, telling exaggerated stories of the high jinks, we got up to as young men! It would have been special and very satisfying. We would have had so much to talk about but now..."

He paused and never continued. It hurt too much. "...but now, I think I am ready to go back to bed."

Merlin helped him from the chair to the bed. He removed his slippers and took off his dressing gown. He plumped up the pillows and made sure that he was comfortably settled, covering him once again with his fur-lined blanket. He knew that Arthur would sleep in late tomorrow as he'd had such a long exhaustive day.

Arthur murmured, "Thank you for being here, Merlin. My party was perfect and I'm sorry that I kept you up half the night."

"No problem, if you don't mind my being a little late, getting going in the morning!"

"_Mer_-lin, let it go!"

* * *

><p>The next time Merlin saw Gaius, he told him of Uther's tirade against him and his frustration with Arthur. Gaius suggested it would might be better that he keep to the background when the king was present. He realised that jealousy could be compared to a disease, eating away at a person, even a king.<p>

Deep down, he worried how Arthur would cope if the king carried out his threat of replacing Merlin. Gaius vowed that wasn't going to happen!


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9: ONCE UPON A WINTRY DAY**

Winter winds battled Camelot. The surrounding trees whipped clean of leaves, stood as sentinels for the lower town. All casements in the castle were closed but the wind was still able to moan through the hallways and chambers. Heavy curtains over the windows baffled many of the draughts but the sound still permeated the rooms. The Royal chambers also had heavy curtains over the doors in an effort to retain the heat. Candles continually flickered and the flames from the fire cast long shadows.

Merlin woke to the moaning sound and remembered a not too distant winter.

* * *

><p>Arthur had been doing well. His fever had not returned and he was actively involved with his training, sitting in on council meetings and attending Uther as he ran the kingdom. Merlin watched like a hawk that he didn't over exert himself, keeping Gaius apprised of his general health.<p>

Yuletide had been a busy time with visitors from neighbouring kingdoms. Visitors were always welcomed as they brought news and during the winter, news was a valued commodity. They also carried official correspondence which would result in more council meetings following the seasonal festivities.

Banquets were held with feasting and drinking. Suitably embellished tales were told by the knights of the previous season's tournaments and battles. Good times were well emphasized and failures were conveniently glossed over.

Mummers were welcomed for evenings of entertainment for the royal court, while the household servants were entertained in their quarters.

The court celebrated with lavish meals which were followed by formal dancing, musical entertainment and late night revelries.

Merlin was kept busy.

As Arthur's manservant, he was in attendance at each event until he was no longer needed and dismissed; returning to Arthur's chambers with breakfast in the morning. It proved to be many a long day.

Arthur's wardrobe during this time was severely stressed. Knights had limited outfits but the Crown Prince was expected to reflect the kingdom's wealth when foreign dignitaries were present.

Merlin was sick and tired of the daily cleaning and freshening up of clothes worn the previous evening. He himself was not a clothes freak but during times of celebration, Arthur had surprised him. This was the selfsame Arthur who would quite happily wear the same clothes, often blood covered, on a four day hunting trip; now he was demanding fresh tunics, over-blouses and jackets daily.

Merlin questioned him late one morning, "Arthur, can't you wear the same outfit tonight? It's not dirty and you like it..."

Arthur retorted, "You're the manservant, I get to decide what I want to wear. You, Merlin, get to lay out clothes for my consideration, keep them clean and be my dresser."

"Can't wait for Spring! Then you will be back to your usual 'slobby' self."

"You can't say that about a Prince, take it back."

Merlin occupying himself picking up discarded underclothes and yesterday's clothes, said under his breath, "So, make me!"

Suddenly, he found himself being tackled by a flying prince, he landed momentarily flat on his back on Arthur's bed, before slipping in slow motion, headfirst onto the flagstones.

He cracked his head and yelled, "Ow! Arthur that wasn't funny, it hurt!"

Arthur unceremoniously grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up, dropping him back onto the bed.

"It wasn't meant to be funny. One day, you'll forget and speak like that in front of a visitor or even Uther. It will be embarrassing for me and disastrous for you! Tell me again what you said; I'd like you to say it, clearly to my face..."

Arthur turned reaching for a pewter water jug.

Merlin reached over, grabbing a pillow to cover his face in a defensive action, "I would never do that, you can trust me. Please, don't!" He wasn't sure if there was water in the jug but he still had visions of wet sheets and blankets which would mean more work...

Arthur then, saw the funny side of the situation; his manservant, in the middle of his bed, one hand to his sore head and the other clutching a pillow...

Merlin afraid of being soaked...

Merlin hiding behind a pillow...

He started to laugh, plunking himself down on the bed beside him, still laughing; rolling over and punching the pillow... Merlin peeked out at him.

They were brought back to reality with Gaius clearing his throat, "Sorry to interrupt." He apologised, "I knocked, I could hear voices and... what happened here?" He put down the medicine he was carrying and looked at the egg on Merlin's forehead, the clutched pillow and turned to Arthur accusingly as he lay there with the jug in his hand.

Arthur jumped up, "I didn't actually hit Merlin, he fell off the bed, hitting his head."

Gaius walked over to check, "You'll survive but in future be more careful when you're in Arthur's bed." He laughed as he realised what he'd just said and shook his head.

Colour crept up Merlin's face as Arthur cracked up, leaned over and punched him in the arm saying, "Gaius obviously knows something we don't!"

"Seriously though, I came to see if I could borrow Merlin for a couple of hours, as I want him to deliver some medications to the Lower Town, I can't face the deep snow and icy paths."

"That's fine, Gaius." Turning to Merlin, with a grin, Arthur said in a stage whisper, "Don't be too long, I'll be missing you!" Then he fell on the bed howling with laughter.

Gaius joined in and Merlin, his face the colour of beets remarked, "Very funny, the two of you..." He grabbed his cloak and left the room.

He walked down the corridor, carrying Gaius's medical bag, still conscious of their laughter. He swung his winter cloak around his shoulders, his face still burning. Shaking his head, he muttered, "What just happened? Did I miss something?"

Knowing quite well that if he had missed the point, his face wouldn't still feel flushed!


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10 : THROUGH TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS (Part one of five)**

Merlin feeling much more at ease as the spring days approached, had been shooed out of his room by Gaius to get some fresh air. Wrapped in Arthur's blanket, he sat up on the battlements above the hectic life and in his mind, possible threats in Camelot. He watched travellers below, arriving at the castle; their faces lit with anticipation of an interesting sojourn.

His mind flashed back to his first official visit with Arthur... His train of thoughts faltered, 'Was it really eight months since Arthur died? ... visit... official visit to a neighbouring kingdom and the ensuing chaos which was not completely his fault.

* * *

><p>Uther sent Arthur and Sir Rupert, to the kingdom of Sertium to represent Camelot by attending the Coming of Age festivities of Prince Borsunt. Arthur chose Lancelot and Gawaine to complete the party. Merlin took it for granted that he would go to attend Arthur as his manservant.<p>

Arthur explained, "I won't be needing you, Merlin, as a _real_ manservant will be made available from King Belasord's household, so you might as well stay in Camelot and play around with Gaius or do whatever important things you do when you're not bothering me!"

"But you'll need me, honestly Arthur. You know you'll need me!"

Arthur remained adamant, "I won't, really Merlin, when do I absolutely need you?"

"You never know, you might really need me this time," Merlin insisted. "I know you better than any stranger. Please take me, Arthur."

Merlin wouldn't let it go; he insisted that he would accompany the prince. Finally, Gaius suggested to Arthur that he take him and let him help with the baggage and the horses. To keep the peace, an unhappy Arthur agreed, warning Merlin, "Remember, you will not be there in your official capacity as my manservant. You'll just be my dogsbody, are you still sure you want to go?"

Merlin grinned not seeing much distinction between the two positions as far as Arthur was concerned. "Yes," he nodded, "It will be fun!"

"Not for you, it won't..." scowled his prince.

"Oh, come on, it will. I'll assist the others and make myself useful."

"Oh! Let me at least, warn them of your intentions," Arthur chuckled as he left punching Merlin in the arm, playfully, well maybe, not that playfully.

Merlin didn't care as he had won the contest as to whether or not, he'd be going to Sertium. He reckoned, 'Arthur will need me, he always ends up needing me.'

Little did Merlin know... that this time it wouldn't be Arthur who would be needing the warlock's help...

* * *

><p>Bright and early on the first day of the week, Merlin stood at the bottom of the steps in the courtyard, hanging onto three horses, waiting for Arthur and Sir Rupert.<p>

Uther was giving Arthur and the senior knight, some final instructions, when there was a minor disruption in the courtyard below. Merlin had his and Arthur's horses by the reins and Sir Rupert's by the stirrup as it backed across the yard in anticipation of an outing.

The king shook his head, "Best of luck, if you intend to take that liability with you! At least, Camelot will be safe while you're away. Whatever you do, Arthur, don't let him cause a major incident in Sertium..."

Arthur scowled, furious with Merlin for once again drawing attention to his ineptitude as a servant and furthermore, to his own as a master. More fuel for the fire when the king would try to convince him to either properly train the 'idiot' or get an experienced manservant.

Finally, Sir Rupert's horse had backed itself into a corner across the courtyard, Merlin managed to get hold of its reins and the three horses and Merlin, clattered back to their original position at the bottom of the steps.

Merlin looked up to see Uther scowling at him. He dropped his head but not before grinning across to Arthur and shrugging his shoulders.

Arthur felt a chuckle building up but he just raised his eyebrows and shook his head at Merlin, before giving his father once again his undivided attention.

* * *

><p>Arthur and Sir Rupert lead the procession out of the courtyard followed by Gawaine and Lancelot, then Merlin with Tom from the stables, leading a packhorse with their supplies. They would be spending two nights on the road before arriving at Sertium.<p>

Merlin's horse was unhappy as it expected to be up in front next to Arthur's, its stablemate. It danced and sidestepped impatiently but Merlin managed to keep it in the back row.

The six riders rode through the forest breaking for lunch beside a mountain stream. When they mounted up again, Merlin bored with Tom's company, decided he wanted to ride behind or next to Arthur, or possibly Gawaine.

Slowly with each stop, Merlin and his horse made their way forward until finally the two horses were together. Merlin glanced happily at Arthur and smiled. Arthur just shook his head saying, "Took you long enough!"

They arrived at a suitable glen and as the day was ending, camp was set up; everyone giving a hand except Arthur who gave directions seated on a fallen log by their campfire. Merlin wasn't having any of that so he called out, "Arthur, can't you at least give us a hand so we'll be done faster."

"No, 'dogsbody", that's why I brought you, remember?" The others laughed.

Gawaine returned with a couple of rabbits which he skinned and roasted. Tom handed out the supplies and a decent meal was had. As night fell, they set around the fire discussing the coming days until one by one, they unrolled their bedding and turned in.

Arthur stood looking at his bedroll as if he were clueless. Merlin determined to pay him back for his last insulting remark, pretended ignorance of the situation and settled ready to fall asleep. That was until a pebble aimed at his head made contact and he had to acknowledge the prince. He got up and walked over to him, "Sire," he said innocently, "Do you need help?"

Arthur just kicked his bed roll in Merlin's direction. Merlin apologised," So sorry, Sire, I am not yet accustomed to my dogsbody duties." He knelt, opening the bed roll, arranged it on the ground and gave an exaggerated bow to the prince.

"Don't get too cocky, Merlin, as you said, you don't know the extent of a dogsbody's duties!"

Giving Merlin a half-hearted scowl, he lay down and pulled the blanket around him.

Merlin thought this trip might prove interesting...

On the second night into the journey, Merlin helped Tom set up the camp in a field outside a small village. Gawaine happy to finally see civilization, went with Lancelot to reconnoitre, returning to announce that there was a pub so the knights and the prince decided to walk over to sample the local ale.

Gawaine feeling sorry to be leaving Merlin, mentioned to Arthur that it might be a good idea to take him with them to help get them back to camp if it should be needed. Arthur told Merlin that he would accompany them, so the three knights, the prince and his not so wonderful manservant set out.

A good time was had by all. No excessive drinking but Gawaine managed to start at least one fight and was finally unceremoniously chucked out and barred for life by the landlord. He sat dejectedly on the well and waited for the others.

Merlin never one to leave things alone, told Arthur that he would go and check on Gawaine. Arthur had nodded more to stop being interrupted than to agree with the idea.

Gawaine was happy to have company and convinced Merlin that he needed another ale, so Merlin also became barred for life when he purchased an ale for a currently barred customer.

Arthur raised his eyes to heaven, pleading, "Don't get Merlin into further trouble, Gawaine. I have problems enough with him as it is."

"Arthur, I promise, from now on, I'll look after him like my younger brother."

"Exactly what I am worrying about..." said the prince.

* * *

><p>Camp was broken early the next morning. The knights now formally dressed as they were expected in Sertium for noon.<p>

True to his word, Arthur's party was greeted by King Belasord and Prince Borsunt and later in the guest chambers allocated to him, a manservant for the duration of his visit, introduced himself. Stanley was to serve Arthur during his stay in Sertium. "It will be an honour to serve you, Sire!" he announced.

Merlin hadn't realised how strange he would feel handing over his prince to Stanley. He stood there immobilized until Arthur finally had to tell him, "Merlin, I no longer need you today, you may go. Return later this evening."

A very unhappy Merlin left the chamber passing the smirking Stanley. He decided to make himself useful, so set out to find the knights' quarters. He was very impressed with the castle. It was warm and draught free. The staff was pleasant and happily gave him the necessary directions.

He found Lancelot and Gawaine and helped them with their dressing for the evening meal. He was not expected to attend anyone in the Dining Hall, so he then set out for the stables. The horses, pleased to see him, were settled in their new quarters.

Hungry, Tom and he made their way to the Servants' Hall. In this household, the Dining Room had its own staff so Merlin noticed Stanley seated with friends at one of the main tables. The manservant would return to his own quarters at night, leaving the servant's bed in the guest room's antechamber to Merlin.

Three days passed and Arthur seemed satisfied with Stanley's serving him. He reminded Merlin that he must emulate Stanley as that was the best way to learn, from an expert. Merlin suppressed his immediate retort and murmured, "Yes, Sire!"

To which, Arthur laughed continuing, "Come on, Merlin, you can do better than that. Tell the truth, you can see that he is excellent. Very capable, fast, quiet, no arguing, no chatting and you will especially pay attention to this, always on time! I want you to observe his work, so I expect you here when I dress for supper tomorrow evening."

Next evening, Merlin stood in attendance, in the corner of the chamber as Stanley dressed Arthur for the Celebratory Dinner. He felt uncomfortable, there was something about Stanley's continual fixing and rearranging of Arthur's clothes which was beyond the care usually given by a dresser but the prince seemed oblivious as he usual was when someone was helping him dress. To him, they were just an extra pair of hands.

With Merlin, there would have been continual talking as he helped him but Stanley never uttered more than, "Is that comfortable, Sire? Does that seem right? No Sire, I can fix that... better?"

Merlin realized that each unnecessary touch was accompanied by a challenging smile from Stanley in Merlin's direction. He wanted to push Stanley away and deal with Arthur himself. He suddenly realized that maybe he was jealous. That was silly really but why did he feel so uncomfortable about it.

Arthur was now dressed; Stanley making final adjustments to the outfit, while the skin on Merlin's body crawled. He'd kill him, he really would if he didn't stop touching Arthur like that.

Arthur turned and said, "Thank you, Stanley, you may go." turning to Merlin he continued, "Did you learn something from that?"

Stanley left the room, brushing against Merlin as he did, looking him in the eye as if challenging him to a contest with Arthur as the prize.

Merlin didn't intend to take this every day. He turned to Arthur saying challengingly, "Why did you let him do that?"

"Do what?"

"Fuss over you like that and touch you continually."

Arthur glared in Merlin's direction, "He's a manservant, a dresser. Scared that I am going to bring him back to Camelot instead of you?" There was silence, he turned and saw the look on Merlin's face. "Merlin lighten up, I'm kidding..."

Merlin glanced away. He felt strange, Arthur might see Stanley as only a manservant but Merlin felt that Stanley had another agenda, as he was picking up negative vibes.

* * *

><p>Merlin felt Stanley's hands resting on his shoulders, his clammy thumbs touching the back of his neck. He involuntarily shivered, moving forward with a wrenching movement to dislodge them but to no avail. He felt the other man leaning toward him, his breath in his ear asnd with a syrupy voice , he asked, "So, how's the Golden Boy in bed?"<p>

Merlin's stomach recoiled.

The table became quiet all eyes turned towards him.

"Prince Arthur to you!" he snarled, pulling himself up, pushing himself back as Stanley cried out, the bench cutting him across the shins. "If you want to live, watch not only your mouth but your filthy mind. Now, get away from me."

"Oh, Lover Boy, is jealous!" Stanley pretended to shake and cower. "I'm scared of you, Merlin..."

The servants' hall erupted in laughter. Some of the occupants with strained looks as if there was more to Stanley than Merlin realised.

Merlin left the room and braced himself against the outer wall. He was upset yet furious. How dare Stanley accuse him of impropriety? How could he have said such a despicable thing about Arthur?

Arthur was his friend and he'd defend him till the end. He decided not to tell Arthur, he'd take care of this himself. He made his way back to the stables to check on Tom and the horses. Chances are that Gawaine might be there and he could run the situation by him; as he'd know what to do.

Luckily, Gawaine was there. Merlin embarrassingly told him of his run in with Stanley and exactly what he had said. Gawaine was surprised and annoyed to hear of Merlin's experience. "I'll watch out for Arthur as well. Between the two of us, we should be able to keep him clear of any problems. Look out for yourself, Merlin, Stanley sounds like trouble."

Feeling confident now that Gawaine was involved, Merlin returned to Arthur's quarters. He liked Gawaine, he'd always been friendly and his sense of humor was very infectious as far as Merlin was concerned. However, Arthur said that he wasn't a steady type, preferring Lancelot.

Arthur wasn't in, so Merlin took the opportunity to tidy up his clothes. The servant's bed in the antechamber looked rather inviting so he stretched out hoping that footsteps near the door would awaken him. They didn't and he was caught there when Arthur and Stanley returned.

Arthur dismissed Stanley saying, "I can manage tonight. I will see you in the morning."

"Yes, Sire, early as usual..."

Arthur nodded absentmindedly, so Stanley departed.

Merlin waited a few moments, then announced himself. "Arthur, let me help you with that."

"Ah, Merlin," Arthur smiled genuinely pleased to see him. So, he happily took over his former position for the evening. They chattered amiably as he got changed.

The prince wanting to know what Merlin had been up to said, "So how was your evening, was the food in the servants' quarters good? Meet anyone interesting?"

Merlin could feel himself blushing as he looked at Arthur who wasn't watching him, Stanley's words vivid in his mind. He managed to answer off handedly and steered the conversation back to Arthur's evening as he was too embarrassed to repeat to Arthur what had happened in the servants' hall.

He was still annoyed by Stanley's insinuations about him. He loved Arthur that was true but as a brother. Anyway, Arthur was popular with the ladies so Stanley was way off base in his accusations.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11 : THROUGH TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS (Part 2 of 5)**

Merlin was not needed during the second evening's State Dinner but he couldn't bring himself to return to the Servants' Hall. He knew Stanley would probably be, on the look out for him, to further belittle him in public. Instead, he went outside, visited the horses and met up with Tom. Then, decided to eat with the outside staff in a smaller hall off the stable area.

The company was friendly, the food was good. They sat around drinking ale after the meal so Merlin decided it might be a good time to find out more about Stanley. He casually mentioned seeing him the previous night in the Servants' Hall.

"There's a strange kettle o' fish, don't have no time for 'im or 'is cronies. Brutes that what's them be!" reported one of the older stable hands.

"He ain't been 'ere long but sure causes problems for us'ns," said the chap next to him.

Quite a few of the others agreed by nodding their heads.

"Nasty is more like it" remarked the Head Gardener, "Just downright brutal, can't trust the man."

"Wouldn't want to find m'self on 'is bad side," agreed a man called Rolf.

Merlin remembered clammy fingers on his neck and shivered.

"Remember young Jimmy's face when Stanley had finished with 'im... and it was a mistake as 'im wasn't the one Stanley was after.. Wouldn't trust that 'un, no matter how far you cud throw 'im."

The older groom, Eldred, sitting next to Tom, leaned over and asked Merlin how he knew him. Merlin acknowledged that he was the acting manservant for his master while they were in Sertium.

"Good Lord, that sure ain't no gift... tell youse master to watch out, he's a right royal bastard!"

Following Eldred's statement, there was consensus around the table.

Tom nudged Merlin, he wanted to leave as he was getting nervous hearing about Stanley.

"Well, young man, if I was youse, I'd steer well clear of that there gent," replied the groom. "I'se been here since I'm ten, and 'aven't seen the likes of 'im for ages. He's a bad 'un!"

This didn't do much for Merlin's confidence except reinforce that his first impressions were correct. He left Tom on his way the stable boys' quarters and decided to continue to Gawaine's room to wait for him, as he needed to update him on what he had just heard from the outside staff.

* * *

><p>He crossed a courtyard and was making his way along an outer corridor when he saw a figure approaching him. Merlin became apprehensive. The central figure whom he recognised, was subsequently flanked by two larger framed individuals.<p>

Stanley and his two henchmen!

The information which he had picked up in the last few minutes, still very fresh in his mind; Merlin turned and ran blindly down another corridor. Just his luck as it was a dead end!

Stanley and gang approached. There was no escape. All he could think of was Arthur...someone roughly grabbed his arm, then both his wrists were slammed against the wall above his head and pinned there. Stanley approached him, smirked and smiling sweetly, made two fists, crouched like a boxer and punched him, one after the other with incredible force in the ribs. All Merlin's breath was forced out of him, his knees gave way and he gasped like a landed fish.

His head had dropped forward but a fistful of hair was grabbed, straightening him up and his head was pounded repeatedly against the wall. His sight blurred from tears. However, he wouldn't scream, he was determined not to give Stanley that satisfaction.

His abuser stood back and said, "You think you're so special! Think you're a match for me? No way, Merlin, never!" He smiled and said, "Go ahead boys!"

The hands holding his wrists changed and Merlin was punched over and over by each of the other men. He felt that his body was no longer connected to his mind. He tried to retreat from the brutality but the pain kept calling him back.

The punching stopped and he became more lucid. He could only dimly see his attackers as if his mind was trying to protect him from the reality of his current situation.

Stanley stepped forward, spit at him then gave him a stinging slap across the face, following this by punching him in the face. As the blood flowed freely, Stanley stood back, smirked, then viciously kneeing him in the groin, nodded that his hands be released and Merlin fell.

Stanley laughed and said for the benefit of his friends, "Lover Boy, that should keep you out of commission for a couple of weeks!" To reinforce this, he kicked him again in the groin, while he was down.

Merlin writhed on the ground, the pain intense. For a second, he thought that his body had exploded. He wasn't thinking right, his mind was fuzzy. He saw Gaius, he'd know what to do; he'd helped knights with worse injuries than this, but somewhere in his mind, he realised that Gaius wasn't really there.

'What had he ever done to deserve such a beating?'

He knew that the three of them were still there, so he rolled himself into a ball, lying perfectly still, facing away from them hoping that they had forgotten him. No such luck! Suddenly, a boot made contact with his lower back. He would not scream. Again and again, he was kicked before his assailants stopped. He didn't feel brave, he wanted to run away, to be anywhere but here. Please!

Merlin's mind was shutting down, his injuries were causing him to lose consciousness. He welcomed the soft clouds wiping out reality, the darkness promising to follow them. He was still conscious of voices and heard.

"That'll keep him away from Arthur for some time!"

Through the mist, he heard another deeper voice, "What'll we do with him? They'll come looking for him once the Prince knows he's missing."

"Let me handle the Golden Boy, you watch out for his knights especially the two young ones." Merlin recognized Stanley's voice. "Leave him here, no one will find him till morning. Arthur will be furious because he never returned tonight and I'll be there commiserating with him and offering to start a search."

Then Stanley laughed before continuing, "He's used to me now. He'll want me back in Camelot with him. My job will be secure and the King will be happy."

In his weakened condition, Merlin wondered why Uther would go to this much trouble to get him away from Arthur.

He couldn't think anymore, it was too hard.

Merlin was in trouble, he remained crunched in a ball holding himself, tears streaming down his face as he tried to even out his breathing. His lower back felt broken, his ribs and sides were screaming, the back of his head hurt and felt wet, his groin and guts burned.

Merlin had never been seriously attacked before. Wizards and other magical manifestations had tried to hurt him but never people. 'Why was this happening?'

* * *

><p>Arthur waited for Merlin but he never appeared, he figured that he must have forgotten the time and decided not to worry about him. He'd come back. Finally, he turned in, falling asleep never realizing that Merlin was hurting, lying in a corridor, all alone, frightened.<p>

* * *

><p>Merlin raised his head, it was daylight and as the dizziness subsequently cleared, he remembered... He flinched envisioning another blow to his already bruised body.<p>

He felt so cold. He tried to straighten his back going through excruciating pain. His arms functioned as did his legs but his ribs, chest, stomach and guts were shrieking, a sound, he alone could hear.

He slid himself up against the wall, wondering why no one had come to find him; his mind trying to accept his still being in the corridor. 'Didn't Arthur know that I wasn't there last night? He must have realised I didn't come back as I always check on him before I turn in.'

He moved and pains shot through him. A single tear of loneliness rolled down his cheek. He felt abandoned as he realised how little Arthur must think of him. He thought they were friends but obviously not... He had never come, even though Merlin had called for him during the night when the pain was too intense for him to sleep.

Merlin tried to ease himself to his knees... If he could stand even clinging to the wall, he could slowly make his way to Arthur. He thought of Gaius and he felt his heart would break. 'Why had no one found him? Was this a deserted area? Had he been moved?' He didn't think so, he'd have remembered it.

He tried to put weight on his elbows to turn himself around but the pain coursing through his chest, took his breath away. He was hampered by the fact that even breathing in caused spasms.

He rolled on his side, screaming in distress. He managed to slide one knee up; he clenched his jaw so he wouldn't cry out again and rolled over to be in a kneeling position; head resting against the wall, sweat running down his face. He pulled his second knee into the same position. He had to rest, the pain was excruciating; he'd exhausted himself. He thought, 'Don't fall asleep!' He was afraid of falling back onto the flagstones.

He was kneeling, a spark of hope surged through him. He had patience, he could do it, even if it took him a full day.

Voices, he thought he heard distant voices but couldn't make them out...

* * *

><p>Arthur woke to Stanley's knocking on the chamber door, arriving with his breakfast. He threw open the curtains. "Good morning, Sire, a beautiful day for your return to Camelot."<p>

As Arthur came to, he had a nagging thought in the back of his mind. 'What was it?'

Something important or nothing of importance...

"Merlin!"

Suddenly, he shot out of bed charging to the antechamber, he wanted to find a sleepy Merlin but in his heart he knew it wouldn't be so. Merlin would have woken him when he came in as he would have checked that he was alright.

He pulled back the curtain to find an empty bed. "What the hell! Where is he?" The bed hadn't been slept in.

He turned, "Stanley, have you seen Merlin this morning?"

"No, Sire." He answered as sweetly as ever, "Maybe he's already gone for breakfast?"

Arthur said, "No, he wouldn't have left before speaking to me. The Idiot, where is he? When I get my hands on him, he'll rue the day he asked to come to these celebrations."

With a smile on his face, Stanley said helpfully, "Sire, would you like me to mount a search for him? I know this castle and I'm sure that if he is here, I can find him."

"No! Fetch, Sir Lancelot and Sir Gawaine. Don't tell them anything. Go now, I'm not hungry..."

By the time, Lancelot and Gawaine had reached Arthur, Stanley was back, fussing around him. They could tell that he was getting on Arthur's nerves.

Lancelot looked at Arthur, he seemed really stressed, "Arthur, what has happened? "

Arthur snapped at Stanley, "Leave us and get back to finding Merlin."

Lancelot and Gawaine picked up the last phrase. They looked at each other.

"Arthur," Lancelot spoke up, "_What_ about Merlin? Didn't you see him last night? He's always by you. He might not be the best servant, but he takes his job seriously... what happened?"

Lancelot couldn't help but sound critical. Arthur knew that was a jab at his having chosen Stanley over Merlin. Arthur didn't like Lancelot's tone, he'd straighten him out later.

"Did you two have a fight? Gawaine also sounded insolent, possibly to cover the guilt he felt. "He's like your shadow." He didn't intend to add to Arthur's worry but neither had he seen Merlin to speak to, since after supper two nights ago, when he had told him of Stanley's remarks. He felt sick.

Arthur knew he was being challenged by two of his own knights. 'Couldn't they see what this situation was doing to him?'

He sat down and let his head drop into his hands, "I don't _know_ what happened. He just didn't turn up." If Merlin had walked in right then, he would have happily throttled him.

"No, we didn't fight. He was fine yesterday morning and then Stanley arrived and I dismissed him. I just expected to see him before I turned it but... I knew I'd hear him when he came in as he has an annoying..." Arthur shook his head sadly and his voice cracked, "...an annoying habit of checking on me. He wakes me up to see if I am still alive." He looked threateningly at them both, implying, 'Don't ask!'

Gawaine looked up as Arthur said that and smiled, that was so Merlin-like. He had a childlike confidence, a way which made him all the more lovable.

"If he'd come in, I would have known...I'd been expecting him, I would have heard him. Good Lord, what's happened to him? I thought he was either with Tom or the two of you. I wasn't worried as he's always late but eventually arrives. I must have fallen asleep, I feel so stupid..."

Arthur felt shy telling them of Merlin's little habits but over the years he had come to accept being awoken as he always fell back asleep without any trouble. He saw it as a sign of Merlin's feelings for him, something a best friend would do, just because he could. He choked up; warning himself, 'This is not the time to get emotional!'

Lancelot could see how upset Arthur was getting. He thought, 'Funny how Merlin had this affect on so many people.' He turned away and said to no one, "We'll find him, don't worry, he's resourceful and can look after himself. He'll turn up soon!" Trying to sound helpful and convince himself at the same time.

Gawaine didn't have anything to say. He felt too sick. He had the information about Merlin and Stanley's run in and he was worried. He should have at least given Lancelot the heads-up but he didn't. He knew that he hadn't wanted to bother Arthur but now he felt so utterly stupid.

Thoughts kept racing through his mind.

'How had he not realised the danger in which Merlin might possibly find himself?

Why in Heaven's name, had he thought that he was so clever, such a wonderful knight that he could fight this all by himself?

Merlin was suffering or maybe worse, because of his pride and stupidity.'

... and now he would have to tell the two of them.

Arthur glanced over at him, realising that Gawaine wasn't doing as well in the situation as he had expected, "Gawaine, what is it?"

Gawaine turned a look of panic on his face, "Arthur, I knew something might happen... Merlin told me that..."

"You bastard, ...how dare you keep anything from me that concerns Merlin? Here, I was thinking that you were his friend, he likes you and you've let him down... You'd better pray we find him or you'll be dealing with me!"

Lancelot tried to calm him but Arthur was seeing red.

"If you value your life, you'll tell me everything you know about this situation."

Gawaine turned and looked out the window, so he didn't face Arthur's anger head one. He knew he would tell what had happened but he couldn't further hurt Merlin by telling Arthur what Stanley had insinuated. It would have been wrong as he'd promised not to tell. The least thing he could do was to keep that promise.

He cleared his throat and confessed, "Merlin had a run in with your manservant, he came to me and I..."

The events following supper in the Servants Hall came to light...


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12 : THROUGH TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS (Part 3 of 5) **

He might as well have been handcuffed in a cell, he had that little dexterity of movement. At least he would have had company, he'd have known that the guards were nearby! Merlin empathised with all men manacled, lying in dungeons in Camelot and Sertium.

'Camelot! Why had he reminded himself of Camelot? What was he going to do if he ever returned there, work for Gaius as had been his original plan? Arthur wouldn't need him, he'd already proven that in innumerable ways on this trip.'

He shifted to relieve the pressure on his knees. The pain had intensified. He was really feeling sorry for himself; his thoughts became a litany of negativity. He wasn't normally conscious of his feelings as life was usually great. He was generally an up-beat, happy person but he had never been beaten-up before. Put in stocks, thrown into the dungeons, yes, but never physically immobilized and beaten.

He had a good job, there was a flash of The Prat. He had made friends. The word stuck in his throat, 'He'd made a friend, hadn't he?' Well, he had thought so but this experience had taught him one thing, he'd better examine whatever he thought of as friendship – as obviously the other person hadn't felt the same.

He pain intensified as he tried to move, his throat contracted and he groaned, "Arthur, I'm here!" He tried sending mental images of himself to Arthur and Gawaine.

Merlin tried to raise his hip allowing him to bend his knee, his groin screamed at the extension of the muscles. He returned it to the floor.

His thoughts were spiraling down. 'Why do I feel so upset?' His self-esteem was being challenged. He tried to convince himself he would survive this. 'Get a hold of yourself, you were beaten but you are alive; you are on your knees; next step will be to stand up. You will get out of here!' But heavier thoughts prevailed, 'How seriously damaged am I? Will I ever be of use to anyone?' Merlin cringed, 'Will Stanley return to finish me off?'

Slowly, Merlin's mind digressed. It had assumed an active role in the situation in which he had found himself but now he lost sight of the future. He gave up, slumping as an indistinguishable pile of rubbish at the bottom of a wall, with only a glimmer of hope in his mind.

He visualized it, a golden haired figure with hands outstretched reaching for him, offering friendship, maybe more... It shocked him out of his stupour, "Arthur, I'm here", he whispered. "Don't forget me...!"

He pulled himself away from the wall and again tried raising his knee and putting weight on his foot. The pain returned but he worked through it.

Merlin knew he was scared, he'd experienced that before, a burst of fear followed within a short time by relief but this scared was different. It was mind encompassing. He wanted to close his mind to all the pain and the thoughts. He needed to regroup so that as time passed, he would be able to save himself – no one else would. He pushed down on the raised knee and searching for crevasses in the stone wall managed to get his other knee upright. He'd done it!

Merlin was on his feet. He was still unsure of his ability to walk or even find his way out of the corridor. If necessary, he would crawl, he had to get back; he didn't know what Stanley might do to Arthur. Maybe Gawaine knew he was missing. "Please find me..." he whispered.

Concentrating on his feet, he took a step using the wall as a brace. Each step was excruciating. He felt so sore that he was scared; he knew he needed to see Gaius.

* * *

><p>The alarm had been raised in the castle that Merlin, the manservant of Prince Arthur of Camelot, had gone missing and foul play was suspected.<p>

Lancelot was scouring chambers and antechambers; Prince Borsund accompanied by Arthur, was questioning household servants and inside staff. Sir Rupert was in charge of the guest wings and kitchens; Tom had the stables and barns. Gawaine in disgrace, was relegated to outside staff quarters and their general areas.

The castle staff was also looking for him.

Gawaine wandered the East wing near the outside staff quarters.

He turned the corner of a dark dingy corridor and heard more than saw someone. There was a dragging sound and scrabbling on the stone walls. He squinted and saw an old man wobbling along.

He was staring reality in the face and it wasn't registering...

'Merlin?' he thought...

"Oh! Please God, no ... Merlin!"

He raced at him and as Merlin's head came up; he lost his balance and would have crashed to the floor, if Gawaine hadn't reached him in time to catch him in his arms.

Merlin screamed as he was caught. Remembering, he tried to fight the constraining arms. He couldn't face the possibility of more pain. He tried to call out, which in his present condition was only a whisper, "No..." The pain on being held, took away his breath and he stopped struggling.

"Merlin, it's me, Gawaine! You're safe, I won't let anyone hurt you. Honest, you're safe."

Merlin made no sign that he knew who he was. "You're safe," he repeated. "Arthur is looking for you. He's been worried." He felt Merlin relax at the familiar name. "I'll get you to Arthur as soon as I can."

Gawaine was shocked, pulling off his cloak, he knelt down, lowering him onto it, holding Merlin in his arms until he quietened and the moaning stopped.

Merlin was whispering. Gawaine could pick out Arthur's name, over and over again, Merlin asking him to come as he was scared. Gawaine felt as if he was eavesdropping on a private conversation. Then there was only silence, Gawaine's heart fell but then he realised that the reason for the silence was that Merlin had passed out.

Gawaine had been in enough pub brawls to recognize an assault and not just an accidental fall.

He whispered to the young man who was slowly regaining consciousness. "I'll kill who ever did this to you, Merlin." Gawaine now felt certain that Stanley had retaliated to Merlin's threat from the two nights ago.

Merlin made eye contact, realising he was being held by someone he knew and trusted; he turned his head into Gawaine's chest and relaxed. He was exhausted, very sore but with Gawaine, he knew he was safe.

Gawaine waited until he heard noise from the adjacent corridor and called for help. The castle's Head Groundskeeper turned at the sound and came to his aid.

* * *

><p>Merlin was carefully transferred to a litter and carried back to Arthur's chambers. Arthur insisted that he be put on his bed. The court physician, Benedictus, had been called and was awaiting their arrival.<p>

Arthur was beside himself. He felt responsible as he had not kept Merlin with him in Sertium. No one could explain what had happened, or more importantly why Merlin had been assaulted. He was no threat, he'd never cause a fight. Hunting rabbits flashed through his mind and he knew that if he had to say anything; he'd have classified Merlin as a lover not a fighter.

Arthur's stomach turned when he saw the condition of Merlin's body as he helped the physician undress him. He was bruised from mid-thigh to mid-chest, his scalp was split and congealed blood was in his hair, down his neck and on his clothes. His nose was swollen and bruises were beginning to form as black eyes. Carefully turned on his side, his back was patterned by huge bruises from his buttocks to his waist. It was not hard to recognise kick marks.

He glanced at the others and saw their expressions reflecting his horror at Merlin's condition.

Benedictus who knew Gaius, tutted and sighed as he saw what damage had been done. Arthur made sure that he knew that this was Gaius's ward; care beyond the call of duty would be well rewarded.

Arthur went to Merlin's head and talked quietly to him reminding him of Gaius and Camelot. He needed to apologise for not searching the previous night; the thought of Merlin lying, hurting in a deserted corridor did nothing to assuage his guilt. He didn't want to question him about his assailants until he was more stable.

There was a knock on the door and Stanley came in, "Sire, I haven't been..." His face blanched, they'd found him. Hopefully, he was dead but the court physician working on him, suggested otherwise.

This situation might still work out as Arthur would need a manservant until Merlin was well enough to work. He'd wait until they were alone to broach the subject of his returning to Camelot with Arthur.

Arthur turned and saw Stanley, and said to him, "You may leave, your services are not required until further notice."

Arthur looked down at Merlin. Gawaine had washed his face and had cut out the hair matted with congealed blood. Sir Rupert was helping the physician with his potions and salves. Merlin flinched each time he was touched. He was alert but refused to open his eyes feeling safer, in the darkness, just listening to the voices of his Camelot friends.

Benedictus reported that most of the pain was caused by soft tissue trauma but that the kicks could have damaged his kidneys and he would write a note to Gaius, explaining his concerns.

Arthur refused to allow Merlin to be moved to the Castle Infirmary. He trusted only his Camelot knights. So Benedictus gave Arthur the ointments and salves for Merlin and left, telling Arthur to notify him immediately if he noticed any changes; promising that he would be back later as he intended to check on Merlin again.

Merlin had fallen asleep after receiving a draught from Benedictus. He had not been questioned about what had happened as the physician wanted him to rest for a couple of days.

Arthur was glad that Merlin was sedated as he would have fought them for carrying out Benedictus's orders. Rupert helped with him the most, as Arthur felt that the elder knight was better able to help him. He knew Rupert could be trusted and he didn't want Merlin embarrassed when he knew of the personal care he had needed.

On his fourth visit, Benedictus took the prince aside and explained that Merlin's bladder might be bruised as is often the case in groin and lower gut injuries. Although the relief of finding him, was only recent, Arthur felt a deep down chuckle. Merlin was so private about himself that if he knew someone other than Gaius was discussing his water-works especially with the prince. He would have been mortified.

Benedictus told him to think positively, "Merlin is obviously a survivor and determined to find something positive even in critical moments such as these." He continued his visits now reduced to twice daily.

Arthur felt a little assured but not any less guilty.

Prince Borsund dropped by, apologising profusely to Arthur that one of his party had been hurt at Sertium; promising to find the culprits and punish them.

'Not if I get to Stanley first,' thought Gawaine. He had noticed the lack of surprise on Stanley's face at Merlin's condition. 'I'm going to draw that to Arthur's attention,' he decided.

The prince invited them to extend their visit as they saw fit and to retain any staff allocated to them.

* * *

><p>Sir Rupert offered to sit by the sleeping Merlin so the others could take a break and get some food. He knew that until Merlin, gave them the whole story, they only had a rough idea of what had probably happened.<p>

Gawaine was again questioned by Arthur on Merlin's conversation with him. Again, he did not repeat word for word Stanley's accusations but did repeat Merlin's response. If one day, Merlin decided to tell Arthur the rest, that would be his prerogative.

He also mentioned Merlin telling him of Stanley's smirking at him as he dressed Arthur and jostling him as he left the chamber, non-verbally, taunting him. Merlin had mentioned that he had picked up negative vibes from the very beginning but that Arthur had told him not to be silly.

Arthur was shocked, he remembered that Merlin had questioned him about Stanley's behaviour and he had brushed him off. He now was living to regret not listening fully to Merlin's suspicions. He felt so stupid, especially as Merlin was always sensitive to other people's thoughts and actions, he'd obviously noticed something, not quite right.

Lancelot and Arthur cautioned Gawaine against taking on Stanley before they had a chat with Merlin. It might result in more harm to him. Gawaine decided to bide his time but he'd promised Merlin and he intended to get Stanley!

Arthur made the decision that they would postpone their return for at least five days to give Merlin a chance to recuperate.


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER 13 : THROUGH TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS (PART 4 OF 5)**

Two days later, Merlin opened his eyes, conscious that the pain was diminishing. For the first time, he felt more relaxed than he had been since his run in with Stanley and gang.

Arthur was relieved to see beyond the bruising, the Merlin he knew. Now, was maybe the time to broach the subject of his assault. He turned to Lancelot and raised his eyebrows. Lancelot shook his head, mouthing, "... maybe tomorrow, he's not ready yet."

Not wanting to upset Merlin, Arthur casually sat beside him on the bed, "So, you're brighter today. Has the pain gone?" He had hated watching Merlin in pain. He knew, he had felt worse than if he had been suffering the pain himself; he'd never felt that way before about anyone.

Merlin stretched feeling slight twinges but apart from that, he did feel a lot better; maybe soon, they'd let him get out of bed. He was miles away, already travelling home to Camelot...

* * *

><p>The following morning, after Benedictus had checked his patient and left satisfied with his progress. Arthur knew that the time was now; he sat down on the bed.<p>

Merlin was far away in his mind, when suddenly, he was conscious of Arthur talking to him...

"I'm going to ask you a few questions?" Arthur felt Merlin pull away from him. "We'd just like to find out what happened to you? You can tell me the truth. You have me, as well as three Camelot knights to protect you. So regardless of what the people who hurt you said; you can count on our not letting you out of sight and that you will be safe."

Gawaine, moved to behind Arthur's shoulder, leaning forward, "Merlin, tell Arthur what happened that night, after supper, in the servants' quarters."

Merlin shuddered, he could hear Stanley's voice, 'So, how's the Golden Boy in bed?' He glanced up into Arthur eyes, blushed, letting his eyes drop to Arthur's hand resting near his on the bed...

Gawaine realising his problem, quietly asked, "Would you like me to start?"

He nodded, eyes going back to Arthur's face.

So Gawaine started the story, leaving out any parts that would embarrass Merlin in front of Arthur, Lancelot and Sir Rupert. He wanted to set the stage so that Merlin would be able to finish it. "Is that right, so far?"

Merlin nodded, agreeing.

Arthur asked, "Then what happened?"

Reluctantly, Merlin retold the conversations that he and Tom had heard from the outside staff and how he had then gone to find Gawaine and...

"You bumped into someone?" Arthur prompted. He needed to hear Merlin say the name of his attacker.

Merlin lifted his eyes to Arthur who nodded in encouragement. He was so quiet that they could hardly hear him. He looked upset, "Arthur, You didn't believe me, I tried to tell you he wanted me out of the way so he could be closer to you."

Arthur remembered the conversation and felt rotten.

By the look on Merlin's face, they realised that he was reliving what had happened. He told Arthur how he'd been punched and kneed; then kicked in the back. He had rolled into a ball and lay there. He confided, "I tried not to scream 'like a girl' that would have meant that they had won!" There was the suspicion of a challenge on Merlin's face as he glanced at Arthur.

Arthur looked uncomfortable. He again felt upset that at that moment of intense pain, all Merlin could think about was his callousness. He bowed his head, whispering, "Oh, Merlin...I'm so sorry..."

Merlin's mind went back into the past and he was getting lost there. Gawaine told him to relax, he was safe and to take all the time he needed, prompting, "Did they say anything after they had hurt you?"

"They discussed getting me out of the way and said that the king would be happy and his job would then be secure."

Merlin paused, glancing at Arthur, "Does Uther hate me that much?

"Merlin, you are _my_ manservant, not my father's, I choose to have you with me. My father doesn't have any control over you. You mightn't be his favourite member of the household staff, but he doesn't hate you! Are you sure that the man said Uther? It doesn't make any sense!"

"He never _said_ Uther, just The King!

"Who said that, Merlin?

Merlin looked at Gawaine who nodded. So, he looked directly at Arthur as if he was disappointed in him, as if Arthur had let him down when he had the most need of him and said in a low voice, "Arthur, you know..." Merlin's voice caught in his throat, "I told you there was something wrong, it was Stanley... and two other men..."

Arthur nodded and couldn't look Merlin in the eye. He reached out his hand to Merlin's shoulder but Merlin cringed and so he took his hand back without making contact. He wanted so much to give Merlin a hug as Gaius had given him when he was little, and still did on some occasions but his upbringing had been so lacking in personal contact that he didn't know how to and the opportunity was lost.

"Now, what do we do?" asked Lancelot.

* * *

><p>Benedictus was pleased with Merlin's improvement and said that he could leave his bed four times a day for the duration of one hour each time, not to sit around but to keep moving...<p>

Arthur told Merlin, he could get up but not leave the room. There was food and drink on the sideboard so he could have a snack. He wanted him to start moving so that he would soon be ready to go home. He told Gawaine to find something loose and warm for him to wear, as he was still very stiff and would be sore when he moved. Gawaine helped him put on Arthur's dressing gown.

The first time, he tried to walk, was heartbreaking. Merlin's face reflected every torturous movement.

Arthur had never stayed around when his injured knights were cared for and he had no experience with the pain of others. Watching Merlin, gave him a different perspective on life; he saw Merlin's faltering steps to reach the sideboard where Gawaine had set out some food for him. He ate standing!

Merlin once he could get up and walk, insisted that Arthur must have his own bed back. Arthur made a bargain, when Merlin could walk around the room ten times without taking a rest, he would accept his offer. Actually, Merlin never did return to his own bed in the antechamber, as he never progressed that far in his exercise.

Two days later, Rupert, Lancelot and Gawaine sat with Arthur at the table quietly discussing a battle plan. Merlin was by the window, dozing in a chair placed in the sunlight. They knew that it would be unfair to expect him to face Stanley but they wanted Arthur to use Stanley until they solved the riddle of the king.

Arthur didn't want Stanley anywhere near him. He couldn't stomach the idea of him touching him, helping him to dress, after he had seen what he had put Merlin through. The others however, insisted it had to be this way to give them time.

Rupert wasn't for leaving Merlin anywhere near the chamber, if Stanley was to be around. "Arthur, I will take Merlin in my chambers for the duration of our stay."

Suddenly a voice from the dozing Merlin was heard, loud and clear, "But I can visit, when he's not here?"

So much for having a quiet discussion about Stanley in Merlin's presence!

Gawaine offered that if Arthur was agreeable, he would escort Merlin to and from Sir Rupert's to Arthur's chambers, whenever Stanley was not going to be there.

Arthur walked over to Merlin and stood near the window. He said quietly, "You know I would rather have you under my feet the whole time, Merlin." He smiled but then he continued seriously, "I didn't realise how much I missed having you in the way, until you never came back that night. I fell asleep. I waited for you... but... I finally fell asleep. I didn't know that you had been hurt and then, it was time to get up. You weren't in your bed and I really lost it!"

Merlin looked up, "Arthur, it wasn't _your_ fault..."

"Merlin, you would be safer with Rupert, until we get this straightened out."

"But, I'd prefer to be with you."

Arthur tentatively placed his arm across Merlin's shoulders. Merlin neither flinched nor pulled away this time, Arthur continued with a grin, "Merlin, I'm the Crown Prince, you're my dogsbody, remember? We'll do it my way. Right?"

The little smile spreading across Merlin's features grew into the famous grin which in the old days could both annoy and amuse Arthur but today for some silly reason it made his heart skip a beat. The old Merlin was really there again.

Arthur wondered if the worry and fear which he had experienced about Merlin when he was missing; the happiness and relief which he often felt when he saw him again were the same feelings which brothers have for each other. If so, he would have liked to have him as a brother.

"We will keep Stanley on a strict schedule and you will come here, when he's not here. Could you stand that? Three more days and Benedictus said that if we take it easy, we might consider making a start for home."

The others could tell by the look on Merlin's face that whatever Arthur had said to him, the words had hit home.

...and so it was arranged. Rupert would be the overnight care giver; Gawaine would be the transporter; and Lancelot would take over from the others whenever needed.

Arthur was determined to get to the bottom of this puzzle. He did not believe that King Belasord was in any way involved apart from having Stanley on his staff.

Merlin's mentioning that the man hadn't been in the household for too long, led him to believe that this was a setup. He himself was obviously the target maybe to enable Stanley to get into the household at Camelot but who would benefit from that?

He mentioned this to Sir Rupert. His training with Uther had him finely tuned to the running of the kingdom. Arthur laid he cards on the table and asked for his opinion. Rupert concurred that Stanley's plan was probably to insinuate himself into the Camelot household, maybe then facilitating others to do the same.

"But to what avail, as a manservant, he would hardly have any say in the running of the place; he must realise that Merlin's and my relationship is unusual, to say the least. Maybe he thinks that as he is a much better servant than Merlin will ever be..."

Rupert sadly agreed and continued, "... hoping that you will come to depend on him and let things slip that might be beneficial to his cause."

Arthur nodded, he nearly always had Merlin with him the whole time that the knights were discussing policies and battle plans but that was Merlin whom he'd trust with his life.

* * *

><p>Stanley, knocked on Arthur's chamber door and was gruffly granted entry.<p>

"Good evening, Sire. May I lay out your clothes for tonight's dinner?"

Arthur, already feeling sick about the dressing process, nodded off-handedly. He hated having this man near him as he could, only see Merlin when Gawaine had brought him to him, after Stanley's attack.

"... and how is Merlin today? I saw him walking with Gawaine this afternoon. He is looking much better!"

Feeling that he could willingly throttle the man and hating even hearing him saying Merlin's name in such a solicitous manner, Arthur murmured something non-committal about his improvement.

But, Stanley didn't give up that easily. He laid the clothes which Arthur would wear on the bed. He continued to busy himself and nonchalantly asked if Arthur had a second manservant back in Camelot.

'Whose brilliant idea was it to have him retain this man in his employ?' he thought but they had to get to the bottom of this mess. "No," Arthur said, "Merlin is the only one."

"Well, Sire, I am only too willing to offer my services to you in Camelot until Merlin is capable of looking after you."

It took all the strength that Arthur possessed to accept Stanley's offer. "Yes, very well but only until Merlin is capable of resuming the position."

Arthur felt sick hearing himself say these words. They had to solve this problem soon, as he wouldn't put it past Stanley to deliberately hurt Merlin again, to secure a permanent position once they got to Camelot.

He then stood still for a moment to compose his mind and control his body before nodding to Stanley, that he was ready to accept his help in dressing.

He knew it was stupid, but he felt disgusted every time Stanley touched him; having him standing so close to him made him physically sick. He felt by the look on Stanley's face that he was conscious of the fact that his body had recoiled as Stanley reached out to lace the front of his jacket.

He'd get Merlin for making him go through this and then he felt guilt as what Merlin had gone through was ten, no, one hundred times worse. And, it hadn't even been his fault. He knew Stanley had ulterior motives but couldn't place them.

Finally Arthur was ready to leave the chambers to join the others in the Great Hall. "I won't be needing you after the supper, Stanley, you will be free to go once you have finished here."

Arthur marveled that he had the control to speak civilly to the man, really wanting to run him through for what he'd done. Saying his name had left a sour taste in his mouth.

Stanley, with a smile of having accomplished his mission in life, picked up clothes and tidied up Arthur's chambers hoping to further ingratiate himself to the Crown Prince.

His King would be proud of his work.


	14. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER 14 : THROUGH TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS (Part 5 of 5)**

The following morning, no one woke up Arthur and he slept till mid-morning. He was awakened by Merlin arriving from Sir Rupert's with Gawaine. Merlin had opened the door after knocking discreetly, a thing he never did at home. He'd seen Arthur's body in the bed and feared the worse.

He made his way across the room, faster than he had moved in the last week, and threw himself across the bed, crying "Arthur, oh no! Arthur..." He reached out touching his lifeless body and was rewarded with a shove that sent him tumbling to the floor.

"Get off me, Merlin, what are you doing? Get out of the bed. Have you gone crazy?" a groggy Arthur replied.

Merlin relieved to see Arthur alive, if slightly confused, got up grinning.

Gawaine looked at Merlin and started to laugh; it was good to see him practically back to his old impulsive self. Turning to Arthur, with raised eyebrows, he couldn't resist saying, tongue in cheek, "Good way to wake up, Sire, with Merlin in your bed?" Arthur glared at him. Gawaine, shrugging his shoulders, turned to grin at Merlin, before continuing, "Well, he certainly has a knack for doing things on the spur of the moment and straight from the heart."

Arthur was now sitting on the side of the bed, Merlin happy that he was still alive, was hovering nearby. Suddenly, Arthur asked the time. He was told mid-morning. "Then, where in the hell is that fool Stanley?"

The atmosphere in the room changed immediately. Merlin tensed up, while Gawaine's demeanor became serious. Arthur looked accusingly at Gawaine, remembering his threat to kill Merlin's attacker.

Gawaine immediately raised his hands palms facing out, to his shoulders, "Nothing to do with me, Arthur. I promise, never laid a hand on the bastard!"

Arthur made a decision, "Merlin stay with me. Gawaine go find out why he isn't here. Check in with Rupert and Lancelot." Gawaine left at a run.

Merlin once again in manservant mode said, "Arthur, are you ready for something to eat? I can go to the kitchens and..."

"Listen to me for once, Merlin, and do as you are told. You are not leaving this room unattended!"

Merlin was surprised at Arthur's stern voice. He'd only been trying to do his job.

Seeing the down cast look on his face, Arthur continued in a kinder tone, "... I'd rather have you here with me so that..." thinking quickly, he added, "When we get news... you'll be one of the first to know."

Merlin sighed in relief, Arthur wasn't cross, he seemed worried. It wasn't that Arthur had rebuked his offer of help; he just needed him to be here until the others returned. That suited him.

Merlin felt the need to tread softly. He wasn't capable of being a manservant as he really wasn't completely well. He was a little worried that Arthur getting used to a super servant, mightn't need him in his life any more.

Thinking along these lines, Merlin felt icy fingers grip his heart. He couldn't see a life ahead of him without Arthur.

'Imagine working for Gaius and seeing Arthur going by without any acknowledgment. Imagine seeing someone else getting close to him and feeling ostrasised. He'd experienced that... Imagine never fooling around with him again and having a good laugh. ...imagine... losing a friend.

I'd really miss him, miss all the conversations we have and all the crazy situations that we get into. Even miss slogging after him through wet woods and having him yell and complain about my clumsiness.'

Merlin would never acknowledge it to anyone; he really liked this new Arthur who worried and really cared. He'd known that Arthur must have liked him to have kept him on after all the stupid mistakes he was always making; he'd just never realised how much they depended on each other.

He knew that not many princes would have delayed returning home because a manservant had been injured. They would have left him, to make his own way back when he was better but not Arthur and for that Merlin, was really indebted. He wondered what type of reception Arthur would get from Uther when he had to explain the reason for the extended visit.

His reverie was interrupted when food was delivered by a servant, explaining that Sir Rupert had asked that lunch be brought to the prince's chamber.

However, before Arthur could eat, Merlin insisted he must taste everything, just to make sure it wasn't poisoned.

"Come on Merlin, that's not necessary!"

"How do you know?"

"I don't but I haven't had any breakfast and I'm hungry."

"If you don't let me do my job, they might be your _last words_."

Arthur gave up, it would be easier to appease the endearing idiot than challenge him. He had to smile, it was good to be just the two of them with Merlin as usual trying to take control and today, Arthur was happy to let him.

He had missed Merlin's company; capable manservant or not, he lifted his spirits. Arthur had not realised the extent of his feelings until he has seen Gawaine returning with Merlin's battered body. That moment would be forever etched in his mind, as for a few seconds. he had thought that Merlin was dead.

As he walked behind Merlin, he touched his shoulder and Merlin turned and grinned at him. Arthur thought, 'He asks for so little, just the opportunity to be included in whatever I do and a kind word.' He appreciated having him as a friend.

Arthur sat down and smiled across the table at Merlin. He remembered the effort it had been to breathe, as he had taken a look at Merlin after he had been transferred from the litter to his bed. His own mind and body had seemed separate entities fighting against each other unable to cooperate, and let him do more than gasp.

He wanted so much to be home, just Merlin, Rupert, Lancelot and Gawaine, back in Camelot safe and sound.

* * *

><p>Late afternoon, the three knights returned with serious faces. Rupert as senior knight confided to Arthur that Stanley had been found.<p>

Arthur stood up, sick and tired of the whole Stanley incident. He wanted to get Merlin safely to Camelot. He would have to deal with that man again this evening, shivers ran up his spine. He now experienced what Merlin had first realised. How long would this fiasco have to be in effect? He really loathed the idea of taking Stanley back to Camelot; as he acknowledged to himself, he would be bringing evil home!

Merlin listened carefully. He felt that this whole rotten situation was his fault. If he had just ignored Stanley, Arthur would have been none the wiser. He had not been conscious of the perverted actions of the other man. Maybe it had all been in Merlin's mind, then he remembered the question at supper and he knew that he could never have ignored that.

Rupert continued," A body was pulled from the moat earlier this afternoon, and has been identified by castle staff as Stanley's. Gawaine and Lancelot have independently identified it as well."

Merlin sank on Arthur's bed, his head in his hands. He was happy that his problems were over but he didn't wish anyone dead, just removed and kept far away from him...

Arthur looked accusingly at Gawaine, "Did you have anything to do with this?"

The knight shook his head, "I was in the alehouse and Stanley was boasting to anyone who would listen that he had the chance of a lifetime as he was going to Camelot as the manservant to the Crown Prince. Some of the other servants were less than supportive, saying, 'Good riddance to bad rubbish and hard luck on the Prince and Camelot.' Some refused point blank to believe him and he turned nasty. There was a scuffle and they were thrown out by landlord."

"... and tell the truth, Gawaine, were you involved? Arthur insisted.

"Well, he did make some coarse accusations about Merlin so I let him have it. It seems that without his cronies, he isn't that great a fighter and he ran off, chased by at least five other servants. I was lucky as the landlord hadn't picked me out as an instigator and I had another couple of ales, bought for me by grateful staff members and then I left."

Gawaine gave Arthur a look, raisimg his eyebrows and walked over to the window. Arthur checked Merlin who was occupied with Lancelot and Rupert. Gawaine spoke quietly, "From the condition of the body, he was well and truly beaten up...and I swear on Camelot that he was not killed by my punch."

"One day, Gawaine, you'll take it too far..."

"Arthur, you would have hit him too, if you had been there. I wasn't going to let him mouth off like that about Merlin and Camelot."

Gawaine's decision to refer to the kingdom instead of the Prince, forestalled any questions from Arthur that might have embarrassed them both. He also understood, how awful Merlin's first encounter in the Servants' Hall with Stanley must have been; he was proud to know that Merlin had had the backbone to stand up to him. He realised why he always felt safer if Arthur was with Merlin. Strange really, as Arthur was physically superior but there was something about Merlin which intrigued him, something that went really deep.

He'd meant it when he had said that he would kill Stanley but Gawaine was glad he hadn't had to. His reputation was bad enough as it was...

Arthur said, "Thanks for sticking up for Merlin and don't tell him any more than necessary. Rupert says he is no longer having trouble sleeping and I want him well rested before we return home. He'll be in my chambers from now on.

Arthur walked over to join the others at the table, Merlin was eager for more news, so he started to give him an abbreviated version but his head flew up at Gawaine's next words.

"Oh, before I forget, Arthur, Stanley came here after working for Cenred!"

* * *

><p>Gaius had a niggling worry about the extended length of the visit with no message from Merlin to him or from anyone to Uther. He had felt reasonably safe in that, the knights chosen to accompany the Prince were capable.<p>

Rupert, he'd known for years and he'd trust him with his own life, quite confident that he'd look after, not only Arthur but also Merlin if the need should arise.

Lancelot was level headed and trustworthy, capable of making quick decisions.

While Gawaine, Merlin's favourite, was hot headed and impulsive; an excellent swordsman; a trusted friend who would do anything to keep him safe. Gaius had to smile he couldn't think of anything that would stop Gawaine from watching out for Merlin.

Naturally, Arthur if he were safe, was Gaius's first choice to look after him. If Gaius had only known what had happened, he'd have been fit to be tied.

Gaius was furious when Merlin arrived home still bruised and sore; handing him Benedictus's full report of his condition following the attack. Gawaine had explained that Arthur had to see Uther but he would come to Gaius as soon as possible. He explained that the return journey had been slow as Merlin was too sore to ride and spent a lot of time walking. Gaius was visibly upset as he looked at the young man he thought of as a son. As a physician, he checked Merlin carefully and insisted that he notify him if any problems persisted or more arose.

The phrase, 'But what did you _think_ you were doing?' was well used. Merlin had been embarrassingly truthful with Gaius about the insults, ensuing words and then the attack. He was glad that Merlin did not keep anything from him.

Merlin also kept repeating how kind Arthur was to him after Gawaine had found him. Gaius retorted, "I would think so, after what you'd been through for him!"

"But he didn't just leave me there, returning to Camelot without me. He looked after me, I was in his bed and he slept in the antechamber. I could tell he was worried and it was awful... I've never been hurt like that before. When I was really bad, he kept reminding me to get well enough to travel as then you could look after me... You know Gaius, Benedictus was really kind but I wanted you...There isn't anyone else I would have wanted to be looking after me."

Merlin, a smile lighting up his face, turned to look at Gaius. He was enveloped in a hug.

* * *

><p>Uther's comments on Merlin's assault had been a non-committal, "He's only a servant, why are you making a big deal about a few bruises? You should have left him there."<p>

Arthur once again, heard himself saying, "But Father, it was Merlin, and it was more than a few bruises! He saw the look of anger on his father's face and added, "Sire!"

He prayed that as a ruler, he would always value people more than their positions in life. Being around Merlin, Arthur had come see a kingdom as a unit comprised of its inhabitants from king to knights to servants and villagers...

Uther continued by waving his son out of his presence, "If you are going to be so silly about one servant, I hope I live long enough, for you to mature before handing over the reins of Camelot! I can imagine, how the knights who accompanied you must have felt about your stupid behavior. Go, I've heard enough of this silliness!"

Later in the day, when time permitted a crestfallen Arthur appeared at Gaius's door. He knew Prince or no Prince; he was going to face the music.

Gaius had a long man-to-man talk with Arthur about his lack of judgment. He might consider Merlin, technically to only be his servant but he deserved that Arthur be responsible for him in that capacity. He only hoped that as he matured Arthur would be able to understand not only his rights as a ruler but also his responsibilities to his people.

Arthur was subdued and apologetic, "We were frightened, Gaius. Merlin was in so much agony and so brave. I felt sick about his pain and I never want to be guilty of causing him any suffering again."

Gaius said, "Mind you don't! Merlin is special. He is devoted to you and because of him, you, Arthur are a better human being..."

Gaius paused continuing with a smile, "It's not all bad, as Merlin told me how wonderful the four of you were when he was so ill. He couldn't stop talking about you. I think your care was the catalyst that saw him through the worst of it. Thank you for being a good friend to him, I'm proud of you."

Gaius put his arms around Arthur and gave him a hug. Arthur felt his eyes brimming.

'Why was hugging so easy for some people and so difficult for him?'

Arthur turned and went up the little flight of stairs to check on his manservant.


	15. Chapter 15

**CHAPTER 15 : ALONG CORRIDORS AND STAIRWELLS**

Merlin was wandering the halls, late one night. He had to be careful to keep out of Uther's way. He was amused that he had safe haven in a castle, only if he stayed hidden, as the ruler hated his guts. The king had not set eyes on him since that disastrous meeting in Arthur's chambers when Uther had threatened him. He had thankfully, managed all this time to keep a very low profile.

Merlin had been in hiding since Arthur had died. Mostly staying within Gaius's chambers, he had no desire for the longest time to leave. Recently, feeling braver, he had taken to wandering at night in their wing of the castle. The chances of meeting Uther were slim but he had to be careful. He had no love for Uther, who as far as Merlin was concerned had two major counts against him; first his insensitivity towards his son, as he lay dying and secondly, his non-acceptance of magic.

* * *

><p>On his travels, at night Merlin was conscious of other people not asleep in the castle. He would see various adults, hurrying along with intense looks on their faces. None of them acknowledged his presence either n the corridors or on the stairs.<p>

Once he saw hushed people clustering around a chamber door, all with long faces and he heard an adult weeping in sorrow, cry out, "Take it away! I don't want to see it. Get it out of my sight!"

A tall man in tears came out a chamber cuddling a tiny mewling baby, saying, "Shh! Little baby, don't cry. You're safe. I promise that I'll never let anybody hurt you!"

That upset Merlin but other encounters were happier. The most interesting to him were the children. He was often accompanied by two young boys. They played and chased each other up and down the stairs and in and out of various chambers. Sometimes, there was a nursemaid following them, bustling along. He was surprised that their mother allowed them free rein of the castle at night.

Another night, he heard crying, he looked up and saw a blond haired boy, maybe ten years old, wandering around calling out, "Where are you? Where did you go? Don't hide on me...please!"

Once, he saw the tall man with dark hair again; he looked familiar but he couldn't place him. A little toddler was running to him and the man swept him up in the air and the boy said, " Again, Guy-Guy, again!"

Early one morning, just as dawn was beginning to lighten the sky over Camelot, Merlin was seated in an open doorway on the battlements. A young boy walked up the stairs and stopped when he was eye level with him. He put out his hand and said matter-of-factly, "Hello, Merlin, I'm Arthur. You and I are going to be friends one day!"

Merlin was upset but not afraid, so he shook the boy's hand and smiled, "I know... We are best friends, I will always remember that, Arthur!"

None of the other night people had ever talked to him but he was touched that it was Arthur who had made that special effort. His love for him as that little boy surged into his heart. Suddenly, Merlin realised these were memories belonging to the castle not him. The baby and young child must have been Arthur and the man of course, was Gaius. No father, just Gaius! That explained Arthur's relationship with Gaius and his usual obedience to anything which he said.

The next day he mentioned these visions, as that is what he decided they must have been, to Gaius.

Gaius listened and said, "I took the newborn Arthur away from the bedchamber into my own quarters so he would be safe. The king was inconsolable and had threatened the baby when his wife had died. Arthur stayed with me for three months, a village woman coming in to feed him."

Gaius smiled, Merlin could see that he was reliving the memories. He continued, "Finally, Uther wanted the baby to be with the castle staff and I had to relinquish him but as court physician, I always had access to him."

Gaius told him that as a toddler, Arthur loved his chambers and would happily play on the floor when his nursemaid had other chores. With a sob in his voice, Gaius confided, "I loved that little boy!"

Merlin put his arm around his shoulder and held him...

* * *

><p>After a few weeks of night expeditions, Gaius decided to send Merlin during the day, on an errand to Geoffrey in the castle library. He felt that the difference of scenery might be beneficial as would the quiet atmosphere of the library for his first daytime outing. Merlin liked Geoffrey. he had seen him frequently since Arthur's death; so he happily agreed to make his way there.<p>

Lancelot had alerted the knights that Merlin might be around. When they met him, they nodded not drawing any more attention to him than was necessary. Most of them felt kindly towards him and were vigilant; as they had at one time been of their 'beloved prince', now they would protect his friend.

Worried and a little stressed, Merlin had left Gaius's. He walked into the corridor, keeping his eyes down. He dreaded meeting anyone. Someone approached him but passed him by without seeming to notice him. The castle staff were around, busy and surely he would bump into one of them whom he knew but he reached the first flight of stairs with no problems. His mind was jumpy but he controlled the impulse to run back to safety and tried to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and stepping along the flagstones avoiding the cracks...

He was beginning to feel confident when he heard footsteps behind him. There was a momentary thought that it might be Arthur but he stifled his emotions and concentrated on walking. Funny really, as eight months ago, he used to fly through these same corridors without a thought in his mind. Now, it seemed a treacherous path. The boots were getting closer, Merlin moved to the wall for protection as he heard a voice and turned. His face relaxed as Sir Leon said, "Merlin, great to see you up and around!" before continuing on his way.

Merlin thought, 'One down and how many to go?' Meeting Leon, had given him a slight boost of confidence, so he left the wall and walked down the centre of the flight of stairs to the Library.

The place was deserted, only Geoffrey at his desk, raising his head and saying matter-of-factly, "Ah, Merlin. Come to get Gaius's books?" He stood giving Merlin a list of books and motioned for him to go and look for them.

Why did he feel that this whole exercise had been set up by Gaius? Geoffrey hadn't been surprised to see him and why weren't the books already on the front table? Shrugging, he made his way through the archives searching for each and every book. He had the Library to himself. He remembered the times he had come here to find books on magic and felt immediately at ease.

Time passed and he soon had all books but one. He returned to Geoffrey and told him what he needed. Geoffrey found it on his desk, handing it to him. He thanked him, said goodbye and left.

As soon as he reached the main corridor, his heart was racing again. He not only had to concentrate on walking but also hanging onto five books. Not the easiest thing to do in his state of mind. Slowly he retraced his steps from the morning and only had to pass three people, two servants and a squire who nodded at him.

He was almost home, when he heard someone call his name, he froze but when the voice called again he recognized it as Gwen's. She bustled up, put her arm in his, took two of the books and chatted away until they reached Gaius's door.

He walked in and plunked all five books on the table. He sat down...he'd done it! He'd gone out during the daytime into the castle; he'd walked past people and not really panicked. His legs hadn't collapsed, he hadn't got lost and better than anything he'd returned safely.

Gaius walked in and smiled, "Got there and back safely, I see? That was a big step forward, Merlin!" he said as he passed the table patting him on the head.

Deep down, Gaius was always worried when Merlin was out of his sight that he might meet Uther and be unable to control himself. Now was neither the time nor the place for that encounter.

It wasn't until he was in bed falling asleep, that Merlin questioned what Sir Leon was doing in that corridor, why hadn't Geoffrey been surprised to see him and was it really coincidental that Gwen was wandering their wing, late morning?

A smile spread across his face... He sighed... 'Gaius, his Guardian Angel, at work!' His eyelids got heavy and he drifted away...

* * *

><p>However, the best laid plans can go awry. One morning Merlin was in a hurry to get to the kitchen. It was safe to go there by the back stairs as the king never descended onto that level, Merlin became distracted; he was miles away and as he came up to the second floor, he automatically turned right without thinking.<p>

Merlin didn't realise that he was subconsciously retracing his steps to Arthur's chambers but as he hit the top of the next flight of stairs, he realised where he was and panicked. He stood against the wall shuddering. His mind shut down and for all intents and purposes, he was gone. He stayed still for what seemed like hours before backing eyes closed, along the wall.

And that was where Lancelot had found him, slumped against the wall, teetering at the top of a flight of stone steps. Merlin felt someone put his arms around him and call his name. For a full second, he thought it might be Arthur come to save him but he opened his eyes to find a familiar face as Lancelot looked kindly at him. He'd been lost and scared. Lancelot recognized that panicked look in his eyes and told him that he was on his way to Gaius's so maybe Merlin would like to accompany him. He tucked Merlin's arm into his and they slowly made their way back.

Merlin knew Lancelot didn't need to visit Gaius but appreciated his concern as he was feeling slightly numb.

Gaius recognised trouble as soon as he saw his eyes. Lancelot sat him down and the exhausted. Merlin dropped his head onto the table, weeping. Lancelot told Gaius the location and the condition in which he had found him. Gaius shook his head, Merlin wasn't ready yet and his body had told him he wasn't.

As a physician Gaius felt guilty, he had failed, as he should have taken Merlin's return to the outside world slower

* * *

><p>Later that evening as they had supper, Merlin asked, "What happened to me today, Gaius?"<p>

Gaius explained that Arthur had had that room since he was ten and memories and intense feelings did not fade immediately. He confided, "Just as the courtyard in Camelot will never be cleansed of the spirits of all the innocents killed here."

Gaius reached over and took Merlin's hand in his, holding it to guarantee that he was paying attention. He continued, "Death is not the lone reason for the feelings. Your intensity for caring and loving him is also present. Your dreams and the future plans you and Arthur had made, were crushed but they still reverberate in your mind.

You are still very sensitive to Arthur's death," he persisted. "You were conscious of the feelings which had permeated the walls. They fade overtime and one day, you will be less aware of them, not _less caring_ for those memories but less aware. They will not invade your mind uninvited only when, if you are open to them, you encourage them."

Merlin smiled briefly, "...as a gift during happy times but during times of sadness, a burden."

Gaius watched as a lone tear rolled down Merlin's cheek. He reached unsuccessfully to wipe it away but it escaped his fingers and plopped into his stew. Gaius smiled and Merlin giggled for the first time since Arthur's death.

He looked at Gaius, a sad little smile touched his lips as he said, "Arthur always said that I was such a girl..."

Gaius could not have loved Merlin more that if he had been his own son...


	16. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER 16 : ****FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER**

One day, Gaius told Merlin that if there was anything he wished to say to Arthur, not to wait till the end. He suggested, "Say it, while he is able to hear what you say and understand what you mean. You'll have your whole life to regret, not saying what you wished you had."

* * *

><p>It was mid-afternoon, Arthur was resting, Merlin was sitting beside him, watching him sleep<p>

Quietly, the door to the antechamber opened, the room glowed, as a blonde boy walked into the bedchamber. He seemed quite at home. He walked over to where Merlin sat, stopping so that their blue eyes were level. He leaned against Merlin's knees and said in a quiet voice, "Tell me now, Merlin. Tell me what I need to hear!" He picked up Merlin's hand and gave it a little kiss. He turned to leave, looking over his shoulder, giving Merlin a smile as he went through the door. The room darkened slightly.

Merlin made a decision and took a deep breath.

Now was the time.

Arthur had opened his eyes and was stretching, still warm and befuddled from sleep. He turned saw Merlin sitting, watching him and smiled. Merlin suddenly knew that this was, the moment he had been waiting for. He smiled nervously, it was to be now or never. He knew that if he let this opportunity pass, he would never have the courage to speak out. It would get more difficult each time he put it off. He thought to himself, 'I hope that Gaius knows what he is taking about...'

... so, he took a steadying breath and said, "Arthur, do you feel like talking?"

"You know, Merlin, anything you have to say is usually so ridiculous, that yes, I feel like listening! Talk away!" He yawned and pulled himself up on his pillows.

He looked at Arthur and couldn't do it, his throat constricted as if the words were massive. He remembered Gaius's instructions and understood that he had to...

Speak now or forever let Arthur go...

...go without confessing the feelings which had kept him, as his servant in Camelot all these years.

He looked directly at Arthur Pendragon, the Crown Prince of Camelot, his terminally ill friend and spoke just above a whisper, his voice becoming serious with a slight tremor. "You've been my life for many years; everything that I have done, it's been for you. I've lived for your smile but I'd take any insult rather than have you ignore me."

He paused, dropped his head slightly and continued. "Anyone watching from the outside, would not realise the depth of your support. I know that I will be able to cope with the many difficulties that life throws my way because of your example."

He shifted uncomfortably. "You were there when I was ready to give up; you helped me become the person I am. I am not a strong leader like you, Arthur, but with you, I had the confidence needed to attempt things which I never would have considered."

Arthur looked at the serious face. Hearing the quiet voice, he was uncomfortable and didn't like this sad Merlin. So, he softly remarked, "...and messed up on many of them, eh, Merlin?"

Merlin's head came up, he glanced straight ahead, without making eye contact, saying, "Arthur, this may sound really silly, but I realise that ..."

Arthur felt light headed, giddy even, for he suddenly thought he knew, where his friend might be heading.

Seconds felt like hours and then Merlin finally found the courage to whisper, "I love you..."

He blushed, as only Merlin could, dropping his face into his hands, waiting for the indignant roar or the cuff that might be coming.

Arthur's heart turned over, he whispered to himself, 'Finally, Merlin...' He only wished that he had been brave enough to broach the subject years ago but if Merlin had walked out on him, he couldn't have survived.

Merlin felt stupid! Why had he listened to Gaius, maybe things this personal were never meant to be voiced. He was now worried that he had finally overstepped the bond of their friendship and was going to be rejected. Suddenly, he realised that at this point in Arthur's life, he couldn't be torn away from him. He'd do anything, swear that he had been joking, anything so that they would not be separated.

He waited afraid to breathe...

...no yelling, no tutting, nothing from the prince.

Arthur, his eyes brimming, turned and looked at the bowed head, and quietly said, "Merlin...many times, you alone have made my life here bearable. I used to wait each morning until you arrived, usually late, and then I could face the day because I knew you were around.

Merlin, I chose to have _you_ by my side all day." With a little smile, he paused, saying, "...or if you were being an idiot, banish you to the stables.

You even made hunting trips more fun as the more you complained about helpless rabbits and deer, the more I liked to tease you.

I couldn't help when you were following us on foot, calling a break and then when you caught up, telling everyone that, we were ready to mount up and move on again. Waiting, listening carefully to hear any of your choice comments..." He glanced in Merlin's direction but his face was still in his hands.

"I loved seeing you, control your temper when we were in company because I had said or insinuated that you were completely useless. Let's face it, even the knights would wait with bated breath for your reaction.

I could see your mind planning revenge; it was always interesting to figure out, whether it was going to be cool bath water or no clean clothes.

Would you make a retort in front of someone and then I would have to do the princely thing and publicly chastise you? Or, would you be able to control yourself until we were alone; then share with me your opinion of my behaviour, with your questionable choice of unsuitable words?"

He wanted Merlin to be looking at him, challenging him as he usually did so he slid over in the bed towards him. "Merlin, please look at me!" he said before continuing. The head raised slightly but there was no eye contact. "With you around, it's like a continual adventure, a battle of wills with both combatants equal. I know that if you are at my side, I am safe. I can't remember the number of times, I breathed a sigh of relief to see you still standing after an ambush. Heavens, I would never have been able to face Gaius again if, due to my incompetence something bad had happened to you!"

He paused allowing time for Merlin to react.

Nothing!

No sign that he was even listening, yet Arthur knew that he was!

No smiling, no ducking his head, no being cheeky, no back talking...

It was as if there were a stranger sitting there...

A little unsure of himself, Arthur tentatively continued... "You can read me and know what I need to hear, a joke, one of your unnecessary criticisms or really surprise me with that knowledge of yours."

Merlin still wasn't looking at him, so he took a deep breath and confessed, "I needed you beside me, to make me a human being as well as a prince. You taught me to value all people. You helped me accept that while my father was proud of me, he never really loved me; he just wanted a son, an heir...

_not_ _me, _Arthur... any son would have done."

There was a pause, Arthur sadly realising, that he had acknowledged the truth about his relationship with Uther. He lost control of his voice but finally regained it, all the time watching Merlin carefully.

Had his body relaxed?

Arthur decided it had, so he kept on, "Gaius over the years has tried so hard, he bridged the gap between counselor and mother. Being raised by paid servants, was not correct; physically I thrived but emotionally I was inadequate. My family life was non-existent; then you arrived into my life as an annoying off shoot of Gaius. You and he, are the closest I'll ever have to a family.

Merlin had yet to look at him.

Arthur, a sad yet hopeful suspicion of a smile on his face, reached over to the chair, where Merlin was, to take his hand, "If I had known what was to come, I'd have made it clear; smiled more often and told you how I felt having you with me through the good times and the bad.

Merlin looked up, trying to wipe away his tears, he sniffed saying, "It's not too late...we still have time."

But Arthur was not finished as he continued, "I could not have asked for a better friend, I always knew that we were special. You were me but with a kinder, more truthful soul. We were meant to complete each other, and without you, I would only be half of myself. I think I've loved you since you first stood up to me and treated me like a person, me Arthur, not me the prince."

He stopped and waited for Merlin to acknowledge him again.

He had just laid his life on the line. He had done for Merlin something which he had never done in his life; he had opened his heart to him.

He had bared his soul to him.

He had spoken the truth until it hurt.

He thought, 'Merlin, please do or say something. I can't wait any longer.'

Finally, Merlin hesitantly looked deeply into his eyes, deeper than his heart, right down to his soul. Tears were now tumbling, one after another down Arthur's cheeks.

Merlin's whole body ached and he moved and sat on the bed.

Arthur leaned over, touched his hair, trailed his finger down his forehead, to the bridge of his nose, to his lips. His finger lingered on Merlin's lower lip and then down to his chin. He hooked his finger gently under his chin and turned his head towards him and said simply, "The truth is, that if I had to choose one person in the world to love, hands down, it's you!" Overcome by his feelings, he could only whisper, "Merlin, I love you..."

He was now emotionally drained and leaned his head onto Merlin's chest. Sobbing, Arthur realised that had he waited too long for this... now there would scarcely be enough time for them.

Merlin held him in his arms, he nestled his head into Arthur's neck, whispering into his ear very gently, "...from now until forever..." his thumb making little circles on Arthur's head...

... he held him, until the sobbing stopped and even longer until he fell into an exhausted sleep. Carefully, he laid Arthur back onto his pillows and kissed him for the first time... "Love you, Arthur...for ever and ever," he whispered gently.

* * *

><p>Gaius had been right! He felt that he could better face the impending loss of his friend having been truthful with him.<p>

No regrets. Arthur hadn't laughed at him or thrown a pillow, he just acknowledged that he felt the same...


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17 : RUN RABBIT RUN

Merlin was standing on the back ramparts of the castle. He had a view of the servants' entries and the kitchen forecourt always a busy place but even more so today as the hunters' returned with their kills. Each carcass was assessed by the Game Butcher and Head Cook, the servants then directed to store it where ordered; the meat locker, the smokehouse or directly to the kitchen for this evening's celebrations. The kitchens dealt with venison, boar, as well as some beef and mutton from Home Farm.

Meat was hung in a stone tower to cure, enabling the meat to age becoming more flavourful and tender; aged meat appealing more to the court than fresh. Fowl and game were also hung as Merlin remembered exploring all the various safes with Arthur.

What a difference from the way he was bought up! What you caught you ate, period!

Merlin was daydreaming as he remembered one of Arthur's last hunts...

* * *

><p>There was great excitement in the castle, tomorrow was the Big Hunt. Game was going to be brought into the meat safes and lockers. Young and old had been commissioned as beaters for birds, such a pheasant and partridge.<p>

Merlin had noticed that Arthur had been quiet about his participation in the hunt. Usually, he was raring to go, but he had recently had another set back and Merlin felt that this was on his mind.

The previous day, Merlin had questioned his participation but Arthur had been testy and non-committal, "Go away, you're annoying me! Go bother Gaius, you're not needed here!

Merlin withdrew, mentioning it to Gaius who had misgivings about Arthur's going. He was not physically strong enough to tramp through the woods for hours and his lack of energy would be marked by those in attendance.

Arthur had spent a good part of that day sitting in the window reading and watching the world go by. Merlin unobtrusively checking on him until he came to help him dress for a pre-hunt supper in the Dining Hall. Noticing as he served him that he was quiet during the meal, yet seemed to be interested in his food and did take part in the conversation about the upcoming hunt.

Just before settling him for the night, Merlin again brought up the question of the Hunt. "Arthur, do you intend to hunt tomorrow?" He felt more than, slightly guilty, pushing the matter but it had to be decided. As, if he were going, Merlin needed to be up at the crack of dawn, something he despised and usually failed at, even with Gaius trying to rouse him...

He had when Arthur was unwell, been staying overnight in the antechamber but as he was now feeling somewhat better; he'd given him his privacy; not that he had asked but Merlin had chosen to move back to his old room at Gaius's.

Arthur had said that it would be alright for him to stay but Merlin felt that it would be better, if his manservant wasn't breathing down his neck. The time would come, no doubt, when he would need to be with him the whole time. For now, however Merlin felt that Arthur needed his own space and the opportunity to feel independent, without his watching him like a hawk.

No response from the prince regarding the hunting, so Merlin cautiously asked, "Should I lay out your clothes for tomorrow?"

"What do you think, Merlin? Should I go out and make a fool of myself?" Came the acid reply accompanied by raised eyebrows but this time Merlin realised, he wasn't trying to be funny. "Honestly, you surprise me when you can't see something, that's staring you in the face!" His voice broke momentarily, "Merlin, truthfully, do you see me being able to keep up with the likes of Lancelot and Leon?"

"They'd wait for you Arthur, I know they would..." Merlin realised as the words came tumbling out of his mouth that he had just answered Arthur's question by confirming his worst fears... How could he have been so stupid? How hadn't he realised that that was exactly what had been worrying Arthur? He could have kicked himself...

Arthur turned to look at him. Merlin could see a range of emotions, partially hidden in his eyes; exasperation, sorrow and a smoldering hatred for his current weakened condition. Worse was the look of hurt as he felt that Merlin didn't really understand what he was facing.

Merlin felt sick, it hurt so much to see his friend like this. Right then and there, thank God, he had a brainwave, "Arthur, you know what I think you should do?"

Arthur rolled his eyes to the ceiling, he was close to losing his patience. He sighed, "Go ahead. I can't wait for another one of your idiotic ideas!"

Merlin grinned, not in the least perturbed by Arthur's now expected, negative opinion of his usually scathingly brilliant plans. "No, Arthur, honestly this will make sense."

Arthur, somewhat interested in his manservant's possible solution, nodded, "OK, I'm waiting..."

Pausing to make sure that he had the prince's full attention, he continued, "Uther will not be hunting, will he?"

Arthur shook his head.

"Well..."

"Merlin, spit it out..." Arthur couldn't stand this slow presentation. "Let's get it over and done with so that I can once again have a laugh and plan some extra chores for you to do, for wasting my time with your stupid notions."

So, Merlin explained his plan...

Arthur listened. It almost made sense. He'd be seen to support the hunt but not to his disadvantage.

Suitable clothes were laid out and Merlin made sure that Arthur was in bed, before promising to be in his chambers bright and early the next morning.

To which Arthur remarked, "Well, that will be a first, won't it, Merlin?"

Merlin grinned to apologize in advance for his probable late arrival...

The plan was simple. Arthur would stand beside his father on the balcony as Uther greeted the hunters. They would both, wish them God Speed and Safe Hunting. Arthur would be seen to be involved.

Later in the day, when the hunters returned to the kitchen forecourt, Arthur would be there to welcome them home and marvel at their productive day as eviscerated deer and boar carcasses would be brought in on pack ponies, while fowl and smaller game would be carried in.

He would later in the evening, join the returning hunters in the Great Hall for the Hunting Day Feast. The kitchen staff having been busy for the last couple of days preparing the meal.

It was not ideal but it might well work...

Merlin stood beside him on the balcony; noticing the look of yearning tempered with sadness, on Arthur's face as Lancelot and Leon led the hunters out of the courtyard.

* * *

><p>As Arthur's health slowly improved, Merlin decided that maybe, they should go hunting. He ran it by Gaius who agreed that it would be good for his morale but it must be a low key event.<p>

He missed his former jaunts into the woods, so Arthur was pleased with the idea. Merlin hoped that the day chosen would be warm and sunny. He just wouldn't envision that a day which he had arranged would be rainy. He hated being wet, nothing worse than damp feet and water dripping on him from tree branches.

The hunting party would consist of Arthur and Lancelot as Gaius had insisted upon his being there, Merlin and Tom with a pack horse.

Arthur spent the day before, regaling him with stories of past hunts and memories. It did Merlin good to see him like this; he hadn't seen Arthur as excited for a long time.

It was to be an overnight trip as Gaius had recommended to Arthur that he should break early the first day, have a relaxing night in one of the hunting lodges scattered through the forests; resuming the hunt the following morning, returning to Camelot mid afternoon. Not surprisingly Arthur accepted the recommendation and Merlin was left to order food from the kitchens for two days.

Gaius had also taken Lancelot on one side and ordered him that if anything happened to Arthur, it would become _his_ duty to take the immediate decision to return to Camelot.

Mid-morning, the little group left the stable yard; Arthur and Lancelot leading with Merlin and Tom following, the little packhorse laden with the necessities of an overnight trip tagging along behind...

After the first stop to water the horses and take a little refreshment, the order had shifted as Merlin's horse had claimed its rightful place next to Arthur's. It was now a standing joke and Arthur just shrugged his shoulders, smiling at Merlin. Lancelot, not the least bit put out, happily rode with Tom.

God was smiling on them, as their first foray on foot into the forest, yielded three braces of pheasant, two of partridges and four rabbits. They continued on their way, reaching the lodge by mid-afternoon. Merlin and Tom stayed to set it up for the night. They filled up vessels with water from the nearby stream, and skinned the rabbits. There would be rabbit for supper as well as whatever the kitchens had packed.

Arthur and Lancelot went off looking for tracks of deer or boar. They came back pleased and it was agreed that the following dawn, they would hunt.

Dusk fell quickly but the lodge was warm. The food had been excellent and everyone was ready to turn in. Merlin had laid fir tree boughs on the rough cots. Bedrolls on top of this would make sure that they would, especially Arthur, be comfortable and enable everyone to get a good night's sleep.

Dawn came, breakfast eaten and Arthur, Lancelot and Merlin went into the forest. There was a lot of standing around in silence but finally a handsome stag came across the clearing. It stopped, head raised giving Arthur a perfect heart shot. The arrow found its mark and the stag dropped. Merlin had never seen two happier hunters, Lancelot thrilled for Arthur and Arthur satisfied that he had proven himself still capable.

Merlin and Lancelot hoisted the deer up on a low tree branch, gutting it. Merlin thanking God, for the animal that was representative of much more than meat for the larder.

It was still early and they continued hunting. They found the tracks of a boar and creeping around a stand of trees, they saw it in a thicket. Arthur motioned that Lancelot should take it, once again an arrow found its mark. They were pleasantly surprised at the size of the animal. Merlin left Arthur and Lancelot to gut it and returned to the lodge for the pack horse. They soon realised that it could not carry both carcasses so Lancelot and Merlin dragged the deer closer to the lodge and Arthur went to get Tom's horse to become a second packhorse. Tom would ride double with Merlin.

Tom had cleaned up the lodge in their absence and had all bedrolls and extra food ready to be loaded. He was a reliable worker and after the Sertium incident was often used by the knights as their choice of groom for trips.

The horses were saddled, the packhorses loaded and the hunting party meandered slowly back to Camelot.

Merlin noticed that although they had departed from the stables, they arrived in the main courtyard with Uther and Gaius both being there to welcome them and congratulate Arthur on the successful hunt. Lancelot took the horses to the stables while Tom and Merlin led the two heavily laden packhorses to the kitchen yard to be greeted by the butcher.

Arthur's success had a good effect on him as he once again chose to dine with his father, Gaius, and Lancelot. Merlin served and occasionally grinned back at Arthur when he caught his eye. His plan had worked, Arthur was feeling more like his old self again.

Arthur wanted to turn in early as these two days, although exhilarating had taken a lot out of him.

Merlin helped him change and get ready for bed.

"You know, Merlin?" Arthur yawned, sitting on the edge of the bed, "I must say that was a pretty good plan of yours. Mind you, I would have come up with it, if you hadn't!"

"Arthur, sometimes you're a royal pain in the butt!" Merlin was prepared and dodged the flying boot.

"Merlin, you really shouldn't say things like that to me," Arthur laughed.

"Well, you say all sorts of things to me!" Merlin came back.

"And who's the Prince?" Arthur reminded him.

"Well, if you don't know, how should I?"

'One point for me,' Merlin thought, as he noticed Arthur's look of unquestionable surprise at such a mind boggling retort.

"That's it, Merlin, Good Night!" He paused... continuing quietly with a catch in his voice... "You know, Merlin, I honestly don't know what I'd do without you?"

Merlin didn't say anything, he just dropped his head so Arthur couldn't see the threatening tears, retrieved the boot and continued tidying up the prince's bedchamber.


	18. Chapter 18

**CHAPTER 18 : THE FEAST OF AVALON **

The trees were looking dusty, the leaves curled, ready to fall. The creeper in Gaius's courtyard had already turned a brilliant red. There was a briskness in the early mornings and birds were gathering to fly south.

The Autumnal Equinox was here, also known as Harvest Home and the Feast of Avalon. The harvesting would be done and the crops brought in. All livestock, not wintering over would be slaughtered. With a castle the size of Camelot, many mouths would need to be fed over the winter. The granaries would be filled, the cellars packed with root vegetables and meat dried or smoked.

* * *

><p>Merlin had always enjoyed the festivities of this holiday. This year he dreaded them. Any pleasure shown by him would be forced and unnatural. He was already beginning to feel uncomfortable and wary of the upcoming days.<p>

Harvest Home had been good times spent with the knights and the royal household, but not this year...

Arthur's birthday had often coincided with this feast but after years of enjoyment, it was going to be sad. Another empty day, devoted to sorrow and unhappiness. Merlin hated himself being so negative and feeling this way. He was conscious of premonitions in his present state of mind. He wanted to force himself to act happily but he knew himself too well, that wasn't going to happen.

Gaius was prepared, he had noticed the return of moodiness and mind wandering. Merlin was not ready for Arthur's birthday, the first one following his death. How could he be expected to feel anything but heavyhearted? He had hoped that the last two months of comparative good spirits would help Merlin get through it without a descent into mind-shattering sadness. However, his grieving was still too raw and more time was needed. Gaius felt that Merlin wasn't going to fare well over the next few days.

Merlin tried to think positively, he knew that he was capable of surviving this day without Arthur. He had to. Hadn't he now survived three months without him?

Uther in his usual unthinking manner, had decided this year to celebrate the Feast of Avalon. Merlin could only think of the king's decision last year that resulted in the private birthday celebration which had actually turned out for the better and then his own run in that night, big time, with the king.

Gaius planned to keep Merlin busy during the harvest as an occupied mind had less time to wallow in despair. They would tidy and clean the medication and herbal shelves. They might even tackle the leech tank; maybe even re-shelve all his books. They would have good meals and plenty of time to talk which Merlin needed and Gaius enjoyed. Hopefully no emergency would arrive that would necessitate leaving Merlin unsupervised. He needed company whether he wanted it or not.

Gaius had been really surprised that Arthur's death had had such a disastrous effect on Merlin's mental health. He had known that he was tired and sad but he seemed to cope admirably with Arthur. Second guessing, brought Gaius to the realisation that maybe he should have insisted that over the last couple of months, the nursing care be shared. He had suggested it but Merlin looked as if he had been slapped. Didn't Gaius think he was trustworthy and capable? Gaius knew that not only was he trustworthy and capable but he was, who _Arthur_ _needed_, looking after him.

When Gaius had walked into the death room, he had found the Merlin he had expected, broken hearted, sad and lost. It was not until he put his arms around him, had he realised more time had passed between Arthur's dying and his arrival in the bedchamber. His worst fears were realised he knew that Merlin had had a breakdown and would be facing months of recuperation. Would he be strong enough to supervise Merlin's recovery? God, he hoped so!

Even thinking of leaving Gaius's chambers, was horrendous. He'd start shaking, lose all concept of time and finally black out mentally. He'd come to, to find himself on his bed covered with Arthur's blanket. Later he found out it was Gaius with the help of Leon or Lancelot who got him up the stairs to his room.

Waking up was awful. For a couple of seconds, the sun and the birds lulled him into believing that everything was wonderful. Then starting from the edges of his sight, a black curtain would slide across his view. If he stayed still and just accepted it, he would be more relaxed than trying to fight it, but he had to, he didn't want to spend the next year in a cocoon of darkness. He wanted to clear his mind and step up to face the facts of his life. Sad and horrendous as they might be...he wanted to think about his friend Arthur.

He felt that he didn't need someone to hold his hand more likely someone to cover his back but then he'd realised that the opposite was probably true. At this point in time, he did need someone to hold his hand...

He wanted to see his mother. He knew that there was no way he could leave to go to Ealdor. He was too frightened to face people. The very idea of being with strangers almost sent him over the edge. He cringed even thinking about it. He knew when he was well that the fear was un-called for but if he was balancing precariously on the edge of sadness, he became petrified.

Merlin wasn't stupid, no matter how often Arthur kidded him, it was a joke between them. Just thinking about Arthur hurt so much. He'd love to hear his voice saying 'Merlin', just one more time...

He didn't want to think of celebrations being held in Camelot, Arthur had been dead only three months. It was still so fresh and raw in his mind and it hurt him to realise that the same couldn't be said for everyone. He asked Gaius, "Have people forgotten him already?

Gaius said, "People are not callous. Life goes on and once the shock of Arthur's death had passed and their lives continued with all their own problems and responsibilities, they put less emphasis on his death."

Checking Merlin, to see if he was processing what he was saying, without slipping away to wherever he went when he couldn't face reality. He saw that he was still with him.

He continued, "They don't miss him any less. At times, he's very prominent in their consciousness but not all day every day. That feeling is reserved for the people who loved him so much that he will never be out of their minds. Merlin, you are one of those people. He will be with you always, forever. Sometimes close enough that you feel you can touch him, other times just beyond your mind, almost waiting for you to let him in."

Merlin's face crumpled, "Gaius, you must feel that way too because how else do you know, that is the way I feel..."

Gaius smiled, "I do, Merlin, I knew him for so long.

But, I could see, he was never happier than when you were tagging along with him. He had that look on his face that he wanted everyone to see that _you_, Merlin had chosen to be with him. He was so proud of your friendship. He didn't want to die and leave you anymore that you wanted him to go. But life has its own rules and we may rile and fight against them but in the end we can only accept them.

The last thing Arthur would ever want, would be for you to remain forever sad. Instead, he'd want you to try to do what he would have chosen for you; that you would let your mind finally and quietly accept all that has happened. That one day, you would remember your time together, special memories that only you and he shared. That you would laugh and possibly cry but nonetheless, be able to accept yourself as the person he unquestionably loved.

But Merlin interrupted, panic crossing his features, "I can't...I can't do that yet...it hurts so much. Even at the end, we were happy together but that happiness never reaches my mind. I try to think about it but it changes into blackness and causes me to run away, to try to escape, to shut down and hide somewhere in the darkness of my head. "

Gaius watched carefully, Merlin was slipping away from him again. However, he took a breath and continued. "What is wrong with me? I hate being here without him and everyday is so lonely and sad. Gaius, will I ever be able to let him come into my mind without these awful feelings? He's not sad, it's me, I'm useless; I can't even do that properly!"

Gaius decided that Merlin was beginning to doubt his ability to survive. He wasn't ready for those thoughts especially as he had been making progress so he changed tack and mentioned that he could do with a drink.

Putting on the kettle, he prepared a drink of soothing herbs. He turned and said over his shoulder as he knew Merlin was watching and listening to him. "When the time is right, you will know and be able to face the world. You have learned well from him, as he learned from you."

Gaius smiled and said, "Don't worry, when I know that you are ready, I'll kick you out of this chamber like a mother bird, a baby out of its nest.

"Promise me, Gaius," sniffed Merlin.. "Only when I'm really ready..."

Gaius came over with the mugs, he put it down and laid his hand lovingly on Merlin's head. "Yes, only when you are really well prepared but don't worry; not until I see that you are your old happy self, able to once again cope. Then we'll do some planning. We'll start with little excursions within the castle and then maybe trips further afield. You won't leave Camelot until we both know that you are ready...

Merlin closed his eyes and whispered to himself, 'Arthur, you were right. You told me not to worry as Gaius would look after me... but I'd rather it were you!'


	19. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER 19 : ONE FOR ME (Part 1 of 2)**

Merlin sat way above the practice field, watching the mounted knights training. This was one activity he could watch for hours. He had always been so proud of Arthur's riding ability and his jousting.

Arthur had laughed at his first efforts at riding but after years of practice, he had become a competent rider, if the horse cooperated and sadly, it didn't always... and there were some close calls.

* * *

><p>One day, Arthur had one of his great ideas, it sounded like a foreign expedition the way he announced it. "<em>We<em> will be riding out to meet the Camelot Knights returning from a jousting tournament."

Merlin thought, 'Big deal. A half day's ride that will take all sorts of preparations, when we could just wait here for Lancelot and Gawaine to return.'

He was going to say this but then realised that Arthur was the initiator of the outing and the least thing he could do was to cooperate. Instead, he told Arthur that he was sure that they would enjoy the surprise. Arthur although no longer competing himself, was still interested in his knights' competitive skills.

It was decided that they would ride to Segontium awaiting the knights' arrival. It should be something different for Arthur, not too taxing on him and the change from Camelot would lift his spirits. They had been invited to stay in the castle where the Camelot contingent of knights and their support staff would be camping before returning home.

Arthur as always was in a hurry but 'haste makes waste' and they had walked out of his chamber later than he had wanted. "Look at the time? For heaven's sake, Merlin, speed up!"

Merlin was exhausted, this was not turning out to be a great day. "You're ready, sure, but I had to get your breakfast, supervise your dressing, tidy your room, remind the stables that we needed the horses, collect food for the trip and pack bedrolls, and extra clothes and... I still haven't had anything to eat myself..."

"Poor Merlin..."Arthur threw him a condescending look, "Told you, you should have got up earlier."

At least Arthur was in a great mood... Merlin muttered something rude under his breath.

"I heard that!"

Merlin ducked in case there was an incoming missile but there was nothing so he just grinned. One point for him!

Tom brought the horses into the courtyard. Arthur mounted and set off at a canter.

* * *

><p>The young boy was so excited, in the distance he could see the turrets of Camelot with their blowing pennants. He'd heard about the knights and the king...<p>

His family was gone. The soldiers had decimated his village. No one was left alive, his mother, father, older sister and brother, his baby brother all gone. He found himself alone. He had sat down put his head in his hands and cried.

The village woodsman had been in the forest and had sensibly remained hidden, returning to the village when all sounds of the fighting was over and the fires were out. His family, wife and children were dead. He could find only one survivor, a smoke covered lad with burned hands.

Together, they made their way to the village of the woodsman's parents. The boy was given a place to sleep but food was scarce and once his hands had healed, he was told to move on.

"Where?" He'd asked. People shrugged their shoulders, what did they know about places to stay. Life was hard, you lived it as best you could, then you died. Many had never gone more that three miles from their own birthplace.

The boy left early one morning. Someone gave him the heel of a loaf and he immediately became history to the villagers.

He was on the road early and could see that people were only going in one direction so he followed them. A market town was his first stop. He tried to find something to do hoping to get fed for his labour. He helped someone unload a wagon of vegetables. It was hard work, the coarse sacks of potatoes hurt his hands. He never wanted to see another cabbage in his life. When the work was all done and he kept hanging around, the man turned nasty and growled, "Sod off!"

From then on, he decided to be more careful when he offered to help someone.

The day was passing slowly and the wind came up. He was hungry, cold and tired. He got a lift with a farmer returning to his family after a day at Market. As it was getting late, he felt sorry for the lad and took him home, gave him a meal and put him in the stable for the night. His wife made sure he had a breakfast before sending him to a neighbouring farm to watch the geese as they travelled through the fields. He found the job boring but liked the birds and was very careful of his charges. At the table that evening, he met a peddler on his way to a market at a castle.

"What's a castle?" the boy asked. He was fascinated with the stories of the shiny white castle and the knights. The man said that he could tag along with him in return for helping carry his wares, fine linens, silks and ribbons.

Early next morning, the two of them left.

He saw the spires, the turrets and knew that this could be his home. They unloaded the wares at a stall in the market place. The peddler was well known; so women from various parts of the castle town were crowding around.

The man told the boy he could explore but not to get in the way of the knights as they had important jobs and didn't suffer slowpokes. He told him that if he wanted to be back at the stall by late afternoon, he'd take him to the next market town with him. He gave him a small coin for his lunch.

The lad carefully wrapped the coin in a rag and put it in his pocket. He didn't intend to waste time eating; he had a castle to explore. He made his way up through the lower town and reached the outer walls. He was blown away by the size of the building. His head swivelled from left to right.

He reached the final hill. He heard hoofbeats and a big horse flew by with a knight in a flowing red cloak. The boy stood to one side, it was the first knight he had ever seen and the horse was so unlike the old horse in his village. It was unlike anything that he had ever seen. He turned watching the horse, fascinated.

Merlin sprang into the saddle trying to catch up with Arthur. He was going way too fast as he left the portcullis; as he made the last turn before the straightaway, he realised suddenly that he had gone too wide.

The young boy heard another horse coming and the next thing he knew he had been pushed to the ground and as he hit the cobble stones, he screamed in pain. He glimpsed a worried face and heard a man yelling.

Then everything went black...

Tosh had arrived in Camelot!

Merlin heard more than saw, the figure collapse with a cry, to the ground.

Arthur turned and yelled, "Merlin get up here. You're always so eager to ride beside me. Get that horse, up here, now!"

So, Merlin regretting doing it, made a snap decision and yelled to one of the guards, "Take the boy to Gaius, tell him Merlin's horse clipped him."

He continued on his way with misgivings as although he couldn't give more help than Gaius, at least, he knew he should have been there to explain the situation to him. He voiced his concerns to Arthur.

Following the yelling, there was silence. Tosh heard a woman crying, "Is this anyone's child?" The lad knew that there was no one left in his world who could have answered yes. A soldier came and picked him up. He was in pain but was carried towards the castle courtyard through the portcullis and up some stairs in a tower.

The soldier knocked on the door and a muffled voice told him to come in. Tosh looked around, he had never seen such a room. A grey-haired old man walked over, saying softly, "What have we here? Put him on that bed."

The soldier did as he was told and reported, "I was ordered to bring this lad to you, Sir, as Merlin's horse clipped him and he told me to bring him here and tell you it was his fault."

Gaius looked up, "...and he's following you?"

"The Prince was yelling at him insisting that he follow him and once Merlin had given me the order, he galloped after the Prince Arthur."

Gaius looked none too pleased with this information but he was already tending to his young patient.

He motioned to the soldier that he could leave, "Thank you for bringing him in promptly. Do you know if he is from Camelot?"

The soldier shrugged his shoulders and moved to leave. Gaius continued, "...and you are sure, that Merlin left after knocking him down?

The solder nodded, "Certain, Sir!" He left nodding at the boy, "Hope you're better soon."

* * *

><p>Merlin suggested that he should return to tell Gaius it had been an accident. Arthur however was adamant, "He'll know, Stupid. You don't usually go around hurting people. No way, we are not returning. We're late and the others will soon be there, buck up, Merlin. Gaius is quite capable of looking after the lad. Anyway, he probably belongs in the lower town and his family will be with him. You would only be in the way." He scratched his head, "Now, why does that sound familiar?"<p>

This last sentence was accompanied with raised eyebrows... He realised Arthur was trying to take his mind off the boy but it wasn't working. So, he just mouthed, 'Prat!' Two for him!

"I saw that!" Arthur leaned towards him, shoving him off balance and he wobbled dangerously before he was grabbed and hauled back into the saddle. "Still not used to riding, eh, Merlin?"

Merlin muttered, "Arthur that wasn't funny, I could have fallen!"

"But you didn't cause out of the kindness of my princely heart, I saved my little manservant from a big disaster..."

"But you started it."

"I did not." He turned as if imploring an audience, "Did anybody here see me do anything to cause my riding companion, to almost unsaddle himself? He put his hand behind his ear as if listening for a response. "See," he said to Merlin. Nobody saw anything..."

Merlin laughed. He couldn't stay cross with Arthur for long, these days. But he didn't enjoy the ride, at the back of his mind, he continually had the vision of the dark haired lad lying on the road. It was no use asking Arthur if he might return to Camelot himself. He was his manservant and his job demanded that he be at Arthur' side, not gallivanting around the countryside on his own mission.

* * *

><p>"Well, let's see what we have here. My name's Gaius and I am the Court Physician. I look after the King, the Prince and all the members of the royal household as well as the villagers. Can you bend your leg? Good. How about the other one? Good. Now, let me check your arms."<p>

Gaius walked around to the boy's head and saw that his collar bone was broken and felt that his arm was also. He explained that he would have to take off his jacket but decided to give the lad a strong sedative before putting him through any further pain.

He was a brave little kid and took the draught without complaining. When he was sleepy, Gaius was able to remove his jacket and blouse; strap his collar bone; splint and bandage his arm and check him over for other injuries. He was going to have a bruised hip but no damage to his head or back. He was a lucky kid. A collision between a child and a galloping horse usually was a fatality. He did have some scaring on his hands as if they had been burnt but they had healed. He was on the thin side but not malnourished which Gaius sadly recalled you often saw in this day and age. Gaius laid him out straight on the bed and put a blanket over him.

Gaius still couldn't understand why Merlin hadn't brought him in. What had he been thinking? If he caused the injuries, he should have accompanied the boy back to his chambers. He glanced over and the boy was breathing steadily with only slight traces of pain across his face. He didn't recognize the lad. Gaius looked up as someone knocked on the door, 'Merlin finally and I should think so.' But it was one of the squires, come to collect ointment for one of the knights. He knew that squires were all over the palace and the lower town so he asked him, "Have you ever seen this boy before?

The squire took a good look and replied, "I don't know him, Sir, and I don't think that he is anyone's brother either."

Gaius knew that the lad wasn't ready to go home yet but surely, by now, if he belonged to someone in Camelot, they would have claimed him.

The boy had been quite reticent about his family and Gaius got no information other than, his name was Tosh and he was eleven. Sadly, nothing that would have enabled him to link the boy to any local family.

Within a couple of hours, even with his arm bandaged and in a sling, the resilience of youth was apparent, as he was soon underfoot. Gaius couldn't complain though as he enjoyed the company and the lad was helpful. He was fascinated by the leech tank, listening open mouthed as Gauis explained the reason for their being in his chambers. He had no fear of them but happily caught them with the fingers of his good hand, carefully transferring them to a bowl, while he sort of helped Gaius to clean their tank.

They sat at the table sharing Gaius's supper. Gaius beginning to realise that Tosh was not from Camelot. He didn't seem upset by the fact that he was in a strange place and Gaius as he had medications to deliver in the castle, asked him if he could manage a little walk and would he like to accompany him. And so they set out, a grey haired physician and a dark curly haired boy!

That night, to make sure he was comfortable, he gave him something to help with the pain; then left him on the cot in Merlin's room until he could find someone to take him off his hands.

* * *

><p>Arthur was fed up with Merlin's complaining. "Let it go Merlin. I'm tired of your guilt. If you don't look on the brighter side, I'll throttle you and how would that look like on the record of a future..."<p>

As he said it his face fell. Merlin saw sadness taking over his body. He tried to ward it of by saying, "Don't worry Arthur, I'd go down in history books as the most annoying manservant of all time, throttled by his unbiased master, when he insisted once more mentioning an accident which his righteous Sire had forbidden him..."

Arthur looked up and smiled, "Merlin, I couldn't face the future without you. You keep my feet securely on earth, my mind in the clouds and my heart floating in between.

They continued in agreeable silence, taking a break to feed and water the horses, while they had lunch. The day was spectacular, a pleasant breeze and warm sun. As he cleared up, Merlin had noticed that even this morning's ride had sapped some of Arthur's energy. He was sitting propped against a tree, relaxed but less than comfortable.

"Arthur, we have plenty of time, let's give the horses an hour's break, I'll unsaddle them and why not have a snooze, yourself?" He suggested, while laying out a bed roll, "You're going to be busy till late this evening.

Without further ado, Arthur said grinning, "If I should fall asleep, and you don't, Merlin," and he raised his eyebrows laughing, "Wake me in an hour." He put his head down and in no time and was fast asleep.

"One to Arthur," Merlin murmured...

Merlin sat on the edge of the Arthur's bedroll near his feet, sadly mulling over their future, praying that he would have the courage to stay beside Arthur to the very end.

Later, they rode on enjoying just being the two of them, until they saw the towers of Sergontium. There in the meadows was the Camelot camp, multi-coloured tents with pennants flying, and lines of tethered horses with their grooms. Here, they would meet up with the others and Arthur could ignore his servant who could then worry about the boy to his heart's content.

Lancelot and Gawaine welcomed them. Merlin asked if he might be excused to go to the castle to get Arthur's chamber organized. Arthur said, "Take all the time you need, Merlin, you know you will anyway."

'Two for you, Arthur!' Merlin thought.

Gawaine laughed, "Arthur don't be so hard on him. You know you'd really miss him if he wasn't with you." Arthur shrugged smiling. "Hey, Merlin," Gawaine called after him, "When you're finished come back to join us and have an ale. You're always a laugh once you've had a couple!"

Merlin called back to him, "Gawaine, it takes one to know one!" Three for him.

Sitting outside Lancelot's blue and white tent, drinks were called for as Camelot had done exceptionally well at the Tournament. Lancelot had brought home the Overall Challege, making Arthur beam. Gawaine had taken the Sword Challenge, for which he received a well-aimed punch on the upper-arm. While the Junior in Training went to Arthur's favourite upcoming protégée, Rhyll of Monmouth, great-grandson of Sir Geoffrey, Camelot's librarian

The final result was that Camelot had received the Tournament Pennant, which Arthur now realised was flying above Lancelot's tent. Word was sent out that Arthur wanted to personally congratulate all those involved.

Arthur promised that upon their return to Camelot, there would be a Tournament Feast, honouring the knights' menservants, the armourers, the blacksmith and the various grooms who play an important part in the upkeep and health of the horses. Gawaine was immediately all for it and as he put it, "Any evening spent feasting and drinking is time wisely spent." Lancelot and Arthur looked at each other and shook their heads.

Merlin joined them, once Arthur's accommodation was organized. He carried an invitation from the Earl that not only Arthur but all Camelot knights were to join him in the Castle for an evening meal.

"See Merlin, if you had just one ounce of courage, you could have trained to be a credit to Camelot." Merlin clamped his mouth shut and blushed, as he realised what he had been just been about to reply to Arthur. It was sometimes difficult being so close to the prince as he had to watch his actions and words when they were in public.

They talked about the tournament, until Arthur decided it was time to change for supper and the four of them made their way back to the castle.


	20. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER 20 : ONE FOR ME (Part 2 of 2)**

The Family Dining Hall at Segontium was beautifully furnished; the walls covered with rich tapestries. The Earl and his Lady were the perfect hosts. The food was excellent and the serving staff was a credit to their Mistress.

Arthur amused himself by drawing the unobtrusive service to Merlin's attention as he stood with the household servants.

No one pushed his chair in too close to the table so that it almost cut him in half.

No one accidentally filled his goblet too full or neglected to fill his goblet.

No one knocked his goblet over or jostled him sending his cutlery flying.

No one served him by dropping things in his lap.

No one had to be reminded about courses.

No one dropped things with loud crashes on the table.

He suddenly realised why his father sighed audibly, when Merlin managed to do just that. Merlin would say, "Sorry Sire! Then turn to grin at him from beneath his fringe and the awful thing was that the more exasperated Uther became, the funnier Arthur always found it.

Merlin bided his time and when he had to cross behind Arthur's chair at one point, he managed to give him a good kick with his foot. Arthur looked up, clamping his jaw. That hurt. His eyebrows rose to his hairline. Merlin knew that look. It easily translated as, 'Wait till I get you back to the chambers.'

Merlin leant over to apologise and said in a stage whisper, "Another one for me!"

Lancelot looked up, "Are the two of you still fighting...? Honestly, you're worse than kids."

Arthur couldn't help smiling as he turned and explained that Merlin was referring to the wine "Did I want him to get...another one for me!" He'd _get_ him, good and proper the idiot...

He was miles away, when he heard his name being mentioned by the Earl who was now standing, "... and I ask you all to rise and raise your goblets in a toast to the one day, future king of Camelot, Arthur Pendragon. May our two families continue to be united as we are, with my friend Uther Pendragon."

Merlin cringed. What an unintentional slap in the face for Arthur?

All the Knighst rose and turned to the seated Arthur, acknowledging him by raising their goblets and drinking.

To Merlin, Arthur looked ashen. He was so proud of him when as the others resumed their seats, he stood, thanking the Earl and toasting his lovely Lady Wife and family. He was then able to resume his seat. He looked across the room and caught Merlin's eye. Merlin's heart went out to him but he could do nothing.

Merlin suddenly realised, that he had lost the 'one for me game' as Arthur had, not only shown his upbringing and courage in the face of a very challenging toast but had so outscored him that he had won. Gaius when he heard about it would be so proud of him as well.

Gaius! Merlin suddenly remembered the little boy and hoped that he was back in his own home with his mother. Little realising, that Tosh was tucked into his bed for the night...

Following the meal, Merlin grabbed a bite to eat before going to meet Arthur and the others, as planned.

Gawaine was already entertaining everyone. He spied Merlin and plunked a wooden mug of ale in front of him Merlin smiled weakly, he didn't like to drink. He lost all sense of himself and was always worried that he might do or say something which might have serious repercussions when he arrived back in Camelot. Another problem was, when he had a drink, everything was suddenly hilarious and he giggled uncontrollable. That would always set Gawaine off but Lancelot would look at them disapprovingly and Arthur used to shake his head; until he also reached that same stage and the most mundane objects became unexplicably funny. At that point, Lancelot would usually usher them home.

Merlin watched what Arthur drank, he'd ordered one round after another for his table and his Knights at the neighbouring tables but passed his own drinks on and had kept before him, only a half full goblet.

Merlin leant towards him saying, "Would you like a fill up, Arthur?"

But Arthur looking him directly in the eyes, said quietly, "How would it look if the _future_ King of Camelot had to be carried back to his bed?"

Merlin could see the pain and dropped his eyes. Gaius had said that ale wouldn't hurt Arthur. "But, I'm here to help you. Go ahead, have another drink. Lancelot and I are well capable of covering for you." He looked up at Gawaine holding court standing on a table and motioned with his head in that direction, "Although, I can't vouch for Gawaine being of much help."

That made Arthur laugh and he picked up a full goblet and downed it. 'Uh, Oh,' thought Merlin.

Later Merlin, who had only had a mouthful of ale and Lancelot who had been drinking moderately and Gawaine who was sloshed to the gills, walked Arthur back to the castle. Arthur was feeling no pain. He was a quiet drunk which boded well. With Lancelot on one side, Merlin on the other and Gawaine at that point, convinced he was running interference for the others, which had included scaring a couple of marauding cats, and embarrassing a courting couple, they made their way to the West Wing, finally reaching Arthur's rooms.

Arthur had a fit of the giggles, everything from the wolf skin rug on the floor to the tapestries on the wall, was hilariously funny. Merlin asked them to sit him on the bed. Arthur fell backwards and Gawaine hauled him back into a seated position.

Merlin knelt in front of him, trying to hold his legs still to remove his boots. Arthur was mumbling, and kept pulling his legs out of Merlin's grasp. He finally managed to anchor Arthur's knee and get on with the job. While, Lancelot who was the most sober of the three seated on the bed, was fighting with him to loosen the laces on his doublet.

Merlin shifted closer. Arthur had one arm free and was trying to reach Merlin, he kept missing him, flapping his arm in the air as he tried again, finding the exercise hilariously amusing. Merlin kept dodging his hand. As he finally had the second boot off, he leant on Arthur's knees and he knelt upright. Arthur finally made contact with his head. He stroked his hair curling it in his fingers, and said clearly, "Merlin Love, you don't have to do _that_!"

Surprised that Arthur had been able to speak clearly, let alone make a full sentence, Merlin blushed, that's what his Mother called him.

Gawaine of the Dirty Mind, fell off the bed, rolling on the floor laughing.

"Well, it wasn't that funny, was it?" Merlin said looking to Lancelot for support but he just gave him a wink and a knowing grin. "What's going on?"

... and Arthur finally out of his jacket, mumbled " Merlin my Love,..." to no one in particular and fell back onto the bed. In no time, Lancelot and he had the snoring Arthur under the blanket.

Gawaine and Lancelot left but not without saying in unison, "Merlin Love, you don't have to do _that_!"

Merlin was too tired to figure it out, he didn't even tidy up the room, he just flopped on his own bed in the antechamber, hoping that Arthur wouldn't have too bad a head in the morning and fell asleep to dream of his Mother.

He was awoken the following morning by a discreet tapping on the chamber door. He got up, opening it to a young servant with a breakfast platter. Boiled eggs, fruit, cheese, fresh rolls, and a jug of light cider, 'A meal fit for a king,' thought Merlin.

As Arthur had not yet stirred, Merlin plunked the platter on the table and went over to waken him but to no avail. He figured that he was playing so he tickled his nose with one of the tassels on the bed curtains. Nothing, he just half-heartedly brushed it away with his hand. He called him quite loudly but all he did was mumble. If he had been home, he would have stripped off the blankets and waited until he got chilled enough to reach for them and then he'd be awake.

Merlin looked at the water pitcher in the corner but decided against dousing his Royal Highness.

Arthur was fast asleep, didn't seem sick just asleep. Merlin said to himself, "Silly letting that good food go to waste," so he sat at the table and helped himself. The portions were very generous so there would be plenty when Arthur decided to get up.

He didn't try to keep quiet but went about packing up for the return home, always keeping an eye on the 'sleeping beauty'! Finally, he'd had it. How long can someone sleep? He went back to the normal ways of rousing people, he tickled his feet, that just elicited a giggle and the knee-jerk reaction of pulling his feet back under the blanket. He softly blew on his face. He ran his hand over his hair and gently slapped his face that resulted in just a smile and some murmuring. Arthur managed to grab his hand and rolled over holding it to his chest. Merlin was caught but finally pulled loose. Alright, he'd had enough of this and he leaned over Arthur and said in a loud voice," Get up, you lazy bastard!"

That worked, a groggy voice said, 'Watch it, Merlin. I'm tired and quite happy in bed. So shut up!" Nevertheless, Merlin realised that they had a half day's ride ahead of them. He didn't want to be responsible for riding at night, it wasn't safe.

He made a decision, opened the door into the corridor and waylaid the first person he saw, asking them to get Sir Lancelot and the Court Physician whom he had met the previous afternoon when he delivered a letter to him from Gaius.

Jacob, the Court Physician arrived first and checked Arthur over. The letter from Gaius had given him a rudimentary idea of Arthur's medical problem. He was able to relieve Merlin of his worries saying that it was probably the unaccustomed exercise from yesterday, the ale drinking and being up so late last night

Lancelot arrived and his face fell when he saw the physician with his bag of remedies. Merlin was able to tell him that there was no emergency. Jacob told Merlin over the next couple of hours, to force Arthur to sip, every now and again, a little liquid from the green glass vial, he handed him. Once the vial was empty, Arthur should be more awake, ready to eat, dress and ride home. He suggested letting Arthur set the pace. An hour's rest mid way might also be ideal.

Telling them not to worry, Jacob left, asking to be remembered to Gaius when they arrived in Camelot. For the first time since they began the journey, the name of Gaius didn't register with Merlin, as a force to be dealt with, Arthur's unusual condition had pushed the little boy and his injury out of his mind.

Lancelot raised Arthur up and Merlin tried to put a few drops of liquid on Arthur's tongue. That didn't go well as he spluttered but then licked his lips so maybe they were successful. They decided that Lancelot would return with the Knights but that Gawaine would accompany Arthur and Merlin.

Jacob's potion was working, as over the next couple of hours Arthur became more alert and finally was able to sit up and recognize where he was. When he actually got out of bed, it was three hours later that their planned departure. Merlin said nothing but made him eat some food.

Arthur was his old self. Merlin set out some clothes and helped him dress; being unable to find one boot which had got misplaced under the bed after the last evenings problems. He sat in a chair by the window until Merlin had found it. Merlin knelt to put it on. Arthur gave him a quizzical look but obviously whatever he was trying to remember was gone.

'Good thing too,' thought Merlin. He wasn't ready to get into last night's puzzling remark right now.

By the time Gawaine arrived, after seeing the Camelot party off, Arthur was in great spirits. Blaming Merlin for not waking him, he accused him of being a lay-a-bed, finding a pillow he threw it at him. 'Throw away,' thought Merlin only too happy to see Arthur back to his normal self.

"Didn't you realise how late in the day it was and now we will have to ride possibly in the dark to get home. The King will want to know why I hadn't accompanied the Knights."

Gawaine reminded him, "It's summer, the light will last. Say that the Earl and his wife had invited you to lunch and you felt that it would have been inappropriate to refuse."

Even Arthur was impressed with Gawaine's ability to lie. So they decided to leave as soon as possible, so that their arrival would coincide time wise with having lunched at Sergontium. Arthur turned to Merlin saying, "...and why, Merlin, my..." again he paused after saying his name, he shook his head and continued, "...Didn't you think of that?" and smiling cuffed him gently across the back of the head.

Gawaine caught Merlin's eye and grinned! 'Will they never forget it?' Merlin thought. Grabbing the bed rolls and saddle bags which contained the little green vial with the remnants of Jacob's potion, he followed Gawaine and Arthur.

Their return trip was uneventful. Arthur seemed energetic. They took a break to eat halfway home, sitting around to rest for an hour before re-mounting and turning their horses' heads for Camelot.

Now that Arthur seemed fine again and riding with Gawaine, chatting quite happily, Merlin had time to think over the last two days. Suddenly, he remembered his hasty departure from Camelot and the little boy. Well, soon he would have to face the wrath of Gaius especially if the boy had not survived. His homecoming did not promise to be a welcoming one...

The turrets and towers of Camelot were on the horizon, Arthur was all for cantering in to announce their arrival. The commotion, they made as they arrived in the courtyard was worthy of notice. Uther came out onto the balcony and welcomed his son back as Lancelot had said they were to be expected later in the day. Gawaine's lie worked wonders and Uther smiled inviting Arthur to join him for dinner.

Merlin turned to lead the two horses to the stables when he noticed Gaius on the stairs.

He looked up expectantly but Gaius only called, "Good, you made it. I'll see _you_...later! Merlin's heart dropped as he continued with their horses. He was tired and didn't really want to be raked over the coals by Gaius. He deserved it but he had had such a worrying time with Arthur today.

He went to Arthur's chamber with warm water for him to wash and change before joining his father. He was still very up beat which as far as Merlin was concerned was a good thing. He left with Arthur to serve him at the table. Arthur turned and said, "Merlin my..." he paused as if there was something he had forgotten, shook his head and continued. " Merlin, remember to emulate the service that your witnessed last night. Blend into the background. No one is interested in you or wants to notice you."

Turning his head, so that Arthur didn't see how upset that last remark had made him, he responded, "Yes, Sire..." Arthur turned surprised by Merlin's formal response but shrugged his shoulders and walked into the dining hall, followed by his faithful manservant.

Arthur stayed talking to his father and told Merlin, he was excused to visit Gaius but that he'd expect him in his chambers before he turned in.

* * *

><p>Merlin didn't want anything to eat, he just wanted to get it all over and done with. With a heavy heart, he walked slowly to his own bedroom. Gaius was in his chambers. He looked up from a letter he was reading as Merlin walked in. No hello, he just said, 'Merlin, you really disappointed me. Have your Mother and I not taught you more respect for life than you showed yesterday?"<p>

Merlin sat at the table opposite Gaius who pushed a goblet of wine, rolls and some fish in front of him. "However, there seem to have been some extenuating circumstances, as Lancelot gave me this letter from Jacob. He recommended me on training such a capable and cool headed young man, effective in dealing with what could have amounted to an emergency if not caught at the right moment. In the face of this, I am not going to lecture you. But, remember, everyone is loved by someone, although you might not see them as important, they are to that other person."

"But I _was_ worried, Gaius, and then Arthur was sick." Merlin didn't like the feeling that Gaius was disappointed in him. He owned Gaius so much from taking him in, to accepting his magic. He didn't deserve to be upset because of something irresponsible that he had done.

Gaius stood up, he saw that Merlin was very upset, he put his arm around Merlin's shoulders and told him to go to his room. Gaius was one step behind him when he opened the door and found the little dark haired boy, curled up in his bed. "Merlin, meet Tosh..." whispered Gaius as he gently closed the door.

"You'll have to sleep in Arthur's chamber tonight which considering what he has been through, may be the best place for you..."

Merlin turned to leave but walked back across the chamber to hug Gaius...


	21. Chapter 21

**CHAPTER 21: FROM HERE TO ETERNITY**

Merlin seated on the battlements, looked up at the roofs and turrets of Camelot. The pennants were flying, their attachments slapping the poles. The sounds had him remembering Arthur and his last visit there. However, his mind was sliding backwards to happier visits, which he hoped never to forget.

He would always remember the day that Arthur had finally taken him to explore the attics. It was a treasure trove of castle castoffs, unused and broken tools; weapons and armour; furniture; forgotten flags; chests and barrels; lots of cobwebs and little scurrying noises. At one point, Arthur had gone ahead of him and he suddenly was conscious of being surrounded by the forsaken memories of another age. His mind was picking up feelings which were foreign yet not at all frightening. All this history was enclosed in a warren of narrow chambers with high, steep ceilings. The wind whistled through the openings and the view from these heights was breathtaking.

They returned to Arthur's chambers covered in dust, clasping souvenirs of days gone by... Arthur had found a wooden horse that he had loved as a child and Merlin found a primitively carved dragon and his eyes lit up, Arthur seeing how much he liked it, insisted that he have it.

Arthur loved heights. He loved the steep tower stairwells but Merlin used to complain, "Arthur really, these are dangerous. The stairs are not safe."

Arthur always retorted, "That's right, Merlin, they're not safe _for_ girls!"

To which Merlin usually replied, "Well, if you fall and break your neck, don't come crying to me..."

"... and if that is what you say to your friend, what would you say to an enemy?" Arthur laughed.

"Try to guess, and I'll tell you if you are right!" Merlin stopped climbing, motioning to Arthur, nodding that he should begin, "Come on, you can do it." He grinned which Arthur couldn't resist.

Grinning back, he ran through his mind, all the uncomplimentary things that Merlin usually called him and realised he would be on the stairs all day until he figured out which insult his disrespectful 'servant' had in mind. So, he would tear up the stairs ahead of him just to prove that the stairs were safe. His point proven, he would then sit, comfortably against the ramparts, pretending to doze until Merlin finally arrived...

"What took you so long, did you get lost on a spiral staircase, eh, Merlin?" which remark usually earned him a shove or a punch.

He loved the roofs, the windy passageways, the loftiness of the spires. They would hang over the retaining wall and look down on Camelot spying on the citizens and knights going about their daily tasks.

"Shouldn't you be down there, doing something?" Arthur would ask.

"Me? No, I have the day off as a reward for being such an excellent servant!"

"Dream on, Merlin..."

When it was clear, they could see forever, towards the distant forests with maybe a glance of the bright line delineating the sea.

Arthur would say, "You know, Merlin, I..."

But his friend always interrupted him, "Not again, Arthur, always the same thing, 'You know Merlin, I can see heaven from here'." Arthur would try to say, that had not been what he had intended but then, grin at him and smile happily, often cuffing him across the head which usually led to Merlin grabbing his arm and trying to force it up Arthur's back until he cried, "I give up!"

Arthur really did feel that he could see all the way to heaven!

Looking down, he could see the sloping lawns above the battlements, which he especially liked. Down which as a child, he used to roll and he wasn't past trying the get Merlin off his feet, so that he would tumble down as well. Uther when he saw this horse-play would scowl at Merlin who was usually the innocent party and remind Arthur of his position in life. However, Gaius whose opinion both the boys respected more, always used to smile fondly at them. He remembered being young even if Uther didn't.

When he was able, Arthur would like to go onto the battlements, to see the comings and goings in the courtyards. However, as his illness progressed, he no longer had the energy so he would sit at his window and the knights, at one time, used to have training sessions in the courtyard below so he could feel involved.

One sunny day, not long, before he died, he asked Merlin to take him out on the battlements. Gaius gave his blessing so Arthur was wrapped in his fur-lined blanket and placed in his chair. Lancelot and Sir Leon, with Merlin directing like a mother hen, carried him out. The chair was put in a sunny level corner, on the grass close to the upper wall. From there he could see over the battlements to the turrets with their flying pennants, the roofs of the west wing, even further to the surrounding hills. Merlin stood beside his chair and looked about, it was a clear day and you could see for miles.

Arthur finally said huskily, "You know, Merlin..." but his voice broke so Merlin finished for him with a catch in his voice, "... I can see heaven from here."

Merlin who was so brave, finally broke down as well. Gaining his composure, he leaned over and wiped the tears streaming down Arthur's cheeks. Sobbing, he held him, kissing him softly before sitting on the grass by his knees. They sat, in the warm sun and solitude, reminiscing of better days.

Later, Gaius on his way up to see how Arthur was faring, met a teary-eyed Lancelot, coming to get him. He led him onto the grass and stood back, Gaius felt his heart break.

Arthur was dozing in the chair. Merlin who had obviously been sitting propped against the leg of the chair was fast asleep. His head had fallen toward Arthur and come to rest on his thigh. Unconsciously, Arthur was running his fingers through Merlin's dark hair.

All Gaius could think, as he approached them was that he had sat at his mother's feet like that many years ago.

So close, closer even than two sides of the same coin. He smiled at Arthur who looked up then blinked away a tear as he bent to wake up Merlin.


	22. Chapter 22

**CHAPTER 22 : PATRICIUS BEATUS **

One cold, windy winter afternoon, sitting by the roaring fire, wrapped in his fur-lined blanket, Arthur was trying to rest. He asked what Merlin used to do in Ealdor during the winter. Arthur was always receptive to stories. Merlin recalled one really bitter winter when a traveller had stayed in his village for a few months so, he decided to share those memories with Arthur.

* * *

><p>Pothrig had appeared, one icy day and was invited to stay over at the village headman's home. He was an interesting guest and soon became established in the village, giving help wherever needed. Various families used to invite him for meals and that was how he came to Merlin's cottage.<p>

Merlin had been pouring over a book and Pothrig was surprised to see that he had a rudimentary idea of reading. Hunith explained that she had taught him as much as she could and the rest he seemed to have picked up by himself.

Arthur murmured, "Typical! You were always such a know-it-all!"

Merlin grinned and continued. It became a routine, supper once a week at Hunith's, then helping Merlin with his reading and starting him printing on the dirt floor with a stick. Merlin was thrilled and spent hours with Pothrig, taking in everything he had to say...

It seems that when he was young, a little older than the ten year old Merlin, he'd been captured, sold and was a slave for many years. He'd been educated and well treated by his masters. He often entertained the villagers with stories of his travels and exploits. They marvelled hearing of the far away cities, people and the lives experienced by some in his stories. He was patient and would quite happily answer questions, over and over, always leaving them with the phrase, "Dominus vobiscum..."

Pothrig shared with Merlin, his beliefs and the truth he'd learned of the one true God. He spoke openly and in adult terms, verbally introducing Merlin to a world outside his own which had strong beliefs and even stronger codes, tempered always with forgiveness.

Merlin learned basic truths of Pothrig's religion and some of the rites which he used dealing with sickness and death in the village. The Latin used, fascinated him as it was so soft and rolled off his tongue smoothly. He was shocked to hear of Pothrig's plan to cross the sea and spread this truth. Merlin was all for accompanying him in this quest but Pothrig said that he needed to grow up with Hunith, until the time when his own destiny would be known to him.

Merlin's reading and printing were improving. He was only limited by the lack of materials. His spell-casting ability didn't seem to bother his teacher who did however, suggest that it should only be used for good.

Merlin grinning, took a sly glance at Arthur who raised his eyebrows, shook his head at Merlin and nodded for him to continue...

One early Spring day, Pothrig explained that it was time for him to move on, Merlin was heartbroken. The villages packed food for his travels and Hunith permitted Merlin to accompany him to the Far Woods.

Too soon, the woods were in front of them and the two of them stopped beside a stream for lunch. His friend told him that he expected Merlin to work hard in his future life regardless of what it might bring; to treat all people with respect; to value friendship; to enjoy the beautiful world in which he lived; to be unafraid to love and most importantly to be true to himself.

Pothrig moved to leave and rinsed his hand in the stream. He put his hand on Merlin's head and curled his wet thumb down to his forehead and made a sign, saying "Dominus tecum, in hora mortis tuus." Merlin felt a glow go through him, he blinked and Pothrig hugged him, whispering, "Be careful, young Warlock!" He turned, waving once, as he entered the Far Woods.

Merlin felt his damp hair, wondered at the Latin which Pothrig had spoken, smiled contentedly and returned to Hunith. That night he practiced his printing especially his teacher's name

"Speak to me in Latin, Merlin." Arthur pleaded opening his eyes.

Merlin closed his eyes and thought of Pothrig. He looked directly at Arthur and said slowly, "Pater noster, qui est in caeli, sanctificatur nomen tuum...

He felt Pothrig beside him, he stood up, put his thumb into his mouth; turned and put his hand on Arthur's head and curled his wet thumb down to his forehead and made the sign of the Cross saying, "Pax Domini sit semper tecum."

As Arthur felt Merlin's thumb, an all-encompassing warmth enveloped him. He felt relaxed and renewed. He blinked, Merlin hugged and kissed him, whispering, "Trust me, I'll be with you the whole time, right to the end! You'll know I'm there..."

Tears spilled down Arthur's cheeks, he was frightened as he said, "Merlin, I couldn't ask that of you." This was different, this was to be his final adventure, one he would take alone!

"You didn't ask me, Arthur, I offered!" He said sitting down, hoping that when the time came for Arthur to die, he would indeed have the strength to stand by him.

Arthur thanked God for a friend like Merlin and smiled at him... He didn't want to know but he had to ask, "How will it happen Merlin?"

Merlin, looked up. Now was not the time to shrug and say, 'I don't really know.'

So he reached for Arthur's hand and said quietly, "You'll feel sleepy and you'll slip away from me, and Igraine will be waiting to catch you." He kissed Arthur's hand and laid it back in his lap.

* * *

><p><strong>Dominus vobiscum:<strong> The Lord be with you

**Dominus tecum in hora mortis:** The Lord be with you at the hour of your death.

**Pater Noster...:** Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed by Thy name...

**Pax Domini sit semper tecum:** May the Lord's peace be always with.


	23. Chapter 23

**CHAPTER 23 : ONE SHALL BE TAKEN, THE OTHER LEFT**

The muscles in Arthur's legs slowly atrophied, this was one of the discomforts which he mentioned. Gaius used to massage his legs and thighs trying to lessen the stiffness and spasms. He then wrapped them in warm linens to help alleviate the pain. Arthur used to doze during this procedure. Soon, Merlin learned the routine and Gaius allowed him to help, each one working on a leg.

One day, Arthur opened his eyes, conscious that there was a second set of hands and he abruptly moved away from them. Merlin froze and waited. Gaius whispered, "Arthur, relax, it's Merlin helping me." There was the hint of a smile at Merlin's name and slowly, the eyes closed again...

Merlin sniffed and a tear ran down his cheek, Gaius said, "It's alright, he not only needs you but he trusts and loves you. Accept him as he is, enjoy him while you can and his love will be with you forever."

Merlin could never remember Arthur ranting, ever questioning his illness. 'None of the Why me? What did I do to deserve it? Why is this happening to me?' He faced his illness with the same courage as he faced an opponent in battle.

He had his down days but they were few and far between. On these days, he was very needy, unwilling to let Merlin out of his sight. Gaius would step in, insisting Merlin leave the chamber to clear his mind and have something from the kitchens.

Arthur would fuss but finally settle. Gaius hoped that this intensive situation was not going to be too detrimental to Merlin. He knew that care of the incurably sick is very demanding and rest for the care giver is advised, yet Merlin refused the latter.

Arthur became so weak, he was a shadow of his former self. He had to depend completely on Merlin for his nursing care; he didn't have the strength to look after himself.

To begin with, he would hit out at him in frustration; the realisation that he was dependant to that extent, was too much to accept. Frightened, embarrassed and upset, the only way he could retaliate was to push Merlin away. Arthur's pride was hurt and not being able to do such personal things brought home to him the fact that he'd lost his independence. He was a burden, someone else's responsibility. Gaius found out that Merlin's arms and chest were covered in bruises.

Finally one day, after Merlin received a bruising slap across the face, Gaius intervened. He sent Merlin away, telling him he wanted to talk to Arthur in private. Merlin reluctantly left.

"Arthur, why do you hit him?" Gaius asked. He understood why but he had to get his point across, "This is also difficult for Merlin and if you can't trust him and don't want him to look after you, fine." He paused; letting the importance of the statement sink in; he waited, "So, tell me, whom do you _want_ to help you?"

Eyes filled with tears, a contrite Arthur sobbed, "Merlin..."

Over the next few days, Arthur realised that he would never be able to manage by himself and graciously, well as gracious as Arthur could possibly be, accepted Merlin's ministrations trusting him completely, no one else, just Merlin and if necessary Gaius.

Merlin had finished, Arthur was washed and tucked into clean sheets. Even doing nothing, he was exhausted. He remembered what Merlin had said about dying and out of the blue, reminded him "I'll be waiting for you, Merlin, when it's your turn."

Merlin looked into his eyes, saying quietly, "Arthur..." but he couldn't continue. Arthur stretched out and reached for him.

Merlin was exhausted mentally and physically, he often slept when Arthur rested, never too deeply always tuned in to him. He realised the importance of a continual steady heartbeat so he made it his job to monitor Arthur's. That led to fun and games.

At first Arthur laughed and told him that he would tell him when his heart was doing strange things. Merlin insisted that it was necessary for him to hear the heartbeat so he would lie on Arthur's left with his head near his heart.

Arthur didn't complain for long, he became used to Merlin lying beside him; as having Merlin that close, made him feel safe. He liked to think that maybe Merlin needed the contact as much as he did. He really didn't want to leave Merlin that hurt him more than the fact that he would get no older, never reaching his next birthday or even Christmas. Never to become King.

He often wondered at his father's prolonged absences but Merlin and Gaius both confirmed that the King was very busy ruling Camelot. Even when he did come to his chambers, he seemed nervous, had nothing to talk about and kept saying, 'You'll be better soon!' Arthur had reached the point in his illness when he had accepted the fact that he was dying and would have given anything to hear his father say, 'I could not have asked for a better son than you!'

However, the words were never said and when he couldn't sleep at night, this omission gnawed at his mind. If he had ever become a father, he knew that would have showered his children with the love which had been so missing in his relationship with Uther.

It almost seemed as if Merlin was privy to these thoughts as he would take his hand and tell him that worrying would give him a face full of wrinkles and they would both smile.

Unbeknownst to him, Merlin and Gaius had discussed Uther's absence but even with gentle prodding from Gaius, the situation never changed. Uther missed all the opportunities which presented themselves for a visit with Arthur, while he was well enough to enjoy one.

An opportunity lost never to be regained.

One day, Gaius came in to take over and to give Merlin a few minutes for himself and found him fast asleep, cuddled into Arthur with his left arm over Arthur's chest.

Arthur was awake and put his finger to his lips. Gaius understood. He disentangling his arm from Arthur and gently rolled the sleeping Merlin on his back. Merlin muttered but slept soothed by Gaius's voice.

After Gaius had taken care of him, Arthur asked him to slide the still sleeping Merlin back. Gaius positioned him next to Arthur who now put his left arm around him, holding him close waiting for Merlin to wake.

Gaius looked at Merlin's face, troubled even in sleep and said, "Thank you for being such a good friend to him."

Arthur shook his head, "No, I'm the lucky one. Gaius, promise me you will take care of him when I die, I worry about him."

"You know I will, Sire!"

Arthur looked up whispering, "No more Sire, Gaius, I'm only Arthur now..."

Gaius ruffled Arthur's hair and bent kissing him on the forehead, seeing the lovely, little boy he had looked after. It was the last lucid conversation he had with him.

Gaius felt it was a miracle that in Camelot, a Warlock and a Prince had been drawn to each other.


	24. Chapter 24

**CHAPTER 24 : EVER FORWARD BUT SLOWLY**

Merlin was becoming less depressed. He still had little moody sessions but slowly his mind was regaining its former happy self. Gaius knew that it was time to add another ingredient to the mix.

One morning, Gaius sat at the table grinding herbs. Merlin across from him, complaining that he had the harder job as he patiently split poppy pods, allowing the shiny black, fine-ground pepper-sized seeds to cascade into the little clay pot. Gaius smiled...

There was a knock at the door and a friend walked in. Merlin's jaw dropped, but not before he was enveloped in a bear hug. Gawaine had returned. He whirled Merlin around before putting him down. He stood back and took in the thinner face, the more serious eye but was rewarded with the hint of a smile and once again grabbed Merlin to himself.

Gaius satisfied that he had done the right thing, picked up his physician's bag and walked towards the door, saying over his shoulder, "I'm off on my rounds. Don't destroy the place, you two." He raised an eyebrow at Gawaine and left.

The two friends sat at the table for a while, looking at each other; remembering their friendship over the years, each very conscious of the person missing from the table.

Gawaine spoke first. "How was it?" He said suddenly becoming serious for the first time since he had walked into the chamber. He noticed Merlin's flinching and his complexion becoming paler than normal.

"Awful..." he whispered. "He fought but it was a battle which he was never going to win. Oh, Gawaine, he tried so hard." Tears were flowing freely down Merlin's face. "Gaius told me what to expect but it was so much harder than I would ever have imagined. It's not, that I had never seen anyone die, knights die the whole time but they are often dead or almost dead before you reach them."

"With a sudden death, there isn't that over shadowing thought, that persistent fear. He could die today. He could die tonight. He could die tomorrow. Why does dying have to be so hard?"

Merlin took a deep breath, "But Arthur went so slowly, he had months of relatively good health and then there would be a fever and his heart went down another notch. The hardest thing was to tell him that his condition was going to kill him. Gaius told me to be truthful, if he asked... so I was."

"How did he take it?"

"He cried... but he knew deep down that something serious was happening to him. He was wonderful Gawaine. No complaints, he'd just shrug his shoulders and say that it wasn't to be. Never did he say that he was fed up with life."

Merlin ran his hand through his hair, he was breathing rapidly, his mind swept back to the days which Arthur and he alone had experienced. He whispered, "I wouldn't have stood by and let my horse suffer as he did."

Gawaine worried that he should stop his friend in these thoughts. Reaching for his hand, he realised that Merlin was beyond him and what he was offering would be a futile attempt at showing compassion.

"Most mornings when he woke up, he gave me that little smile as though he'd played a trick on me, which I had yet to find out. The smile that he knew something which I didn't, the smile telling me he was still here with me ..."

"My heart broke to see him being so courageous facing death. A death in his wildest dreams, he could never have imagined. A sword through his heart maybe but having an enemy living within you and slowly breaking down your defenses until you could not even hold up your own head. That's not the way for a Knight to die."

Gawaine knew that tears were coursing down his cheeks, but he was beyond wiping them. His heart was breaking as he listened to this gentle soul, who had stayed bravely by his best friend as he faced death, helping him, caring for him and loving him.

"He once said to me, as I moved him in the bed, 'If I could wish one thing for you Merlin, it is that, the moment you realise you are dying; you are dead!' After all the hours, we had spent together, I knew exactly what he meant... " We both just sat there hanging onto each other crying.

"I knew the pain and the love which had prompted that. I had been through everything with him from simple things such as not being able to get up by himself or to relying on me to help him with things he had done for himself from the age of six."

"Towards the end, we were as one. It seemed as if I felt his pain, I knew what he needed even before he did. We were going through hell together. But at the same time, I wouldn't... I couldn't...have been anywhere else. I would have fought everyone and everything to be with him during that time."

"We had some good times, some happy times and of course, serious times. There was so much that we talked about. We used to spend time, telling each other what we had done before I arrived in Camelot. He'd laugh as he recalled what I had said to him that first day, how I had stood up to him... from that day to holding him when he died, seems now just minutes."

Gawaine realised that the more he talked the more animated Merlin seemed.

Gaius had told Gawaine, when he'd seen him briefly this morning prior to his coming to the physician's chamber, "Memories and time are sometimes enough to heal a broken spirit". He'd advised, "Let him talk, it can't hurt him more than he is already hurt. He needs to open up and share his thoughts. Some will still be too personal but you'll know which ones, as he can't yet verbalise them so he will suddenly sit still but you can see by his face that he is reliving things which cannot be shared. Time is the healer but he needs another listener. He's been to hell and back and he needs to anchor himself in the present to make further progress."

He looked into the Knight's eyes, "I'm trusting you with him. Be gentle with him Gawaine... some moments, he's as fragile as a newborn!

Merlin was no longer talking, just reliving Arthur. Remembering Gaius's suggestions, Gawaine interrupted his thoughts by asking how Uther had behaved.

Merlin said in an emotionless voice, "The King survived by ignoring Arthur's illness. He ignored Gaius's advice and cut himself off from his only child. In the last four months, he visited him once. Too late, as Arthur was not conscious that day."

"Arthur never once asked to see his father. He only wanted Gaius and..."Merlin swallowed, "... and me."

"You told him? Please, Merlin, tell me you told him..."

The tears began again as Merlin put his head into his hands. He finally lifted his head, tears caught on his eye lashes as he opened his eyes and murmured, "Yes, I told him..."

Merlin's mind flashed back and he was filled once again with his love for Arthur and the satisfaction that it was reciprocated.

For years, he'd known of his own feelings, as he had known full well, that he should tell Arthur... If this love was rejected, it wouldn't have gone away. It would have remained as strong just cloistered in his heart. He would not have loved Arthur any less or turned away from him when he had most need of him.

Merlin had suspected that Arthur's feeling might be the same, the little un-called for smiles, the gentle teasing and need for brief physical contact but until he actually told him, Merlin had always been too afraid to hope. Then the chains were shattered and their love grew in bounds. They were able to give free rein to their feelings and Arthur as sick as he was, had told him that he felt, he was free of his mortal body with its physical ailments and was soaring above Camelot, once again, loving life!

Gawaine looked at Merlin, sitting there miles away, with a blissful smile on his face. Gaius was right, memories are important and a life without them is dead.

Merlin was brought back to the present by Gawaine saying," Did his Knights stand beside him?"

"They were very supportive; helping him on the stairs which were a real problem for him; sitting with him reminiscing about better days. Lancelot and Leon used to take turns having their meals with us when he was well enough. Some of his close friends even put on sword training sessions in the courtyard below his window so he could watch them. That was until Uther said that it was unseemly for his Knights to be cavorting in the courtyard... He just didn't understand!"

"Finally, he was confined to his room, he could get to his chair before the fire but one day he refused to get out of bed and slowly as his heart weakened, he became bedridden."

Merlin looked up at Gawaine and in a low voice said, "It's only recently that I dream of him as he looked when he was the old Arthur. Usually, he is not well. Gawaine, I miss him everyday. Sometimes, I am busy and I think that is Gaius's plan; as then, life seems normal but then clouds come over my mind, it gets dark and everything is so distant. Gaius has been my lifeline between the hopelessness and the hope."

There was a knock on the door, Gaius was back, but it wasn't Gaius, it was Gwen.

She breezed in smiling at Gawaine and set a tray on the table. It was a lunch for two. Merlin raised his eyebrows and Gwen answered, "Gaius asked me to bring you lunch and to tell you that there is a flagon of mead in the bottom of the cupboard by the window. But..." she cautioned, "he asked me to remind you, no rioting, no drunken brawls and leave some mead for him when he returns..." With a pert little curtsey, she smiled and left them...

They looked at each other and laughed. Merlin got the mead and grabbed his silver goblet offering it to Gawaine who said that he'd be quite happy using Gaius's. Merlin wondered at Gawaine's ability to read every situation. He was happy to be sharing a meal with him and felt that Arthur would have been happy if he could have seen the two of them."

Merlin raised his goblet, "To Arthur, whom I miss with all my heart!"

Gawaine raised his and took a drink. Now it was Gawaine's turn to toast, he raised his goblet, "To Merlin, whom Arthur loved!"

Merlin lowered his eyes, mumbling thanks.

The meal was excellent. The mead was even more excellent and the two chatted on late into the afternoon.

There was a tap on the door and it opened to reveal Lancelot. He smiled nodding at Merlin, looking at Gawaine saying, "It's time to go."

Gawaine looked at Merlin, "You know how to find me. Just visit all the taverns and sooner or later I'll be in one of them! I'll keep in touch through Lancelot."

Merlin smiled. He was once more enveloped in a bear hug. Gawaine whispered to him, "Keep thinking good thoughts, Merlin. No need for regrets, you served Arthur well."

He pulled back glancing over his shoulder at Lancelot. "I have to get away while I have Lancelot as an escort. Merlin, it was great seeing you. Say thanks to Gaius."

One more hug and Gawaine had to walk away, he turned smiling at his friend. He knew that he would willingly give his life for Merlin's.

Merlin cleared the remains of their lunch and did the dishes. The door opened and Gaius came in. Merlin grinned, "Like a drink, Gaius? We saved you some."

"I would hope so." Merlin handed him his goblet and Gaius poured himself a healthy shot. "How did your day go?"

The smile on Merlin's face told him that talking about Arthur had been beneficial to him. "It was good seeing Gawaine again. You arranged it didn't you, Gaius? Thank you!"

"Guilty as charged! I had Lancelot and Leon's help and we managed to get him into the Camelot unnoticed. He probably would have liked to stay longer but it would not have been safe. He'll be alright, once he crosses the border."

That night, Merlin dreamt of Arthur's friends, Gawaine, Lancelot and Leon, and in particular a young and healthy Arthur. He woke when it was still dark. He knew he was there, so he just whispered, "Forever, Arthur..." and nestled deeper into his bed.


	25. Chapter 25

**CHAPTER 25 : ****TO MERLIN WITH LOVE**

This destination had been in his mind for months. Gaius had prepared him for it. Today was the first anniversary of Arthur's death.

Rooms held memories and he was going to experience them. He_ had_ to come here before he was ready to even consider leaving Camelot. He climbed up the last few steps; walked along the corridor; his heart was racing in his chest. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door to Arthur's chambers.

Could he walk over the threshold into the empty rooms on today of all days?

Merlin knew it was stupid to even think it, but maybe Arthur hadn't died. Maybe he had been here for the last year, waiting for Merlin to get well enough to come back to him. Maybe Gaius and Arthur had planned that he should have some respite before once again resuming the position of manservant...of beloved friend!

He so wanted this to be true but deep inside, the pain surfaced knocking aside the hope that was circling his heart. Arthur was dead...it was just his mind overacting to his own silly feelings.

Merlin closed his eyes, he was literally shaking as he stepped into the room. He felt the damp; he felt the emptiness.

The four-poster bed stripped; the curtains knotted; the hearth cleaned; the floor swept and the candles gone. Frantically, he ran around checking cupboards, drawers and chests. No clothes, no linens, no salve containers, no potion bottles, nothing! Every sign of Arthur had been removed!

The antechamber was empty but that was understandable, someone had brought all his own clothes and effects down to Gaius's. Every sign of Merlin had also been removed.

He stood in the centre of the room, trembling, filled with despair, head thrown back, eyes golden, in the same fragile frame of mind as when he had first realised that he was holding a dead Arthur in his arms.

He saw Gaius's arrival in this very chamber, he saw his removing Arthur's fur-lined blanket, he saw the funeral pyre, the knights in their flowing red cloaks, the smoke. He remembered the months of uncertainty. He saw the friends who had stood by him, Lancelot, Leon, Gawaine, the other knights and castle staff.

He remembered his many years with Arthur, their experiences and their love. He saw Arthur's smile, his blonde hair, his raised eye-browed nod, he heard his voice, he felt his hands... he recalled their shared memories...

Closing his eyes, he prayed that he would be able to pull himself away from that all encompassing darkness. He stood still, letting his own feelings for Arthur wash over him as he realised that Arthur was almost completely gone from the room. He was with him still but in his mind and heart, never to be torn away from him again...

His foot hit something; it spun and rolled under the bed. He recognized it immediately and found himself on his knees retrieving it. He remembered when Arthur's fingers had become so thin that it wouldn't stay on and he kept finding it in the bed. He had knotted it into the tassel on the bed curtain next to Arthur's head. Merlin remembered that he had wanted to put it away but Arthur liked it and said that he wanted to be able to see it. It must have fallen off when they had stripped the bed.

He slipped the silver ring on his left index finger and then sensed Arthur's fingers close over it and heard him whisper, "Sempiternal ..."

This brought a sob from him. He whispered back, "For ever and ever..."

He closed his eyes, a few tears wandering down his cheeks; he took a few moments to compose himself. In an empty room, he said quietly to his much beloved Arthur "I don't quite understand, how loving memories can hurt so much!"

He wandered around, his hand lingering on familiar surfaces. He closed his eyes which by then were blue and left. Arthur and he were no longer associated with these chambers...

Merlin returned through the castle corridors unnoticed.

Gaius glanced up as Merlin walked in, he had been worried about him today. He seemed quite composed and gave Gaius the suspicion of a grin. He sat at the table opposite Gaius, took a deep breath, reaching out he took Gaius's old hands into his young ones saying, "I think it will soon be time for the mother bird to push me out of the nest! Do you think it's time yet? Could I manage all be myself?"

Laughingly, Gaius looked at the young man whom he had held close to his heart for the last seven years. "You're ready for your solo flight, like a little merlin, soaring over the turrets of Camelot. I have every confidence that you will be able to fly but remember that the mother bird loves you and couldn't bear never to see you again. There will always be a safe place for you here."

Merlin said, "Gaius, I don't know where to start to thank you. From the day, I arrived with a letter from my mother, until the day you came to get me after Arthur died, to the hours, days and months, for this whole year during which you have helped me regain my health, thank you. Without you, my life would have been so different, I would never have known Arthur, we would never have been in love."

He smiled, he had managed to say something so deep and not feel sad. He could feel Arthur sitting at the table watching him.

"You'll never forget him Merlin, he's with you for your whole life. Sitting beside you in sad times, laughing with you in happy times. Riding with you on all your journeys and if you listen carefully guiding you to be the person that he knows you can be. Merlin, Arthur was one in a million, his life might have been short but people will remember him and you for ages to come. Come over here and give this foolish old man, a hug!"

Gaius didn't immediately acknowledge the ring. He knew when Merlin was ready, he would tell him, both where he had been and of finding it. Gaius hoped that whatever had happened had brought Merlin closer to being his old self. He had experienced enough sadness in his short life.

He did however smile, it was fitting and right that the ring should be worn by Merlin as a token of Arthur's love.


	26. Chapter 26

**CHAPTER 26 : FOR THE LOVE OF CAMELOT**

As he reached the courtyard, he saw two saddled horses, his heart skipped a beat, he thought, 'Arthur?' Merlin's horse's head came up and he whinnied at him.

Lancelot stepped from behind Arthur's horse, "He insisted that you have him. He said to tell you that you would get lost without him."

"When?"

"On my last visit, we had a good talk while you went to find something special for him to eat. You meant so much to him, he was worried that he'd never been able to show you how much. He became a great man because of you."

"Lancelot, he showed me..." Merlin gave a little smile, "He told me that he was my friend. He stood up for me to Uther. He let me spend time with him and he laughed at my jokes. He accepted my magic, but most of all he loved me...and allowed me to love him in return."

Lancelot continued with a little grin, "Arthur asked me to do three things; keep on eye on you; watch over Gwen and..."

Merlin waited for the remainder of the sentence. Lancelot finally continued, all of a sudden very serious, "He asked me to take care of all the funeral arrangements, he knew that Uther would never allow you to be involved. He told Gaius as much. He's jealous of you, still is. He knows that you had his son's trust and love."

Merlin thought of many a well-aimed boot or pillow, and suddenly missed Arthur even more. It was still sometimes very hard...

"Merlin, the hardest thing I ever had to do was to put the lit torch on his chest. I couldn't see him through my tears and I was so sure it would hurt him!"

Merlin feels the wind on the beach, and Gaius's hand on his head. He hears the wavelets breaking on the sand, the muffled dream beat. He sees the red cloaked knights, the barque, Arthur's body. He remembers the flames, the sound of Lancelot's voice as he and the knights send Arthur away... he feels his own despair at that moment...

His heart cried out but he bravely smiled, "Lancelot, he trusted you, he knew you would be able to do it..."

Lancelot turned to him, looking him in the eyes, and with a sob said, "Merlin, he loved you..."

Merlin, marvelled at Lancelot's caring enough to acknowledge this and the courage to say it. He regained control of his feelings and said quietly rubbing his thumb over Arthur's last gift, the ring, "As I will him...forever!"

He said quietly to Arthur's loyal knight. "Take care of yourself, Lancelot and keep an eye out for Gaius."

Then, he opened his arms and the sobbing Lancelot walked into them. Lancelot who had also grieved for a friend...

Merlin's horse now loaded with his supplies, stands patiently waiting, happy to be with Arthur's and to hear Merlin's voice after so long.

Lancelot threw the reins over Arthur's horse's head, giving Merlin a leg up and as he settled in the saddle, the bay danced in anticipation of an outing. Merlin laughed. Leaving the reins loose on its neck, he reached behind him to get the reins of his own horse, who immediately stepped up next to his right leg. The position it always wanted to assume when Arthur and he were out together.

Merlin can feel Arthur beside him and thinks, that even his horse remembers Arthur. He thanked Lancelot for his friendship and the horses set out across the courtyard to the portcullis.

Glancing back at his home of many years, his heart fell. He lifted his eyes to Arthur's windows, remembering their conversations and future plans... He thinks he hears Arthur saying, "Merlin, hurry up we have places to go..." All that is gone, as is his reason for remaining in Camelot.

As he had promised, Gaius is standing halfway down the steps with Tosh.

Merlin and Gaius had talked into the early morning, remembering with love Arthur. Merlin telling Gaius, he was indebted to him. Especially thanking him, for standing by and taking care of him over the past year; thanking him for allowing him to have close contact with Arthur till the very end.

Gaius realising that this young man had completely captivated his heart and in his old age, he has had the good fortune to find the son whom he never had. He knows that one day, Merlin will be back but the boy right now, needs this time of separation, to visit his mother and probably go further afield to get his priorities right.

Merlin finally turns, gives his broad grin, drops his reins, opening his arms, miming a hug for Gaius. He waves and picks up his reins...

Gaius lifts his hand - sun catches Merlin's dark hair turning it golden. For a second, Gaius sees Arthur who acknowledges him with his trademark nod of the head.

The horses make their way into shadows and it's Merlin's eyes that again find his, as the horses leave the courtyard.

Gaius turns and slowly continues up the steps with a slight smile. Arthur's spirit will keep Merlin safe!

**FINIS**


End file.
